We're here... We made it!
I haven't thought about this blog in what feels like an eternity. I haven't reminisce on the significance and the impact it once had nor could possibly have again until...
2018 was a really hard year for me : I set out to make the most of the year and somewhere down the line I derailed. I told myself I would travel and focus on my creativity (getting my collection of poems ready for publishing) and somewhere along these rocky roads to this cosmic destiny I know life has in store for me I felt as though I had to delay everything. So I stopped the chase! I usually have this unwanted tradition in which I find myself subconsciously titling the year before it even starts to creep into its second month and the year tends to end up defining that title without any effort on my part. Last year was the year of "recovery" and in the end I got why the universe rolled that title unto my path. See while I was plotting to travel, publish my pieces and simply smile, the universe was conjuring up pathways to teach me lessons I wasn't ready to truly understand but needed to calmly accept. I started digging a grave a very long time ago that I only began to acknowledge in 2017. I realised I was constantly justifying my actions by saying "if I worked as hard as I played then all my playful actions were excused because I deserved some satisfaction or some form of reward".
I lost myself somewhere between excuses and I saw it happening as I strayed off, stubbornly taking my own route and following my foolish intuitions but I did what any stubborn mule would do - I refuse to turn back. I found myself in the presence of a good Samaritan and I tainted that individual long before either of us had a chance to stop the incoming pain. I was in a box with another soul I didn't belong with and that only led to fleeting moments and... I had a flashback of this kid that made a promise to find home or his loved ones whenever his surroundings got too dark and this "box" was too dark. So I took a flight, admired a few clouds and made it back "home" to the only two people I love. To be honest it took awhile to truly comprehend where I came back too; I was far too busy focusing on the two people I wanted to see I forgot that even the location was considered home at some point.
This grave I spoke about earlier that I intended to cover up and happily move on from before 2018 only got deeper. There I was going into the NEW putting more chips on this already aching shoulder and things got even darker. 2018 began and with every new year came talks of resolutions and hope and I was no less of a victim to those desires than any other commoner despite the tribulations I was enduring at the time. I held off on pursuing my travels and I had to come to terms with how damaged my character had became and how estranged I had become from the man in the mirror. Whatever innocence existed had dwindled away. Recovering became key but my flesh had other plans and I surrendered. A lot of people ended up hurt by my actions last year but I can't seem to muster up remorse - I urge you to do the same as I've told my soul - move on!
I had to admit a lot of hurtful things to myself : I've done a lot of things I would not had tolerated years back, I made a lot of poor choices, I've done despicable things to get what I wanted but most of all I'm so unpredictable I don't even trust myself to do "the right thing" anymore. I learned I'll be trying to figure out who I am till the day I die and the truth is so will you because change never stops coming. I've learned I don't want to change the bad anymore than I want to change the good because I must've endured what I did to inherit qualities however unfavourable to conquer upcoming battles/opportunities. I will embrace this person no matter how intolerable or sweet he gets and in the end I can only hope that when I do accomplish more than I can fathom that I'm still able to look in the mirror and smile with a honest sense of proudness.
For 2019 the universe has spoken and I've been told this is the year of redemption and at first I believed it had to do with making a mend with those that were impacted by my actions last year but I feel as though I've misinterpreted the title. I feel this is the time to acknowledge how much I've stolen from myself, forgive myself if needs be and start to fight again, redeem what was truly promised by the universe upon birth.
I've been working a job for the last 13 months and I remember when I started a long time companion of mines said "I think you lack direction" as furious as I was to have someone comment on my life without knowing the depth of my struggle I knew it was true. I realised what you do on a day to day basis really takes a toll on your soul especially when you choose to sacrifice your voice for a cause that is not truly yours and shape your image for a hierarchical purpose rather than one that truly represents your individuality. It may not seem half the time that you can escape a relationship, or job, or that "grave" you keep digging but mark my words if you truly want to get OUT you'll find a way... DON'T DELAY!
I want to leave you with this, it's ok to accept the changes in your life - mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. We have no idea what the future holds - we're all strangers to the new but it's our story to write so don't shy away from making the most of this opportunity regardless of what the whispers of the world has to say about your actions. If you're suffering for your past grant yourself redemption, grant yourself a future.
Oh one last thing
Happy 2019! I'm glad to be back B***hes!
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