Hood Sack Festivities

This christmas I'm pulling up on santa;
Imma grip him up, tell him I need a public romp,
unwrap his gift right there to feel that cold front,
get him hotter than magma

when I give it a good rub.
Then I'll tell him where I'll be later on.
He better park that sledge out front
then tie them reindeers up
'cause they'll wanna run when their little PG ears 

hear the action that's going down.
I been plotting, waiting for the 25th,
now it's midnight, 

only my socks and a jockstrap on, 

feet up waiting by the chimney 

playing some festive joints.
Got the scene ready for ya - you smell that pine?
I see your gut, I know you got one hell of an appetite

so your beard is my sledge for the night!
Shhh don't talk.
I don't need to know about your past
right now I'm the ghost of your present
"RAHHHH!" 
Don't be shook, just saying we could do this raw!
Follow the pin
cum to my hood,
I'll work you out good good,
and you better be ready to go hard
after all today is your busiest day of all.
If it's up to me these kids wouldn't see ya till tomorrow.
If you put these cuffs on, trust I'll have your body in paradise till tomorrow.

I got that cookie you can eat for days
and milk that vary in taste;
I got a no dribble tolerance
so swallow every drop 
you'll get some christmas smacks if you waste.
And I don't need a mistletoe
to spit in your throat and give you a good choke,
get you redder than Rudolph's nose, 
sweat till you lose more weight than them fools fucking with keto.
I got a kilo,
it'll get you higher than them reindeers do.
Heard you from the north pole 
well imma north side nigga so I guess this pole is your new home.
Get on top get comfortable.
It's your duty to deliver peace, yep constable,
so cite this piece 'cause it's disrupting the peace,
shiiiiiiiit hardcore public enemy,
walking around giving the baddest of them deep long beats
wetting up sheets.
Notorious for popping, 
I'm talking cherries not gats or Mary
but shit can get that bloody,
if you're into that freaky shit and wanna get thotty,
there's no limits to hood sack festivities.
In fact invite some elves
we can start a naked trainset,
oh and tell 'em bring some toys, 
the freakier the better, they don't need to be coy.

I vote me, still I wish you well

4 years ago I was at the foot of another presidential election - my first presidential election - but despite the same quantity of publicised low blows somehow nothing feels quite ironic this time around. Anyway, I was living with three cool strangers at the time and a debate about immigration brought to light a few differences in opinions. I am pro immigration, mainly because I'm an immigrant but more importantly, I feel everyone should be given the opportunity to have a better life and be able to help their family and friends back home, that are less fortunate than they are. To be honest I don't care if they enter a country illegally or through the proper channels just as long as they hustle and be aware there's consequences for their approachs. I remember one of the reasons that arised against immigration was the data that exposed the surprisingly low number of immigrants that after emigrating and achieving success then turned around to help their country or their loved ones - I was mindboggled. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why there were so many people that turned their backs on doing the 'right thing'. I thought there were more people like myself! I admit I came across a few on the other side of the coin but I chopped it up to selfishness or just the admittance of defeat, still the statistics was edged deep in my mind ever since that cold night in November. I just couldn't understand not wanting to help those who needed it or at least sharing a fraction of the joy you felt on the more developed side of the fence. It took 4 years but I finally understand the heart of 'The selfish'.

I never considered myself a religious or spiritual person despite my religious affiliations or beliefs growing up but I think my soul was always subconsciously spiritual. For as long as I could remember my mind has always echoed the words "no hard feelings, I wish you well", and I never truly understood why, so I chopped it up to the swift efforts of my soul trying to cling to the residue of what little positive, optimistic energy the universe served me after each betrayals and let downs I endured. I was wrong! I knew for awhile now that my soul was unravelling but I chose to pay very little attention because I knew my foundation (family) would remain intact, I was wrong! If there's one thing you should know about me it's that I was built on family values - unstable values - none out of love but pure loyalty and I stood by those values and fight to develop love so it could be the glue for all these loyal components to hold together. However, circumstances repeatedly led me to assess the actions of my family and sadly I hear the words get louder in my mind time after time "no hard feelings, I wish you well", nonetheless helping them and giving back to my country has always been at the forefront of my actions. I sacrificed more than I can put into words in pursuit of fighting for others before I would myself. Truth is I can't remember the last time I put myself first or did anything just out of pure selfishness beyond buying a few pieces of clothings and the sad truth is that doesn't sadden me; it's a price I chose to pay a long time ago and I became at peace with that. Unfortunately, like I said my soul has slowly been unravelling and after 25+ years of fighting for those I call blood so is my foundation, so are my values.

4 years ago I couldn't picture why anyone would not want to help strengthen the country they fled or help better the conditions of those they call family but I get it now. See lately I came to the realisation that sometimes no matter how important someone is to you and vice versa, personal pride sometimes trumps love and so does blind faith. You can walk in your truth and try to ensure others know it's ok for them to do the same but even those closest to you have an idea of what they want you to be and rather than fighting for the you presented to them, they choose to fight for the you they want to see. That's fine but before you put aside everything you deeply desire for yourself and fall victim to the image they want to see, think about who really suffers at the hands of someone else's happiness. The truth is that person no matter how dear is fighting for themselves so why should you feel guilty for doing the same. Silencing your character ends in 2 ways - resentment or suicide, neither should be a choice. I won't make neither a choice! The way I see it there's only one decision that ends well... I choose to wish you the very best, may we all recieve success in our future endeavors. NO HARD FEELINGS!

Someone reluctantly asked me a few days ago 'are you happy', I told them the truth : happiness was never on my agenda I'm good feeling good with being good. This individual thought that was stupid, "everyone should aim to be happy!" he said. Truth is I purposely steered off that path for the pursuit of personal happiness a very long time ago because this world wouldn't understand how far from normal my idea of happiness is and it didn't fit the mission at hand (to give back). Not to mention I think that idea/picture has drastically morphed into something I can't quite decipher as of late and I don't care to investigate, so I chose to be good just solely focused on opening doors for my family and for my country. However, after everything I've come to realised lately, I think it's time to fall back and help from a safe distance better yet let everyone help themselves from now on! I want those that played a part in my growth to know I thank you for more than you'll ever know, and I really hope you fight to give yourself the absolute best because I'm going to work on giving myself just that... All the best!

SURVIVOR'S GUILT

I'm from a place I would never trade being from given the option. It's small, broken in more ways than one, flawed and so forth but it has more potential than one can put into words and the vibrant, infectious spirit of my people could light up the darkest of lands. It's a country that's filled with survivors and winners! I love my city; NO, I LOVE MY COUNTRY! After you leave a place you're fond of, and start to inhale the perks and joy of a new land, you realise how many things you missed and things you never had the chance to achieve or partake in due to that place not having the capacity to deliver. You also start to understand how toxic your past environment may have been and how much of a blessing living in a new territory is. Throughout this process of realisation, that overwhelming sense of love you have for such place may start to dwindle and a strong feeling of pity, sorrow, and disgust; and appreciation; and possibly regret may develop but it's key to remember a tree is strongest at its roots no matter how damaged those roots may seem, it's worth nurturing them the best you can). I feel like I'm digressing... Keep reading.

I think when you're from where I'm from or just poverty in general, every one thinks of escapism in their own way and to their own extreme. But when you finally escape, I think no one truly accounts for the guilt that streams from the tears you shred for those you left behind, or those that you helped escaped, only to witness them wasting the opportunities life has granted or those life gave a chance to escape whilst in the same breath stealing their safety net leading to their death or misfortunes. I've seen people give up on life rather quickly and I understand why. Where I'm from people tend to think once you 'escape' to a foreign country then you are living gloriously, that you're simply not in real need of riches or those past needs have significantly lessen - that's a big fallacy. I can honestly say despite being a product of the ghetto I truly didn't realised the true harshness of living until I moved overseas - mass wrong convictions, homelessness (sleeping on floors,  or witnessing how many bodies can fit on a bed or a sofa), starvation, spiritual bankruptcy, paedophilia, human trafficking, the harsh reality of a 9-5, police brutality, idle murder, discrimination, escorting, racism, rape, suicide, drugs, abandonment, abuse, fraud, cyber bullying and the list continues. Don't get me wrong these exist in third world countries but not to such extreme. The 6 degree of separation then falls to 2. I've experienced a few of the listed and I can say it makes you thankful to look in the mirror and still be able to genuinely smile.

I know people that would kill to be in my situation and it hurts because I feel like I'm not making the most of my position regardless of how hard I try. I would be working my ass off and it still feels like I'm not doing my people justice. It's as though I have taken an ounce of motivation and sheer will power from each of them and it's being wasted on the efforts of a 9-5 job or lacking to successfully promote my passions rather than charging full force into building an empire. I remember there was a time in my life I would work 2 jobs and I will go home write and record videos, then sleep 2-4hrs and repeat day after day and I would still feel like I was doing the bare minimum - years later and here I am treading the same lines, feeling unhelpful, as well as a sense of impeding anticlimactic destruction and I'm not sure if I want to move out the way of this runaway train coming at me.

I can say I've always thought that in some way, shape or form I would be a positive impact on my country like Bob Marley or Marcus Garvey and I feel thankful to have made it this far but even writing these posts makes me feel a sense of bitterness sometimes. Like I'm not truly fulfilling my purpose just simply buying time or wasting it to avoid doing what I should be doing. Truth is I feel guilty about being the one to have escaped the cold brash force of the ghetto when so many people deserve the opportunity, I feel even worse knowing that by now, more than a decade later after leaving my country, some other soul could have been a millionaire opening schools and bettering the fundamentals of my country to better the lives of my people and yet I have not. I feel 'sometimes' like the wrong person was given this opportunity but here I am. I just shred a tear and continue to hustle. As I write this I'm thinking about all the mess I've been through, and how insignificant every giant step I try to take feel. It's bizarre how my footsteps could feel so cosmic and trivial at the same time. I came across a girl yesterday, I met awhile back and though my encounters with her prior to yesterday was limited to small talk, the joy she expressed from seeing me is edged in my brain, it made me think that maybe I brought that joy to the lives of many, and for a moment it soothe my 'why me' conundrum. But if all I'm here to do is make people feel good that's not enough and it begs the question what is enough. When will I feel like I'm doing enough?

I think we're all familiar with PTSD right? I think that's what this is. I'm not trying downplay it or say its the same extreme soldiers or moms post birth suffer from but I think an ongoing raging war with your soul fucks with your mental in the same manner. I been through a lot to get the little I got in this life, I fought a lot more demons than I care to discuss and endured far more than I wanted to but I done it to get by and to help my family. I can't apologise for that and I shouldn't have to, similarly to this survival complex I am enduring. God made his or her choice and we all just have to live with it. I'm not in the position I'd like to have been in at this point in my life but here I am. We make decisions we have to live with so deal with your haunting truths unapologetically. I will say that I still believe I will make a change so cosmic, it's revolutionary and this world won't ever forget it - that's just my destiny. I just hope that along the way I can help my country, my people, my family, the ones I love and the man in the mirror (especially the latter) in more ways than expected/wished.

God is ONLY A CRUTCH!

I was born in a really god fearing city. My people never cared much for fearing humans because as our saying goes "if you can bleed like me then you can fall like me" but God, he deserved to be worshipped, feared and loved - that was the conundrum I found difficult to understand . It took leaving the city and reminiscing on the actions of so many others to realise just how far gone we were. I always heard about the devil too, he puzzled me the most. I started to compare his situation to acts related to high school or some notorious vigilante that didn't stick around to tell their story so a game of chinese whispers did the work for him. Over time I started to feel a sense of sadness mix with a lack of care for god and his fellow angel, the infamous devil but also towards the attitudes of people like myself invested in these folktales.

I became invested in attending church services couple years back. I think a lot of people thought I did it because of my beliefs, or my love for god or the messages being delivered but none of the above sadly, I did it because that atmosphere delivered an energy that was indescribable, it's hard to put it all into words. The mixture of combustable emotions made the room intriguing to me and I couldn't help but return. You could feel everything swimming around in the air originating from the alter and bouncing off the walls - faith, love, appreciation, pain, longing, desire to change, lust, surprise, etc, the concoction was overwhelming. Sadly, the joy of it all was temporary for me.  I never quiet grasped how god still recieves so much love with all the things people already know about him or her. How do you know of a being that created you and all that exist, claim to treasure life but after a gluttonous decision made by his first two human experiments (left in enemy territory may I add under no supervision), we're all condemned to merciless hands of death. Does that sound just? Then you're told he has an evil brother that contested his regime of reign and was sentenced to remain in a place you're not supposed to wish upon your worst enemy, then why was it was ok for a being held so highly to then excercise such cruel, drastic and unforgivable precaution on their own blood. Is it then ok to say do unto others as you would yourself? If we're loved so much then why is heaven or hell even a question, better yet why do you have to suffer a sickening fate such as being raped or enduring homelessness if your fate was seen by the omniscient GOD you 'love', centuries before your existence. Let me guess it's all apart of God's greater plan and to test your faith and blah blah blah.

I can't imagine how hard it must have been for the devil. I think we all know as humans that there's only so much bad we can hear about ourselves or be surrounded by before we succumb to such darkness. I'm sure angels are no different in the same respect. By no means am I defending Satan, I still believe that we should all face the consequences for our wrongdoings but we should hold god to the same standards. I personally don't think heaven would represent euthopia, it's filled with angels scared to speak out and end up sharing the same faith as the fallen. I can't speak on any other religions but Christianity, and I do feel it's time you all stop blaming evil forces for your actions because as the story of Adam and Eve showed the devil just whispers the choice to act is yours. Any true believer of God knows that. 

As for you god, I feel rather indifferent. I don't care for your presence, too many people has suffered under your watch and for someone who has the power to stop it... All these stories in the bible has just inflicted fear to increase your fans/followers. The world has  forget that in order for there to had been a hero you gladly painted villains: Judas the betrayer, Goliathe is now a permanent mockery, Mary is having a kid without sex then birthing a revolutionary soul while Michal died barren, Sodom and Gomorrah ccausd a rift that seems irrevocable between the gay community and your loyal fans and the list continues. God I don't think you're worthy of fear nor belief, but like you said treat others as I would like to be treated, so I'll tell you as I always tell Akil "all the best"! And the to all you loyal believers do you but respect others' choice to not treat God like a crutch or care about his/her existence at all. And to the atheists, FUCK, cheers to y'all, live ya best life!

May, June, July, August, that's the order! 

I think for the most part whether or not we made a conscious decision to assess our character the pandemic has thrown most of us in an introspective state. We find ourselves not so much consumed by self-actualization but forced to come to term with our reality. I've found myself saying "you are....Hmmm... Ok, I guess that's fine" a lot, and maybe you've been accepting certain revelations yourself. This is the best time to truly come to terms with your 'truths' because you are who you are. Those choices you had been given that led to the decisions you made, might have been handled differently now given a second shot but you know what, it doesn't matter, you did what you did and that's just it, you are who you are now because of those choices and decisions, PERIOD! This sad period in time we're experiencing known as 'the new normal' has a lot of positives. Look at the simplest one - family time or better yet alone time if you have no family members around. You get the chance to really bond with those you share roots with or just spend an endless amount of time in the mirror beating every demon to the point of self-acceptance. Then you'll truly understand this 'period/era of restriction' is less like gravity and more like propellers. You're meant to grow in some way, shape or form, it's your birthright so embrace it.

The quarantine has led to the uprise of many great things, my favourite being TikTok. I love love love that! Despite the never-ending turmoil that this year keeps catapulting our way we've somehow still found easily accessible portals to the land of laughter and that needs to be acknowledged people, it's a testament to our strength. Especially as this mental bombardment continues and we're repeatedly left fighting to retain what little sanity we can scrape after listening to a depressing news report or experiencing a shocking community/household loss.

I've heard that there has been a drastic increase in the number of people now battling with a mental health disorder and in all honesty, I'm not shocked. I really hope though that we're seeking help rather than termination and holding unto hope rather than seeking a heavenly pathway towards absolution. You need to find your source of laughter and strength and grip unto that or them, feed off their energy or spirit because this 'period of pain' WILL reach its end and when it does you'll need to make sure you're in the position to do only one thing, RISE! Work on strengthening your mental health because you didn't make it this far to give up before feeding on the fruits of your labour. Also, work on bringing light to the lives of those you're associated with.

I know there's talks of a new wave coming to our doorsteps and having to yet again quarantine but let's not focus on the ifs and maybes, right now we're able to enjoy our 'ex norms' and that's worth appreciating and revelling in. As the tide slowly continues to turn I want you to acknowledge that there are certain times in all our lives we'll encounter the great struggle to find order, or some semblance of balance and it's ok to reach that crossroads no matter our age. In all honesty, the hunt for inner peace may prove harder than the hunt for an elixir for life itself and even if found, proves to be frustratingly temporary. I feel like in times like these all you need to know are the facts - with May cometh June then July, and then the hot queen herself Ms August and with them cometh a new day, month, hour, second and with those cometh opportunities to find out just what currently makes you tick and how much you're truly capable of. That's what you truly need to keep in mind! In my opinion that's pretty much all the order, you need in this life, simple as. P.S a schedule may also be helpful too haha.

BLM

I don't feel whole. 

It's 4:12 in the morning, I just picked my phone up and saw that I had received a message earlier from a lovely soul simply wanting to check how I'm doing in the midst of all this chaos and I responded "I don't want to talk about it." Truth is I don't know where I truly stand on anything anymore, or maybe I just don't want to admit how I feel about anything anymore. I feel like I'm the only one trapped in a maze of disbelief when it comes to the recent uproar. It's as though I'm on the battlefield and even those that were stunned by being attacked had recovered, become alert and went charging towards enemy lines and I'm just standing, frozen, waiting for the smoke to clear - waiting to see if I'm wounded at all. I feel like someone is having fun just slicing away at my flesh and I'm just letting it happen - just standing there, frozen, waiting on them to feel as tired as I do... There's blood being spilled, not just mines but countless others I share an ancestral connection with and it's like I can feel every scar, every tissue has they tear; I can feel every soul as they lose their light; I can feel all the anger, the rage, the unjust, the cry, the pity, the hate, the love, the hope, the expectations, the strong need for change, the fight, the stillness - it's all so overwhelming! I feel like someone balled it up and lodged it in my vessel and I'm just fighting everyday to find balance and stay away from the darkness. Simultaneously, I feel like I can't even give 100% focus to these external issues because I already have so many other things I'm battling physically, mentality, spiri... But that's not my main problem, the truth is I'm very much sure I'm fighting the wrong fight.

I look around and it sounds as though everyone knows what they are fighting for but I'm still unsure. I went so long not giving a fuck about emotions, I think destiny is now knocking on my cerebral walls screaming 'this you need to care about', but I don't quite know how to. There's a war going on outside, one we've been fighting since the 'dawn of inequality and stupidity in its prime' eloped, one that has been at the forefront of our very existence for as long as we could remember and I'm not sure if I'm marching, or watching from afar, or protesting in front of the TV or if I'm even responsive. Recent events has spiralled a mass awakening forcing eyeballs to pierce the core of injustice surrounding my very race tossing the mass into action, forcing them all to unite and fight yet here I am, standing still, frozen, waiting for the smoke to clear... I see so many fallen soldiers, so much blood, as well as a lifetime of sacrifices surrounding me and I guess I'm just trying to find out what I'm truly fighting for before I grab my pitchfork and rush back into battle. I'm surrounded by so many hopefuls and they seem to be clueless of the extent of this war or simply onboard with causing chaos or bragging about those that have but where are those that truly know the fight exceeds what's written on the forehead of our current enemy? Where are the people that know this fight is much bigger than changing thoughts on racism? See, right there is my problem! I'm failing to acknowledge that this fight is exactly about that! I've been failing to differentiate between the war at hand and the battle at hand.

I was disappointed, absolutely gutted that my blacks, my people, would be so enraged that black lives are being taken by the hands of "whites" but they weren't as riotous as they are now when we're doing the same to our own. I'm angry, or upset, or frustrated or confused or whatever that I keep hearing "yes all lives matter, but to the justice system black lives don't seem to matter" when we ourselves as the black community act as though our lives are only worth fighting for when it's at the mercy of a white fella not just "all lives", all race, all souls. I don't believe all lives are considered equal in the eyes of the mass outside the justice system either and that's just the truth and it's due to lack of awareness or to put it more simple, thoughtlessness. I was speaking to a white man the other day (an inconsequential detail may I add) and he pointed out that if the roles were reversed and George Floyd was white and it was black cops that had done what these white cops did, it would be an immediate termination and sentenced from the justice system and in the end I don't fully agree with that statement. The shield protects the shield in my book but maybe that's stupidity talking. But this is the life we live in, everyone say the world is not so black and white but yet they're the same folks choosing to look at it through vintage lenz and so here we are. I'm not saying racism doesn't exist it's clear it does but I want the same uproar throughout our hoods and from the entire world when a black cop kills my fellow blacks or when my fellow blacks murders another black. If the fight is race then why do we only leap when it's popular to leap, I mean why aren't we screaming for retrials or petitioning to have passed cases appealed so minorities that were clearly given harsh sentences could see daylight again before old age. Why aren't whites saying ok let's fight for the success or an increase of black businesses in their communities? Black businesses are being burned down but yet the same blacks justifying the need for violence and riotous behaviour due to being ignored for so long are the same ones saying support the black businesses but their actions are destroying them. Where's the uproar, especially from my blacks who are supposed to be fighting to strengthen our race's roots in society? How can we progress, grow or give opportunities to our future youngsters if we destroy current roots in the process?

The truth is nowadays I feel whites are just as lost as blacks are, they hear words like racism and white privilege and they don't know how the fuck to react. If we hope to enact the change we seek globally it's clear whites would need to be a conduit, allies to change the minds of those that share their views, backgrounds or just a stubborn outlook. That's why Martin made sure the allegiance was multi-coloured right. I guess the part that depresses me the most are Americans' mentality. See regardless of their colour the entire country seem to be so direction-less and I think it's about time we stop blaming it on the lack of leadership. Regardless of if you're being led by the current pre-evolutionary chimp in power or not, 'the people', all you fine 'upstanding citizens' could've done a lot more to make 'America great again'. I mean where was this uproar when Islamphobia became apparent and Muslims were getting bullied and tortured in public with little to no care from their fellow Americans? Where's the uproar every 5 seconds America take their troops up and cast them overseas to kill the innocent on lands they chose to invade causing another parent to mourn an irreplaceable soul? Where's the uproar every time a politician or a president has been outed for doing something illegal or immoral? If black lives matters on such a cosmic scale and you whites truly care for the betterment of our race then why aren't you marching in the hoods trying to also stop black on black crimes like my fellow blacks should be doing? Why aren't my 55 marching these cities like Chicago well known for black on black violence to say put down the weapons and value each other not vengeance? Why do we feel we're so passionate for change or we've made such a colossal difference after consciously choosing to participate in only %, capturing a bunch of pics and later hitting social media to shine the evidence? You're truly devoted to the cause but you couldn't find time to keep marching? The statement isn't "how can I say All lives matter when black lives don't" it's "How can I say I genuinely believe all lives matter when my actions prove otherwise." 

Despite your race you should know that the real war lies with injustice on all levels. And I'll admit I'm far too smart to be oblivious to one of the branches on this tree of injustice being race inequality especially towards blacks. My orientals profited off technological advances and my Indians or south asians in general have profited from being book smart and codependent because these are the privileges their environments granted them. Us blacks for the most part have profited off crimes and being street smart, consequently turning it into art to make truly inspirational and skillful products and services whether it's through rap, poetry, street art, etc and that's something to be proud of. Despite our race being a minority we did some remarkable things with the cards we've been dealt. Let's band together, fight for equality as well as hatred/envy amongst our own and then hit the justice system hard so we won't have to turn to riots and overseas war in order to get minor convictions when the most heartless crimes have been committed.

I heard a lady by the name of Michaela Cole described earlier today in an interview that she feel people lack awareness or better yet thoughtfulness in her industry. Awareness brings change! That's why this movement is so royal and pivotal manifest this 'equal' world we hope to see someday. Let's show the youths of today that the same degree of respect, protection and responsibility we want from our cops is the same manner in which they should treat their fellow earthlings. Put the guns down throughout the hood, let's employ each other, teach each other how to own businesses, follow passions, get educated on cultures, the beauty of travel, community spirit, mental and physical health reformations, volunteers and programs. Then we can pass this knowledge down the line to better our race. Let's better our HOME starting with our communities then keep expanding across the planet! BLM has so much power, let's make it more than an hashtag, or trendy movement or a card to pull out the bag when a white cop kills one of our own. BLM is a symbol of hope to show all blacks like the Kanye WestS that they have a shoulder to lean on when faced with mental struggles or the John LewisS that have opened doors to grant us opportunities we won't be wasting such preciousness. Or the Harriet TubmanS that are still fighting to escape the confines of racism whether they are in a 1st world country or not we fight so they could be empowered to seek independence. Also the Kandis CapriS that are now fearing their heart's desire to transition that they are loved and supported by us all so screw fear! BLM!!! And to all my ladies, strong underestimated, underappreciated BLACK queens we see you, you're not enraged just driven and outspoken, just the way we love you, stay true! BLM!!!

TELL HIM (Poem)

Tell him I'm here

couple doors away

in this room forced to wait.

Like his heartbeat my feet pacing away,

like his consciousness my mind is racing away,

but here I'll stay.

Tell him!

Tell him through sickness and health

I'll be by his side till the bitter end.

I'm here...

An anchor to reality,

a lifeline we can both share.

Don't leave me!

Come back to me.

Your pain I'll continue to alleviate

I need this dark cloud to dissipate,

focus on our love - concentrate,

we're not finish here.

Fight!

Fight for us my dear.

Tell him

I'll be here wiping his every tear.

He need not fear.

Tell him!

Tell him

that's not his deathbed

just another hurdle we'll beat without fail.

I can feel his pain.

I can feel your pain;

I can,

but every second those eyes stay closed is another scar.

Every nurse coming through those doors toy with my heart

but none will break my heart

because today won't be the day we part.

I'm here.

Can you hear me?

Can he hear me?

Tell him I'm here!

We have yet to see the Eiffel Tower,

or visit Rome to see the beauty in every structure,

or taste delicacies in the heart of Libya,

or view the wonderful frescoes of the giri fortress in Sri Lanka.

See we still have rocky roads ahead,

this can't be our end.

We still have to return to the cabin

you promised me a photo by the lake, smiling.

I need to soar the skies with you by my side,

one last time,

or take a cruise, oceanview as we glide.

I need to see you laying on the sand,

our usual repartee whilst hand in hand,

or see you fishing, snorkling, driving, running, walking, writing, eating, laughing - just anything!

I just need to hear you breathing.

Stay with me.

I'm here.

Come back to me!

Please.

Don't go here,

this is not our place!

Go under our roof

when it's just me and you.

Depart after a great night of laughter,

filled with games like charade or chess,

beat me one last time,

this time I promise I won't be upset.

You've always been a winner,

so do what you do best.

Win!

Come back to me.

You hear me?

Fight for us.

I'm here!

I'm here waiting.

Tell him.

Tell him I'm here.

OUR HEYDAY WILL COME!

I never had dreams growing up!

I came from a community that submerged me in a black hole of criticism so I spent my time indulging in disassociation; I branded myself an outcast real early on and I guess my brain was occupied focusing on all the reasons I didn't fit in, I neglected any need for aspirations. For that reason I didn't dream. I would say the only thing I truly longed for was to leave my neighbourhood and move to the good part of town but it always felt more like destiny rather than a dream - still haven't seen the good part of my city yet, so much for destiny. All in due time. Anyway, if you've ever been a kid that felt you had to fit in slightly just to keep sane or a kid currently walking in the shoes of a non dreamer then trust you can relate to where this tale is heading. My community was very small, but I realised rather quick that there was a lot to learn if I had hoped to blend in, so I became a keen observer. I was bent on imitating any actions that would stimulate a positive response whilst avoiding lengthy conversations and conveying a sense of involvement and boy oh boy did I learn quick.

There was one question that all the kids got asked in my community growing up and it stuck with me till this very day (it's still on auto replay in my most silent of moments) - what do you want to be when you grow up. See the one thing apart from classwork that I was really good at was dancing. Where I'm from dancing moved mountains and I was amongst the best, it came so naturally I had no reason to dream of wanting to be a well known dancer, plus it always seemed tied to  envy (you'll learn that's the price for talent), and since I wasn't fond of any subjects at school, just doing them because I had to, none stemmed any DREAMS. So I fell back, and I listened day after day as the other kids would answer this question, hoping no one would ask me until I had the 'perfect' answer. It took me a short while but I realised the answers that recieved the most 'awe' was doctors and lawyers. Then I realised the kids that answered 'doctor' got bombarded with more questions than the ones who said lawyers - what type of doctor, why, do you know how hard and long you have to study, what hospital, you wanna be the one to cure blah blah, you have to learn what 'so and so' means, I'll test you on the meanings next time I see you, blah blah blah. See the beauty of growing up in the ghetto is almost everyone assumes when you say lawyer you're talking about criminal law so the questions became jokes (about freeing family members and contesting cops) rather than actual questions. This made it easy for me to just nod, laugh and smile like clockwork with each response. And that was how my journey of saying I want to be a lawyer began.

I was so good at faking this grand aspiration that I genuinely believed myself each time somebody asked me growing up what I wanted to be or do in life. Truth is the moment the convo was finished the charade took a backseat awaiting its next performance and I would return to being the guy with no dreams. Eventually, time passed, I moved abroad and realised I'm a wordsmith of sorts, and after several compliments I started to wonder what professions contain successful writers and there folks was the onset of my "I want to be a journalist" phase. And with absolutely no drive or care I created another charade, this time with the hopes of fooling myself first. Anytime I was asked the infamous question my answer would now be "Journalism. Any form of journalism. I just want to write." and if that answer led to more questions then I would suddenly kickstart my oh "or a lawyer" performance, because let's face it I was a pro at that 'monologue, easy to handle if spiraled into a dialogue' show - I could politely wrap that up in my sleep. The fact still remained I had no real dream or aspirations. Time passed and with it came the opportunity to study law and I remember thinking this is it, what if destiny just designed my whole childhood to bring me to this point so I can transform my lie into a full blown career. My family members was overjoyed to know I was studying law, where I'm from people say they want to pursue it but following through was so rare I have no comparisons worthy, but there I was. Little ole me studying law. I confirmed quickly what I knew from the beginning - I HAVE NOR HAD NO LOVE FOR PRACTISING LAW! So that facade dissolved quickly thanks to fate. At that same point in time I was studying English I thought ok law is no hope maybe my feet should be in the deep end of journalism, so let's better my writing techniques and later apply to journalism school. Boy that failed so bad, my feet took a wonderful trip spiraling into the welcoming arms of HELL NO rather than trotting towards that stage to collect that sexy Pulitzer prize honey. I didn't know what was left. They weren't dreams but there was some speck of hope tied up in there success when they were a possibility, you know?

Anyway, long story short, door after door closed, and as the house felt darker and darker, I felt nothing but faith. Just faith! She's been there all along. Faith was there when that kid decided he wasn't going to be hated for his idiosyncrasies anymore, and when he began to observe in order to learn how to fit in, and when he told himself that one day he'll leave his neighbourhood and achieve more than it could offer; and there when the same boy learned to only trust the fool in the mirror; and when he chose to only have that same fool as a role model; and when that same kid started trusting his instincts; and faith was there when the kid tuened into a teenager that felt no sense of care in regards to other's opinions; and when opportunities that others in his surroundings could only dream of appeared and he jumped at them all; she was there through failures, job rejections and the revelation that a simply no to this or that, opens a path for something possibly better and greater; she was there through the burial of every secret and in the passenger seat when every wrong turn led down a rocky road; and when the same teenager that threw caution to the wind, took life by the balls and just said "F 'em all imma be great someday"!; and she's been there as he forged himself into a man. Faith, that's all you need.

I got to a point I was working a job I knew would inevitably end, thank god, and there I was on the clock, digressing and I stumbled upon an ad about applying for acting. Eventually, I went to an audition for an acting school and they were playing this scene from a film on the big screen and my eyes surprisingly started to well up because in that moment I knew without a shadow of a doubt what I wanted to do for sure. I WANT TO ACT. No more facades for me, unless it's scripted haha. Some people would say you concocted a performance of wanting to be a lawyer and journalist your whole life, as well as told and acted out stories in class to amuse others constantly and you had no idea you had a passion for acting, clueless much lol. In all honesty, I've never been a dreamer and I don't consider becoming a successful Actor to be a dream more like destiny. DESTINY, remember her - in some ways she's like your hearts unspokened dreams and she always comes true especially when driven by positivity. I don't care about the questions that follow I just know it's gonna happen because I have faith and it's destined! It took me 26 years to figure that out and I say that to say this to you, whether you're 6, 16, 26, 36, 56, 86 or whatever, and whether you're a dreamer or not, whether you know without a shadow of doubt what your purpose is in this world or you're just trying find your feet in a sea of overbearing critics don't question life's plans just pursue and have faith everything will work out in your favour. My heyday will come and so will yours! No one can stop a legend honey, REMEMBER THAT!!! In the words of MY MOM the LEGENDARY QUEEN herself "we all have our time and when it's your time, no one can stop it baby!"

The Commoners

I was on my way home from work last night and I spotted a young lady sitting on a wall bordering her dimly lit veranda; she was staring at the front door and though I couldn't vividly see her face within 5 seconds into my observation she used her sleeves to wipe her cheeks and I concluded she was crying. Another 5 seconds later, a very bubbly young lady exited the front door to greet the first young lady that was crying. This second lady was vibrant, loud and just filled with laughter, unsurprisingly this led to her crying friend chuckling despite the feeling of sadness. It made me realised how common of a thing it is for our life or better yet mood to change in half a minute because of a friend or anyone enthusiastic enough to pick us up when sinking deep into the dark hole of glumness. And though that joy may be short lived due to how overwhelming the depth of our sorrow may be, it's a matter of practising how to find a modicum of joy everyday - mind over matter as some would say.

I continued walking and around 10 seconds later I spotted a cat coming towards me, he or she realised that we would eventually come face to face so they scurried off the pavement into the nearest yard. In that moment I realised how common that action is for cats. Then I started to take a look at my surroundings, this route I'm taking home wasn't a version of my norm a few months ago but it's now entered my list of 'commons'. The areas I pass through when transporting from A to B is now my new norm! This simply made me realise how quickly our norms could change. It also made me take heed of how many things we overlook due to concentrating solely on the shortcomings or benefits of these new norms. Also, how many blessings we lose sight of because of the white noise or to put it more bluntly the usual calm or storm that is tied to our environments. There's a bit of good in every bad, it just takes awhile to grasp that and then a while longer to see just how much good.

I reached 'home' shortly after that feline uneventful fiasco and realised instantly how much that noun has changed in its definition and significance within my life. 'Home'. The word always held a temporary meaning to me, mostly due to moving around more times than vagrants and lacking a connection with sentimentality. Whenever I ended up in a place I'd refer to as home, I always knew the day would come to leave, therefore I try to make the most of a situation. I tend to wonder if I'm making the most of my current situation - I mean I've always wanted to live in Philadelphia but I spend far more time working, blindly victimized by my work norms, than I do touring the city and enjoying its beauty and diving into the unusual, spontaneous essence it has to offer in order to really shape my future. I guess I really crave a deep dive into the city's mystique. Am I truly living? That's the question a lot of us workaholics really want to know right? I think the answer our soul gives everytime is pretty common but that's sadly one more commonality we ignore.

Through this revelation I've noticed it's become quite common to live in the epicenter of normality not really acknowledging how restrictive it is. We have so many excuses or 'reasons' if that's the word you feel more comfortable using to mask the truth as to why we continue to just follow our normal routines but let's be honest we can find an hour or two a week to indulge in the unknown, feed our souls anything but the 'commonalities of our life' to at least feel slightly rejuvenated or enlightened by something unthinkable, unforeseen or just culturally or spiritually eye opening. Don't we deserve that treat - DON'T YOU!?!

Where am I?

Where am I, that's a question we find ourselves asking a lot right? Well, let's not talk about location because signs are everywhere and Google maps can do more than I can in that regard, let's focus on the now. Where are you now? Did you just lose a best friend or family member? Did you quit your job? Did you just realised, admit or done something pivotal to shape your future? Are you diving neck deep into some sweet treats that now seems irresistible in the wake of a heartbreak? Did you recently start to devote yourself to a healthier, fitter and balanced lifestyle or a new hobby perhaps? Are you finally acting on your decision to travel the world? Are you doing the same frivolous routines or are you on your way to a new school or prom or sitting at a banquet for your 60th birthday celebration? You know where you are! The question isn't where am I, it's do I know I'm still in the race. Life has not stopped; you still have time to do more, be more, or simply find a little touch of joy in doing minor things to help climb your way out of the dark pit of sadness you're currently experiencing! You still have time to give yourself a chance to live.

Ask yourself in this moment do you feel like a work in progress or have you stopped living, even though that beautiful little organ is still pounding away perfectly fine. Why are you pretending you're at the finish line when there are more laps still to run - you're still in the race! I've noticed several people are battling depression and fighting suicidal thoughts and if that's you I want you to do exactly as I'm about to instruct before proceeding to the next paragraph! Take a minute and breathe, and as you focus on every breath you take, reflect on how far you've come, all the hurdles you've jumped, all the times you've genuinely been proud of yourself for even doing the most "normal" of things like rolling out of bed or smiling because for you it hasn't been so 'normal'. Now as you reflect on these moments think about the others you've made smile or helped over a hurdle of their own and realise there's a reason you're still breathing. Today you roll out of bed and make it to the bathroom, next week would be the kitchen, before you know it it'll be your car or whatever means of transport, then work, then it'll be conversation with strangers again and a smile, then laughter will find its way back to your soul and before you know it maybe love or a purpose will stumble on your path. Now you may regress before you achieve what you want and if that happens just remember to get out of bed, dormancy and change does not go hand in hand. Why do you think I call this blog movements? The change you want to see lies in your movements, so keep going!

For all those people not battling from such emotions but living day after day monotonously, I am not saying save a life or tomorrow wake up and go pilot an airplane, but by all mean you might as well get 5 seconds in the cockpit while you're on your way to skydive for the first time hahahahaaa. All I'm saying is while you're busy making a dream come true why not cross a few unexpected actions off your bucket list too. It's all about doing what you've always wanted to do before crossing the finish line, living in your best light, I mean who else deserves the spotlight if not you right - that's rhetorical by the way haha.

A lot of us hate to colour outside the lines, therefore we abhor anything beyond the norm. At first it may have started off as fear but it has gotten to the point we may hate outcasts or daredevils or the idea of being different or even simply breaking the rules... So I'm here to help you! Humans were created to grow and change, hindering that only limits or prevent your progress and who needs limits in a world filled with endless opportunities. In fact who needs hate when there's so much beauty around. I get it some of us grew up in an environment that forbade smiling or showing any signs of 'sensitivity' and some of us grew up being told there is a lineage of 'this and that' in our family, therefore traditions and a legacy has to be uphold - it's in our destiny. Well, like I said humans were created to enforce change. You want a change make it happen and if you don't well stand up, pivot and take that 360 view in people because that's all the future has to offer sadly. But no harm no foul right? We all know where we are, the question is do we know we're still in the race. After that I guess it's all about figuring out WHERE YOU WANT TO GET TO AND WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE ALONG THE WAY IN THIS SHORT LITTLE LIFE OF OURS. I think you know! Forget fear and consequences for awhile and just take a leap, you might surprise yourself and life just might surprise you in return. Stars shoot beyond the moon into the unknown honey - that's a beautiful thing - and as Gaga would put it "YOU'RE A GODDAMN SUPERSTAR!" Own your liberation from the doubts of this world and conquer like you were born to do.

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