Sonia Hamilton

I lost my grandma 6 days ago. Just re-reading that line gives me the chills. I can't believe how it all transpired. I could recount the order of events for you a million times and it'll still feel surreal. My grandma was my soul, taught me the very basis of love, respect and discipline. There was a point in which I felt like I mattered to no one but her and I vouched to return her kindness with the finest life could deliver, sadly I failed. But this is not about me, it's about the legend that came, stood firm, fight fiercely and departed with honour, great respect and dignity. I always admired my grandma! Something about the way she carried herself, her responses, her storytelling, her strength, her influence always screamed volumes of wonders to me. She touched so many and gave a new definition to the value of a woman so the fact that she was taken from us at all whether at age 100, 80 or 50 seems shocking and unjust but then again that's how we all feel about our departed loved ones, right?

It's been 19 days since my grandma died. To be more specific it's been 18 days 23 hours and 9 mins since my grandma died. I am broken! Feelings on ice like her body awaiting a moment I'll never be ready for. I sit by her window like I use to do as a kid and I let the memories flow, blow me away like the wind, there's so many yet so few at the same time as though we knew each other for short period yet also for a lifetime. I hear loss gets easier over time - I never got that concept. The pain seem to just set up a headquarter somewhere in the mind of the grieving awaiting visits and tears seem to spring without reason. Somehow this paragraph is turning into a poem and that's irritating me. I can't write about this and feel as though I'm doing my grandma justice in any way. I want to shine light on how amazing she was but the thing about legends is, you can't put them into words, no amount of syllables would ever seem fit, you had to encounter their presence to truly feel the power of their essence. I am broken and dismayed not just because my grandma died but because the entire world didn't get to experience her essence, see her smile, witness her fight, admire her dancing, witness her hustle, her compassion, or simply benefit from her smarts. SHE WAS EVERYTHING EVERY WOMEN DREAM TO BE! 

LEGEND

......

My grandma's funeral was 5 days ago and I missed it. I got to see the viewing her body via zoom though. I don't quite know how to put this feeling in words right now. I haven't thought much about it these past couple of days but as I write this I feel like life is slowly being drained from my bones. I feel like there's 10 bodybuilders just sitting on my knuckles and every letter is 10 times harder to type. No matter how much time spent with her it never seems enough, this all seem too soon. I never got to give her the great life she deserved to have lived. I wondered if I done enough for her, did I prepare her breakfasts well enough, clean her room enough, was I roght pushing her to take her medications when she was very reluctant, did I sit and laugh enough with her, should we had have deeper conversations, did I make it abundantly clear how much the whole family appreciated her, I don't know. Most of all I wondered if I gave her her roses - gave her her rightful credit for making me the man I am today. I guess I'll never know. I don't even think ahe remembered my name in the end but I'd take 10 more years supporting her through dementia than 10 more years without her. I keep hearing I should take comfort knowing she's no longer in pain now (her cancer got so bad), I guess I should but it makes me wonder why she had to endure such pain to begin with. Why do any of us? Why does life have to be a 'pain then recovery, then repeat till death' type of path? Why can't we just live.

R.I.P SONIA HAMILTON! PERFECT PEACE