BLM

I don't feel whole. 

It's 4:12 in the morning, I just picked my phone up and saw that I had received a message earlier from a lovely soul simply wanting to check how I'm doing in the midst of all this chaos and I responded "I don't want to talk about it." Truth is I don't know where I truly stand on anything anymore, or maybe I just don't want to admit how I feel about anything anymore. I feel like I'm the only one trapped in a maze of disbelief when it comes to the recent uproar. It's as though I'm on the battlefield and even those that were stunned by being attacked had recovered, become alert and went charging towards enemy lines and I'm just standing, frozen, waiting for the smoke to clear - waiting to see if I'm wounded at all. I feel like someone is having fun just slicing away at my flesh and I'm just letting it happen - just standing there, frozen, waiting on them to feel as tired as I do... There's blood being spilled, not just mines but countless others I share an ancestral connection with and it's like I can feel every scar, every tissue has they tear; I can feel every soul as they lose their light; I can feel all the anger, the rage, the unjust, the cry, the pity, the hate, the love, the hope, the expectations, the strong need for change, the fight, the stillness - it's all so overwhelming! I feel like someone balled it up and lodged it in my vessel and I'm just fighting everyday to find balance and stay away from the darkness. Simultaneously, I feel like I can't even give 100% focus to these external issues because I already have so many other things I'm battling physically, mentality, spiri... But that's not my main problem, the truth is I'm very much sure I'm fighting the wrong fight.

I look around and it sounds as though everyone knows what they are fighting for but I'm still unsure. I went so long not giving a fuck about emotions, I think destiny is now knocking on my cerebral walls screaming 'this you need to care about', but I don't quite know how to. There's a war going on outside, one we've been fighting since the 'dawn of inequality and stupidity in its prime' eloped, one that has been at the forefront of our very existence for as long as we could remember and I'm not sure if I'm marching, or watching from afar, or protesting in front of the TV or if I'm even responsive. Recent events has spiralled a mass awakening forcing eyeballs to pierce the core of injustice surrounding my very race tossing the mass into action, forcing them all to unite and fight yet here I am, standing still, frozen, waiting for the smoke to clear... I see so many fallen soldiers, so much blood, as well as a lifetime of sacrifices surrounding me and I guess I'm just trying to find out what I'm truly fighting for before I grab my pitchfork and rush back into battle. I'm surrounded by so many hopefuls and they seem to be clueless of the extent of this war or simply onboard with causing chaos or bragging about those that have but where are those that truly know the fight exceeds what's written on the forehead of our current enemy? Where are the people that know this fight is much bigger than changing thoughts on racism? See, right there is my problem! I'm failing to acknowledge that this fight is exactly about that! I've been failing to differentiate between the war at hand and the battle at hand.

I was disappointed, absolutely gutted that my blacks, my people, would be so enraged that black lives are being taken by the hands of "whites" but they weren't as riotous as they are now when we're doing the same to our own. I'm angry, or upset, or frustrated or confused or whatever that I keep hearing "yes all lives matter, but to the justice system black lives don't seem to matter" when we ourselves as the black community act as though our lives are only worth fighting for when it's at the mercy of a white fella not just "all lives", all race, all souls. I don't believe all lives are considered equal in the eyes of the mass outside the justice system either and that's just the truth and it's due to lack of awareness or to put it more simple, thoughtlessness. I was speaking to a white man the other day (an inconsequential detail may I add) and he pointed out that if the roles were reversed and George Floyd was white and it was black cops that had done what these white cops did, it would be an immediate termination and sentenced from the justice system and in the end I don't fully agree with that statement. The shield protects the shield in my book but maybe that's stupidity talking. But this is the life we live in, everyone say the world is not so black and white but yet they're the same folks choosing to look at it through vintage lenz and so here we are. I'm not saying racism doesn't exist it's clear it does but I want the same uproar throughout our hoods and from the entire world when a black cop kills my fellow blacks or when my fellow blacks murders another black. If the fight is race then why do we only leap when it's popular to leap, I mean why aren't we screaming for retrials or petitioning to have passed cases appealed so minorities that were clearly given harsh sentences could see daylight again before old age. Why aren't whites saying ok let's fight for the success or an increase of black businesses in their communities? Black businesses are being burned down but yet the same blacks justifying the need for violence and riotous behaviour due to being ignored for so long are the same ones saying support the black businesses but their actions are destroying them. Where's the uproar, especially from my blacks who are supposed to be fighting to strengthen our race's roots in society? How can we progress, grow or give opportunities to our future youngsters if we destroy current roots in the process?

The truth is nowadays I feel whites are just as lost as blacks are, they hear words like racism and white privilege and they don't know how the fuck to react. If we hope to enact the change we seek globally it's clear whites would need to be a conduit, allies to change the minds of those that share their views, backgrounds or just a stubborn outlook. That's why Martin made sure the allegiance was multi-coloured right. I guess the part that depresses me the most are Americans' mentality. See regardless of their colour the entire country seem to be so direction-less and I think it's about time we stop blaming it on the lack of leadership. Regardless of if you're being led by the current pre-evolutionary chimp in power or not, 'the people', all you fine 'upstanding citizens' could've done a lot more to make 'America great again'. I mean where was this uproar when Islamphobia became apparent and Muslims were getting bullied and tortured in public with little to no care from their fellow Americans? Where's the uproar every 5 seconds America take their troops up and cast them overseas to kill the innocent on lands they chose to invade causing another parent to mourn an irreplaceable soul? Where's the uproar every time a politician or a president has been outed for doing something illegal or immoral? If black lives matters on such a cosmic scale and you whites truly care for the betterment of our race then why aren't you marching in the hoods trying to also stop black on black crimes like my fellow blacks should be doing? Why aren't my 55 marching these cities like Chicago well known for black on black violence to say put down the weapons and value each other not vengeance? Why do we feel we're so passionate for change or we've made such a colossal difference after consciously choosing to participate in only %, capturing a bunch of pics and later hitting social media to shine the evidence? You're truly devoted to the cause but you couldn't find time to keep marching? The statement isn't "how can I say All lives matter when black lives don't" it's "How can I say I genuinely believe all lives matter when my actions prove otherwise." 

Despite your race you should know that the real war lies with injustice on all levels. And I'll admit I'm far too smart to be oblivious to one of the branches on this tree of injustice being race inequality especially towards blacks. My orientals profited off technological advances and my Indians or south asians in general have profited from being book smart and codependent because these are the privileges their environments granted them. Us blacks for the most part have profited off crimes and being street smart, consequently turning it into art to make truly inspirational and skillful products and services whether it's through rap, poetry, street art, etc and that's something to be proud of. Despite our race being a minority we did some remarkable things with the cards we've been dealt. Let's band together, fight for equality as well as hatred/envy amongst our own and then hit the justice system hard so we won't have to turn to riots and overseas war in order to get minor convictions when the most heartless crimes have been committed.

I heard a lady by the name of Michaela Cole described earlier today in an interview that she feel people lack awareness or better yet thoughtfulness in her industry. Awareness brings change! That's why this movement is so royal and pivotal manifest this 'equal' world we hope to see someday. Let's show the youths of today that the same degree of respect, protection and responsibility we want from our cops is the same manner in which they should treat their fellow earthlings. Put the guns down throughout the hood, let's employ each other, teach each other how to own businesses, follow passions, get educated on cultures, the beauty of travel, community spirit, mental and physical health reformations, volunteers and programs. Then we can pass this knowledge down the line to better our race. Let's better our HOME starting with our communities then keep expanding across the planet! BLM has so much power, let's make it more than an hashtag, or trendy movement or a card to pull out the bag when a white cop kills one of our own. BLM is a symbol of hope to show all blacks like the Kanye WestS that they have a shoulder to lean on when faced with mental struggles or the John LewisS that have opened doors to grant us opportunities we won't be wasting such preciousness. Or the Harriet TubmanS that are still fighting to escape the confines of racism whether they are in a 1st world country or not we fight so they could be empowered to seek independence. Also the Kandis CapriS that are now fearing their heart's desire to transition that they are loved and supported by us all so screw fear! BLM!!! And to all my ladies, strong underestimated, underappreciated BLACK queens we see you, you're not enraged just driven and outspoken, just the way we love you, stay true! BLM!!!