I can't find me!

I think it happened at age 23, 'cause that's the last time I remember feeling fine. As a kid I would look around and I would see other kids wanting to be this and that, having all the aspirations in the world but they were never focused on who they were in the present - I always was. As an adolescent, I would see others I was surrounded by struggling to find themselves, trying to grow at the pace society pressured them to keep up with and I didn't need to, I was already in my own lane, very sure of the person I was. At age 18, I was very much a staple in my mind, someone unmatched, someone who simply didn't give a fuck about those that didn't agree with what he stood for or who he is and very much satisfied being seen as an island away from the mass. I was this guy who relentlessly spoke his mind and went the uncalled distance to back it up if things escalated. By 19, I was living alone very much invested in writing and subconsciously finding his zen, so I invited 'the calm' into my spirit. At 20, I embarked on enforcing more changes than I can sufficiently put into words. At age 23 I decided to make some really bold moves, took one too many wrong turns and that was the onset of the avalanche that I now refer to as 'the sad identity crisis'. I stand by everything I did but the person in the mirror seems blurrier everyday. Is that relatable?

I realized early on in life that I didn't feel 'normal', I just thought my emotional clocks turned differently. Use to think of myself as some type of earth invader, sent to understand emotions and reactions then report back. It took me awhile to work out how to emit a particular feeling as weird as that sound and so I taught myself the art of reciprocal energy very very very early on in life. Meaning I will treat you exactly how you treat me - it's only fair, right? It made life easy. Somewhere after age 23, after trespassing on one too many forbidden paths, I was swarmed by a lot of emotions from others and I started to feel more human than ever before, probably because it was the first time I truly saw the face of hurt - I really looked into its eyes you know. I guess the act of reciprocation became difficult after that. I always say my favourite historian is Rosa Parks because she taught the population the most powerful word in history, "NO"! Once upon a time that was so effortless to say. Now years later I've become a lot more lenient, forthcoming and 'nice'... Not just reciprocal niceness, actually a nice person... I guess that's the major contributor to this blurry image.

I have these moments now where I find myself trapped between the image of the past and the one of my present - legit trapped - I would often astro project and see the present me in the middle of a tug of war. Somehow I'm just trapped. And there are some moments in which I am lucky enough to carve my way through the niceness of my present self to speak my true desires and there are other moments I sit still admire the past and/or acknowledged me fucking up my present. There's things I would never had stood for at age 22 that I just let slide now and it's more disappointing than astonishing tbh. I think a few years back when things took a turn for the worst, I told myself I should try and 'naturally feel' something, anything, and ever since then everytime I utter those words I open the door to another mistake. It works though, I do feel now! Or at least I tell myself this is how others should actually feel in a particular situation and I assume that is exactly what I'm feeling. The emotions feel a lot more natural than they did growing up. I feel sadness, joy, temporary satisfaction... The crave to continue trying to feel became so strong I stopped fighting, surrendered and continued to dig my emotional grave. At this point there's too much dirt under the carpet to ever be the person I once was or to be proud of the one I am now, so finding that old me is damn near impossible. He'll just have to remain trapped. I feel human now. I guess that's the only way to put it, I genuinely feel human. It's scary and probably stupid in the eyes of y'all.

Maybe the problem is not finding myself, maybe it's not being able to return home. I mean maybe I am from Jupiter as I had often joked and being here on earth has taken a toll on my system and I can no longer function how I use to. Maybe like Adam and Eve I've bitten into something forbidden and 'feeling' is my punishment. Maybe this was always my fate and that trapped soul is just a victim like many others to the changes he started but now refuse to accept. Maybe I passed the point of no return a long time ago and I should just surrender to the humans' ways. Or maybe my people is still on the way to rescue me and they're severely delayed - let's hope. Or maybe I just have to figure out how to find my new balance because like Pinocchio I'm human now. Or maybe I just need to start expressing how I feel again rather than trying be nice, maybe that's the recipe to finding joy again, right?