There's an unreleased post I wrote some time ago called "Where am I", not sure I'll ever release it but that's a question I ask myself a lot. WHERE AM I! I guess the only definite answer is where I'm supposed to be.
I can’t begin to tell you how much has changed for me within the span of a week: I moved countries, started taking care of a loved one, I’m unemployed (I feel like a complete novice to no-job-land and I’m rapidly feeling the effects); and I’m starting to feel like I’m fighting a losing battle on all front - me of all people, I don’t think you truly understand how rare that is.
I moved across the ocean last Sunday and within the span of 5 hours after landing I started my job hunt; I stayed on that vicious hunt until Thursday. Thursday oh Thursday, what can I say about you... Thursday I found myself reconnecting with an ex - a 4 hour conversation I doubt either of us would ever forget. It’s ridiculous how much pain a simple “Hi, I hope you’re doing well” text can hash up and how much can stem from a simple catch up after that said text. I remember growing up I kept saying I would stay away from any form of romantic involvement because my soul is not equipped to feel what the heart is supposedly meant to feel, and I knew without a doubt I would end up hurting anyone that tried to get close and, lo and behold, exhibit A. It’s so strange because I’ve walked into these intimate situations making it very clear I desire absolutely nothing serious but yet I ended up being the bad billy goat once the dust had settled. The truth is I wish I felt how I was supposed to feel or at least how others wanted me to feel but I don’t. Or maybe the truth is I don’t hope to feel that way at all because I don’t care to.
I am tired of hearing the words “I have faith in you” because I don’t know what it means nor does your actions support the words you utter. I am tired of feeling as though I owe anyone more than what I have already given. Even though I bleed, I feel no remorse for the person I’ve become and I don’t want nor need your sympathy, empathy, numerous chances or for you to 'have faith in me' because I only truly care how I feel about me. I’ll find my way, just let me bleed for now until I’m ready to wrap this wound up and carry on the good fight. As for you, your battle is your battle, pick a weapon of your choosing and good luck. And if you find yourself down at any point just know the only person you need, to get up on carry on is YOU! So to the person I hurt on Friday/Saturday I guess all I can say is you deserve the best and I hope life grants you just that - but I'll never be apart of YOUR BEST. I think we both know that but I hope we don’t become “strangers in the new”.
I’ve learned that I need to accept that I no longer share the same traits as I once possessed; however, if I desire to be someone I respect then I need to work on gaining some of those traits back. I was once unfiltered, candid and free spirited, I miss that. Now I’m just a liar because I adapted this "cautious of hurting others mentality" and as a result I tiptoed around the truth more times than necessary and if I’m honest I feel like scum, or do I? I really don’t know how I feel - I think I’ve spent the majority of my life just trying to feel and then here we are, in this moment, trying to work out if I genuinely feel anything at all or am I conjuring up synthetic emotions to not seem cold. I can admit with everything that I’ve endured recently I feel something, I’m just not sure how to describe it. It’s not remorse or sadness, it’s not hurt or upset-ness, it’s definitely not happiness - I don’t know how I feel but I do know I sincerely wish us all the best in our separate endeavors. Honesty, I missed just being point blank honest. I hear a lot of talk about people gaining everything they ever wanted in life and I think that's amazing. People say you don't have to choose between love and a career, you can have them both... I agree. I don't care to be one of those people - I would choose a career over finding the love of my life any day: If you had ask me to choose between the two a decade ago I probably would of chosen the latter but this is not 2009 now is it. I doubt I would of then too, my heart is not in the game if I’m being frank, so if that’s your aim...
Moving on, I think I’ve taken on more than I can handle and I need to start making some tough choices if I hope to accomplish anything at all. I haven't been devoting 100% effort into anything I do because I find myself trying to successfully achieve them all at once and it's unlike me to not exert my best. Ironically, as I’m writing this I’m coming home from an audition with a very reputable modelling and acting agency and I received a call back but I’m not sure once again how I feel. I’m not overjoyed or happy in the slightest. A part of me feels as though I didn’t deserve the call whereas another part of me just feels unbothered - which is very strange since this is a magnificent opportunity and something that could really open the doors I want to open (*WANT* I feel as though I should take heed of that choice of word), not to mention I’ve been in this new country less than a week and I’ve already accomplish something this massive. But I'm guessing I'm just dwelling on the fact that I could have done a lot better than I did at the audition. On another note, I put more energy into these blog posts than I do my other creative platforms and that’s worrying because this is at the bottom of my lists of current interests and fascinations to contribute my energy and efforts towards developing but yet here I am. The progress on my collection of poems has taken a left turn down stagnant lane. The music is still awaiting off-paper permission and the acting, well there’s been no practice due to my job hunt and daily activities taking priority. I feel like I’m one role seeking another role at this point - not even a person just striving to make greatness his reality. That’s just sad but unfortunately I don’t feel sad about it.
It’s weird I spoke to someone awhile back and they expressed that they love this blog because it’s as though I’m speaking to myself and I’m glad they had came to that conclusion and expressed it to me because that analysis meant a lot. As a writer if your words can make people capture your intentions without you literally saying it then you just created magic baby. Whenever I write these pieces (any form of writing whether poem, music, etc) I just give my fingertips permission to wriiiite, sometimes my mind is absent in that moment - completely blank, and in the end I hope that my soul has expressed what it really wants me to acknowledge, feel or respond to. After reading this very blog post for the sixtieth time it's safe to say I've got detachment issues and I know I need to focus on connecting not so specifically with people but my emotions. I don’t think I’ve truly been hurt in a very very very long time and as sad as it sounds I miss the feeling, so for now I’ll take these pathetic light jabs life enjoys throwing, until I’m ready to fight back. For now I just want to bleed, stare at this outpour, sit here and cross my fingers that I'll feel something in the process. But regardless I know staying down is not my destiny so CHEERS to the blood, sweat and tears that will come and toast to the successes that will follow. It’s time to work on honesty folks! What do you need to work on the most?
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