Let me grieve my Yesterdays!

“You always used to say I should be thankful for everyday…I just can't believe you're gone, still waiting for morning to come, wanna see if the sun will rise even without you by my side… I know I'll see you again, I'm sure. No, it's not selfish to ask for more, one more night, one more day, one more smile on your face… I thought our days would last forever but it wasn't our destiny 'cause in my mind we had so much time but I was so wrong… They can take tomorrow and the plans we made, they can take the music that we'll never play, all the broken dreams take everything, just take it away but they can never have yesterday… Now I can believe that I can still find the strength in the moments we made” – Leona Lewis (Song: Yesterday).

I don’t know the right things to say when it comes to sorrow; I've never been the comforting type, but I know if I tell you things will get better and one day all the hurt and pain you feel will slowly fade and you’ll eventually know when it’s right to move on and all those wonderful things, I’d feel as though I’m a hypocrite, despite the great degree of truth it holds. I think in times of grief it’s best you allow yourself to embrace everything you feel, absolutely everything because holding everything in only hurts more and whether or not you know it grief has its own way of catching up with us eventually.

Someone once said when a wound is fresh all sense of morality & care disappears and I believe that’s true. I also feel that similar to a wound there’s these little things you need to do before you cover it up and hope it heals. The path grief takes you down is unthinkable sometimes but the road you travel when you ignore dealing with it is rough, tiring, painful and often revengeful. I think in our hearts we make these little plans and sometimes life has this dreadful way of turning our expected tomorrows into yesterdays. I say grieve, mourn your loss, despite what others think or feel you should do, it doesn't matter it’s your life and I say when or if you’re ever ready to move on and I hope you will be then you go ahead and do so. In the meantime I’ll leave you with this…

“You’re grieving for the future and all the plans and dreams you had in your head and now that’s all gone. There’s a wonderful saying - you have to give up the life you've planned, to find the life that’s waiting for you. All our lives we – we grow by giving up things, by loss and, and moving on, big things, little ones, how we handle those losses really defines who we are… You have to be able to hear what’s next in your life, what path you might want to travel down.” - Brothers and Sisters (Series 5, episode 5).

Take it from me grieve but give yourself a chance, listen to your heart, believe in time things will get better and when it’s time to move on do so. It doesn't mean you’re giving up on your past, it just means you’re willing to give the future a chance; it means you’re willing to give yourself a chance at – happiness or something else.

Dear Mom,

I feel like this is something I have to write because if anyone knows how bad I am at verbally expressing anything it’s you, so here it is in writing.

Early this year, I found myself lying down and I was thinking about everything that happened over the past decade and I realize how much I accomplished and how far I came and truth be told I didn’t expect to achieve all that, not even close. At one point, I thought with everything we’ve been through as a family, I had to do a lot of things for you and the little one you blessed us both with and so I became this person that you didn’t even recognize and no matter how hard you tried I just decided to shut you out and so you felt it was just best to be grateful for the side of me you do get see. I decided this year to just stop for a while and try to see how it felt to do something for me for once and I understand now that it was extremely selfish to think that, especially after everything that took place last year but I want you to know that I’m sorry because when it comes to us three there’s no room for selfishness - of all people I should know that. Sometimes I feel like I hurt you more than I hurt myself and honestly speaking that scares me.

I never told you but I always admired everything about you growing up. You have so much faith, confidence, ambition, courage, strength, you’re humble, hard-working, fair, loving, honest, down to earth, loyal, one in 69 trillion and unbelievably beautiful (still got the best looking eyes this planet has seen for the past 60 centuries) and I thought with qualities like that how could someone be so selfless and still have such a big heart and not be vain or manipulative - I thought if you weren’t an angel then who was. We’ve been through a lot these few years and if I’m honest I found out you’re more human than I thought and I thank God every day because I saw the lengths you were willing to go to get what you want and I decided I was going to do whatever necessary to get what I want too. Right now I wish I could say you grew me up to be a man we could both be proud of but I can’t, at least not yet; however, I can say I’m going to do you proud though, that I swear. I’m a very capricious person, you are one of three people in the world that’s witness that first-hand and I thank you for everything you’ve done for me under the circumstances. I know that’s not something you hear from me enough but thank you never seems enough to me, but I really appreciate everything - absolutely everything.

You taught me that I’m different and that’s something I have to be proud of, it’s not worth hiding. You taught me that I’m blessed and whether or not I like it or know it I was born to make a difference and giving up is not even worth thinking about. You always said everything you do is for your two children and I’ve seen that's true every day through your actions and that has taught me to be a man of my word. Everything you’ve done defines strength and you've done it as a single mom, so believe me when I say there’s no one else in this world I respect more.

You always said think about the far future, don’t really focus on tomorrow and I’ve always lived by that; well, see the future has a lot in store for us, changes you can’t even imagine, I’ve seen it! The good thing is the one thing our triangle has always been good at is bouncing back so starting now ma, let’s do what we’re good at and start moving and striving again. Just remember you always said “we’re survivors and in Jesus name we already made it” – right now we’re just filling in the blanks. I know after everything you can’t help but worry about me but try to worry less, remember I’m your kid, I’m not planning on letting anything or anyone stop me from getting what’s mine in this life, neither is your little daughter – trust me. I love you and my remarkable chubby sister, more than you know.

Love,

One of Your Many Blessings

P.S. Ann-Fernee I know you would kill me if I did not give you a shout out so baby sis, there you go, so like you always say CHEERS TO OUR TRIANGLE!!!