A decade ago I prophecied that this past year was going to be tumultuous and consequently it would draw me closer to god - I'm pleased to say that's not the case. Let's just say myself and god need to remain at a safe distance. Anyway, where I'm from we take prophecies and signs very seriously so despite the moves I made this year and my efforts to stay positive, I was always waiting for the bridges I was building to collapse. A lot of things had transpired since last September and to be honest I've faced more struggles than I care to share. I'm still trying to forgive myself for a lot of choices I've made but who am I kidding I'd make the same ones again given the chance. I'm still hurting myself in the most unseen obscene ways but that's my journey to endure and my fight to win, I'll get there. For now I'm learning to slowly leave those internal scars to heal while also learning to give myself a fighting chance in the process. I sacrificed more than I can ever put into words and anyone who ended up being collateral over the past couple of years, I honestly don't have it in me to pretend to be sad, no one is more glad to lay on the bed of mess they've made more than I am. Trust me though, by hurting you or creating whatever vibes between us, I put you first, you're just not able to see it yet, but all in due time. Anyway enough about y'all.
I been reflecting on so much lately: it feels like 5 minutes ago I was this kid stuck in the rottening left liver of my ghetto in Jamaica watching these country white kids in Dawson's Creek, knowing I didn't belong in either settings, but seeking their experiences and level of intelligence whilst feeling like I was an outcast in my community to then be adopted by English streets only to feel even more lost yet strangely fulfilled and then years later being granted the privilege of leaving my footsteps on the land of the free... Ironically nothing is free. I been working myself to the bone and I can't tell you how it makes me feel 'cause I'm not sure I feel anything. I just see green lights. On another note, It's been weird taking necessary steps to get my talents some notoriety but I'm enjoying the journey thus far. Like I said all I see is green lights so I don't stop to strategize or think, I just distribute. Maybe I'll pause and switch up my approach, time will tell. For now I feel good knowing I was doing a little more than I was last year. The other day I heard this voice passing through the wind, it told me this blog will be a success, I guess time will tell about that prophecy too.
I am writing this to say I'm trying to do so much with the life I've been given and the time I have left and I suggest you do the same. I made it to a point I know who I am in this moment and maybe tomorrow something will change but as humans we subconsciously seek that need to find one's self so in this moment I'll revel in the joy of knowing I know who Akil is 'for now'. I find more and more life keeps granting me opportunities I think are outside my capabilities or I feel unready for but I deserve it. (This is what I want you to be aware of) if an opportunity has been given to you then you've earned it in some way, shape or form SO MAKE THE MOST OF IT. This is not about proving you're worthy but simply making sure that when you look back on this moment in time you can say I GAVE IT MY BEST and teust I will give it my best!
Right now I can honestly say I don't care about the definition of 'happy' or the feeling itself because I think it's more rare than people think to genuinely feel it, but joy, joy is a girl I know very well. We seem to have a friends with benefit type of thing going on so she comes and goes as she pleases but in this moment I can say she's here and we're about to have one hell of a time. Today is my birthday and I'm just glad I made it through another challenging f**king year a damn conqueror. Cheers to f**king up this new year of mines and may I crush every mutherf**king obstacle that steps in my way!
Sunday 22 September 2019
Wednesday 18 September 2019
Tonight I'll cry
I found myself on the floor crying the other night, ever since then the waterworks just won't stop. I know the reason behind it and that's made it harder to turn this tap action I got going on off. I've been getting days off recently, and that's played a huge part in this mess I've become. Turns out when you're busy working all you think about is work and the things you're working towards achieving or trying to financially cover, so when the moment arrives in which you finally have some free time on your hands your brain switches to reflective mode. And as my eyes have gladly shown I've been thinking about far too much. I sat on my doorsteps last night at 3am and I noticed something I haven't in a long while. I always thought fondly of darkness, like I belonged to him and my melanin just made it easier to roll unseen in his presence. As a kid, I constantly gazed out into the dark and as I grew older I would walk the darkest of streets with my headphones blaring tunes on the highest volume. I always felt like I knew who I was when surrounded by it and I'll forever be comfortable in the solitude and serenity it brung - ALWAYS. There's was something indescribable about the feeling of having my earphones blocking all the noises out, the streets seemed boundless and filled with possibilities... But over the last couple of years I've realized nights feel a little brighter each time I see them and my music seem to get a little lower no matter how high I turn her volume up and these streets they seem so small, action-packed and filled with directions, no guesswork anymore... Ironically, I feel so lost.
I keep remembering a poem I wrote awhile back for this blog called 'Solitude's companion', that boy was something else. I admired him: his courage, drive; and cluelessness; and independence; and lack of care, spoke volumes. He was absolutely clueless but extremely smart and care free. Where did he go? How did he become this guy? There's a song I find myself listening to a lot over the years especially as I write, I'm actually listening to it as I type this right now (Angel Haze - Dark places), in it she said she's "trying live her days without too many nights" - I always thought that sentence was so powerful. Sadly I'm the opposite. I'm that kid that use to find the darkest corner of a dark room, turn the music up and find joy in the darkest quarters of my mind, sadly it was where I felt my most comfortable. I can't seem to find that place anymore. That's probably a good thing right? I think god answered my mom's prayers haha. I try not to crave that feeling nor my desire to return to that 'safe place' because I fear what the universe might have to make unfold just to get me back there. I feel now. I truly feel! Believe it or not that's strange for me. I stopped caring about life a very long time ago but over the course of the past 7 years life has opened more doors than I ever intended and I finally realize not only how blessed I am but how much I have to lose. I don't want to lose!
I think I've beaten myself up enough for my past digressions. I'm learning to stop the angelic battle taking place between the presences on my right shoulder and the ones on my left. I grew up being taught to do whatever the fuck I got to in order to get what I want and I can't apologize for that, I'm not even sure I want to change my mindset. In my defence I've taught myself to play as nice as I possibly can while trying to secure the things I seek so hopefully that counts for something. You want to know the saddest thing about this person? [That was rhetorical by the way]. I haven't felt like Akil in a very long time. For the longest time I've felt like an actor that's been given the story of a good guy that's going to achieve greatness but somewhere along the line I started improvising to beef his story up and my actual character started to overlapping with his and suddenly I've blurred his truth. And here we are. It's like a bad actor, writer and director tag teamed his script and set out to tell more than the truth but somewhere along the line everything became as fucked up as their skills and expertise. But you as the audience will never truly know the truth right, just the story that's told. I don't even think I remember the original script, I guess I'm just hoping the kid still accomplishes greatness because I royally fucked his story up.
Anyway, tonight I'll cry, tomorrow I'll get up and pretend these tears aren't still flowing. And then tomorrow night I guess we'll see if this tap wants to give a brother a break. I've done this routine enough time, this should be a piece of cake. You wanna know what's truly sad... Four paragraph later and I still haven't grazed the gist of why these eyeballs are so expressive... They don't call me Mr Secretive for nothing. I guess it's the Virgo in me. Until next time kids, all the best.
I keep remembering a poem I wrote awhile back for this blog called 'Solitude's companion', that boy was something else. I admired him: his courage, drive; and cluelessness; and independence; and lack of care, spoke volumes. He was absolutely clueless but extremely smart and care free. Where did he go? How did he become this guy? There's a song I find myself listening to a lot over the years especially as I write, I'm actually listening to it as I type this right now (Angel Haze - Dark places), in it she said she's "trying live her days without too many nights" - I always thought that sentence was so powerful. Sadly I'm the opposite. I'm that kid that use to find the darkest corner of a dark room, turn the music up and find joy in the darkest quarters of my mind, sadly it was where I felt my most comfortable. I can't seem to find that place anymore. That's probably a good thing right? I think god answered my mom's prayers haha. I try not to crave that feeling nor my desire to return to that 'safe place' because I fear what the universe might have to make unfold just to get me back there. I feel now. I truly feel! Believe it or not that's strange for me. I stopped caring about life a very long time ago but over the course of the past 7 years life has opened more doors than I ever intended and I finally realize not only how blessed I am but how much I have to lose. I don't want to lose!
I think I've beaten myself up enough for my past digressions. I'm learning to stop the angelic battle taking place between the presences on my right shoulder and the ones on my left. I grew up being taught to do whatever the fuck I got to in order to get what I want and I can't apologize for that, I'm not even sure I want to change my mindset. In my defence I've taught myself to play as nice as I possibly can while trying to secure the things I seek so hopefully that counts for something. You want to know the saddest thing about this person? [That was rhetorical by the way]. I haven't felt like Akil in a very long time. For the longest time I've felt like an actor that's been given the story of a good guy that's going to achieve greatness but somewhere along the line I started improvising to beef his story up and my actual character started to overlapping with his and suddenly I've blurred his truth. And here we are. It's like a bad actor, writer and director tag teamed his script and set out to tell more than the truth but somewhere along the line everything became as fucked up as their skills and expertise. But you as the audience will never truly know the truth right, just the story that's told. I don't even think I remember the original script, I guess I'm just hoping the kid still accomplishes greatness because I royally fucked his story up.
Anyway, tonight I'll cry, tomorrow I'll get up and pretend these tears aren't still flowing. And then tomorrow night I guess we'll see if this tap wants to give a brother a break. I've done this routine enough time, this should be a piece of cake. You wanna know what's truly sad... Four paragraph later and I still haven't grazed the gist of why these eyeballs are so expressive... They don't call me Mr Secretive for nothing. I guess it's the Virgo in me. Until next time kids, all the best.
Monday 9 September 2019
Hi, my name is Akil and I'm a...
My dad was an addict. Where I'm from his vice was a pretty common one amongst men so I was one of many kids that came second, third or whatever I was ranked to an unexplainable desire. Though, I knew I was one of many, I always felt like I was an exception because I acknowledged how his addiction was slowly eroding the foundation of our family and really took heed of the consequences he faced from a very, very young age.
When I was 7, I endured a lot and within the course of 3 years, I truly came to the realization that in this world we live in, you can only depend on yourself to be your confidant, your backbone and the only pure source of truth. This drove me to make a lot of firm decisions - promises I vowed never to break. I was eight when I promised myself to never be an addict like my father. I told myself I would never allow myself to be addicted to anything in this world and if I had a family of my own one day, I would guarantee no desire overpowers my love for them and they'll never feel an ounce of neglect. Over the years I've made sure that's the case: once upon a time I was writing music everyday and I decided to stop writing for a year and when the time had came to restart, I chose to continue my drought to prove I was not addicted to it. If you know me to some degree, you know I have an unhealthy obsession with cheese, so when I chose to give it up for a year awhile back you could imagine everyone's shock. But the need to show myself it was an urge I could control overridden the love I had for it. I remember in the midst of my challenge I caught myself deep diving in a bag of quavers and after a whole lot of profanity my challenge rebooted, because a year without my little diary buddies was the plan and nothing or noone was going to change that. Unfortunately, due to spending a lot of time focusing on minor factors such as these, I overlooked the enormous fight that was brewing under my nose as a result of a few terrible choices. Sadly, I have a vice now... A part of me is glad to know it's not the same one as my dad but in the end you find that a vice is still a vice and an addict is still...
Despite the evident friction that existed between myself and my dad, I always felt the need to excuse his actions in my head. In his eyes I seldom saw the look of love for his family, and in the same breath I could see the overwhelming sense of remorse and self-contempt he was battling with due to the pain he had inflicted upon us but he still made the effortless decision to go back out in the world yet again for his fix. Little did I know this decision wasn't effortless at all. I remember there was a moment, I was 8 or 9 and I realised he was really trying to fight his desires but he was so powerless, and it was just of no avail. It made me see him in another light. A good dad was not only his shell but a title he was fighting to live up too everyday and what a battle it was. I always thought it must be hard, having to fight everyday, especially when you're constantly surrounded by your "weakness" and it's a common manner in which your gender bonds. But I underestimated how much of a fight it was! It didn't dawn on me in the slightest how many times the thought of pursuing his fix had crossed his mind in a minute, nor the time or energy spent in pursue or indulgence, the constant influences, the disgust he must have felt after his high had ended, nor how vaguely he remembers the feeling of disappointment when the need to chase that high once more creeps up on his bones. I keep picturing those closest to me and how hurt they would be by my actions if things were to worsen, just like I was, with my dad. I remember as a kid I thought hurting those around you was the worst or better yet most selfish thing an addict could ever do but I learned eventually that's definitely not the case. The worst part is fully comprehending how much you're hurting yourself, and the extent of how bad things could get (especially if you're enduring a relapse), but strongly feeling like the you, that fool with the need for this "high" is a giant compare to the meek, determined comrade of a shell fighting in your corner. Having to battle with that feeling of helplessness, need for control and self-love while coiled up in the tight chokehold of despair is hard! And as the old saying goes if you can't help yourself how can you help those around you. It's difficult trying to convey this to someone that will never truly understand because even if they walk the same lines, they haven't walked in your shoes.
One of the lessons I've learned is that it does feel like a losing game or at least a waiting one. You feel as though once the door has been opened and this battle has left its muddy footprints on what use to be the clean carpets of your history, then it's an eternal fight to put a stop to the string of bad before this carpet turns into quicksand. You find yourself persistently trying to make it back to the starting line to recover and gain a semblance of control once more, but - sometimes hope is all you got and need my friend. Maybe it's time to realize the starting mark is no longer where you belong, this is where you are right now and this day marks a clean slate or as "clean" as you can possibly make it. It's o.k to say your hands are tainted and that you've been through a lot and still experiencing a lot. It's o.k to admit you need help and SEEK HELP. It's o.k to breakdown, apologise, and SPEAK about it and it's o.k to admit you're not o.k but you're trying to be. One day at a time, that's the motto.
I don't quite know how to end this... We all have our demons and no matter how dark our days may seem - remember they are 'days', therefore light exist, seek it! Maybe then the fight won't seem so dark, cold and as though it'll be a big loss eventually regardless of your efforts. Focus on navigating your way to where you hope to be. You know what's ironic, when I was younger and I started making promises to myself, I promised never to break a promise... It's funny how things and people change... We can only try to be better and cope with the changes that stem from our decisions - don't beat yourself to a pulp. I heard yesterday a lot of us give up on ourselves too easily but as long as we're alive there's still time on the clock, you can make it through all four quarters - KEEP GOING! I hope there's a young kid preferably a boy reading this right now and I made you understand that your mom or dad doesn't love their vice more than they do you, they're just enduring more than you're able to fathom and they are aware that they're a chip on your shoulder but their goal is to avoid turning that chip into a boulder and they're fighting hard to be less of a burden or disappointment. The hurt is not intentional - TRUST, that I can promise. Forgive and support a positive change in any way you can. I didn't show my father much love in this regard but maybe you can break the cycle.
When I was 7, I endured a lot and within the course of 3 years, I truly came to the realization that in this world we live in, you can only depend on yourself to be your confidant, your backbone and the only pure source of truth. This drove me to make a lot of firm decisions - promises I vowed never to break. I was eight when I promised myself to never be an addict like my father. I told myself I would never allow myself to be addicted to anything in this world and if I had a family of my own one day, I would guarantee no desire overpowers my love for them and they'll never feel an ounce of neglect. Over the years I've made sure that's the case: once upon a time I was writing music everyday and I decided to stop writing for a year and when the time had came to restart, I chose to continue my drought to prove I was not addicted to it. If you know me to some degree, you know I have an unhealthy obsession with cheese, so when I chose to give it up for a year awhile back you could imagine everyone's shock. But the need to show myself it was an urge I could control overridden the love I had for it. I remember in the midst of my challenge I caught myself deep diving in a bag of quavers and after a whole lot of profanity my challenge rebooted, because a year without my little diary buddies was the plan and nothing or noone was going to change that. Unfortunately, due to spending a lot of time focusing on minor factors such as these, I overlooked the enormous fight that was brewing under my nose as a result of a few terrible choices. Sadly, I have a vice now... A part of me is glad to know it's not the same one as my dad but in the end you find that a vice is still a vice and an addict is still...
Despite the evident friction that existed between myself and my dad, I always felt the need to excuse his actions in my head. In his eyes I seldom saw the look of love for his family, and in the same breath I could see the overwhelming sense of remorse and self-contempt he was battling with due to the pain he had inflicted upon us but he still made the effortless decision to go back out in the world yet again for his fix. Little did I know this decision wasn't effortless at all. I remember there was a moment, I was 8 or 9 and I realised he was really trying to fight his desires but he was so powerless, and it was just of no avail. It made me see him in another light. A good dad was not only his shell but a title he was fighting to live up too everyday and what a battle it was. I always thought it must be hard, having to fight everyday, especially when you're constantly surrounded by your "weakness" and it's a common manner in which your gender bonds. But I underestimated how much of a fight it was! It didn't dawn on me in the slightest how many times the thought of pursuing his fix had crossed his mind in a minute, nor the time or energy spent in pursue or indulgence, the constant influences, the disgust he must have felt after his high had ended, nor how vaguely he remembers the feeling of disappointment when the need to chase that high once more creeps up on his bones. I keep picturing those closest to me and how hurt they would be by my actions if things were to worsen, just like I was, with my dad. I remember as a kid I thought hurting those around you was the worst or better yet most selfish thing an addict could ever do but I learned eventually that's definitely not the case. The worst part is fully comprehending how much you're hurting yourself, and the extent of how bad things could get (especially if you're enduring a relapse), but strongly feeling like the you, that fool with the need for this "high" is a giant compare to the meek, determined comrade of a shell fighting in your corner. Having to battle with that feeling of helplessness, need for control and self-love while coiled up in the tight chokehold of despair is hard! And as the old saying goes if you can't help yourself how can you help those around you. It's difficult trying to convey this to someone that will never truly understand because even if they walk the same lines, they haven't walked in your shoes.
One of the lessons I've learned is that it does feel like a losing game or at least a waiting one. You feel as though once the door has been opened and this battle has left its muddy footprints on what use to be the clean carpets of your history, then it's an eternal fight to put a stop to the string of bad before this carpet turns into quicksand. You find yourself persistently trying to make it back to the starting line to recover and gain a semblance of control once more, but - sometimes hope is all you got and need my friend. Maybe it's time to realize the starting mark is no longer where you belong, this is where you are right now and this day marks a clean slate or as "clean" as you can possibly make it. It's o.k to say your hands are tainted and that you've been through a lot and still experiencing a lot. It's o.k to admit you need help and SEEK HELP. It's o.k to breakdown, apologise, and SPEAK about it and it's o.k to admit you're not o.k but you're trying to be. One day at a time, that's the motto.
I don't quite know how to end this... We all have our demons and no matter how dark our days may seem - remember they are 'days', therefore light exist, seek it! Maybe then the fight won't seem so dark, cold and as though it'll be a big loss eventually regardless of your efforts. Focus on navigating your way to where you hope to be. You know what's ironic, when I was younger and I started making promises to myself, I promised never to break a promise... It's funny how things and people change... We can only try to be better and cope with the changes that stem from our decisions - don't beat yourself to a pulp. I heard yesterday a lot of us give up on ourselves too easily but as long as we're alive there's still time on the clock, you can make it through all four quarters - KEEP GOING! I hope there's a young kid preferably a boy reading this right now and I made you understand that your mom or dad doesn't love their vice more than they do you, they're just enduring more than you're able to fathom and they are aware that they're a chip on your shoulder but their goal is to avoid turning that chip into a boulder and they're fighting hard to be less of a burden or disappointment. The hurt is not intentional - TRUST, that I can promise. Forgive and support a positive change in any way you can. I didn't show my father much love in this regard but maybe you can break the cycle.
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