Let me keep bleeding out - I'll be fine.

There's an unreleased post I wrote some time ago called "Where am I", not sure I'll ever release it but that's a question I ask myself a lot. WHERE AM I! I guess the only definite answer is where I'm supposed to be.

I can’t begin to tell you how much has changed for me within the span of a week: I moved countries, started taking care of a loved one, I’m unemployed (I feel like a complete novice to no-job-land and I’m rapidly feeling the effects); and I’m starting to feel like I’m fighting a losing battle on all front - me of all people, I don’t think you truly understand how rare that is.

I moved across the ocean last Sunday and within the span of 5 hours after landing I started my job hunt; I stayed on that vicious hunt until Thursday. Thursday oh Thursday, what can I say about you... Thursday I found myself reconnecting with an ex - a 4 hour conversation I doubt either of us would ever forget. It’s ridiculous how much pain a simple “Hi, I hope you’re doing well” text can hash up and how much can stem from a simple catch up after that said text. I remember growing up I kept saying I would stay away from any form of romantic involvement because my soul is not equipped to feel what the heart is supposedly meant to feel, and I knew without a doubt I would end up hurting anyone that tried to get close and, lo and behold, exhibit A. It’s so strange because I’ve walked into these intimate situations making it very clear I desire absolutely nothing serious but yet I ended up being the bad billy goat once the dust had settled. The truth is I wish I felt how I was supposed to feel or at least how others wanted me to feel but I don’t. Or maybe the truth is I don’t hope to feel that way at all because I don’t care to.


I am tired of hearing the words “I have faith in you” because I don’t know what it means nor does your actions support the words you utter. I am tired of feeling as though I owe anyone more than what I have already given. Even though I bleed, I feel no remorse for the person I’ve become and I don’t want nor need your sympathy, empathy, numerous chances or for you to 'have faith in me' because I only truly care how I feel about me. I’ll find my way, just let me bleed for now until I’m ready to wrap this wound up and carry on the good fight. As for you, your battle is your battle, pick a weapon of your choosing and good luck. And if you find yourself down at any point just know the only person you need, to get up on carry on is YOU! So to the person I hurt on Friday/Saturday I guess all I can say is you deserve the best and I hope life grants you just that - but I'll never be apart of YOUR BEST. I think we both know that but I hope we don’t become “strangers in the new”.

I’ve learned that I need to accept that I no longer share the same traits as I once possessed; however, if I desire to be someone I respect then I need to work on gaining some of those traits back. I was once unfiltered, candid and free spirited, I miss that. Now I’m just a liar because I adapted this "cautious of hurting others mentality" and as a result I tiptoed around the truth more times than necessary and if I’m honest I feel like scum, or do I? I really don’t know how I feel - I think I’ve spent the majority of my life just trying to feel and then here we are, in this moment, trying to work out if I genuinely feel anything at all or am I conjuring up synthetic emotions to not seem cold. I can admit with everything that I’ve endured recently I feel something, I’m just not sure how to describe it. It’s not remorse or sadness, it’s not hurt or upset-ness, it’s definitely not happiness - I don’t know how I feel but I do know I sincerely wish us all the best in our separate endeavors. Honesty, I missed just being point blank honest. I hear a lot of talk about people gaining everything they ever wanted in life and I think that's amazing. People say you don't have to choose between love and a career, you can have them both... I agree. I don't care to be one of those people - I would choose a career over finding the love of my life any day: If you had ask me to choose between the two a decade ago I probably would of chosen the latter but this is not 2009 now is it. I doubt I would of then too, my heart is not in the game if I’m being frank, so if that’s your aim...


Moving on, I think I’ve taken on more than I can handle and I need to start making some tough choices if I hope to accomplish anything at all. I haven't been devoting 100% effort into anything I do because I find myself trying to successfully achieve them all at once and it's unlike me to not exert my best. Ironically, as I’m writing this I’m coming home from an audition with a very reputable modelling and acting agency and I received a call back but I’m not sure once again how I feel. I’m not overjoyed or happy in the slightest. A part of me feels as though I didn’t deserve the call whereas another part of me just feels unbothered - which is very strange since this is a magnificent opportunity and something that could really open the doors I want to open (*WANT* I feel as though I should take heed of that choice of word), not to mention I’ve been in this new country less than a week and I’ve already accomplish something this massive. But I'm guessing I'm just dwelling on the fact that I could have done a lot better than I did at the audition. On another note, I put more energy into these blog posts than I do my other creative platforms and that’s worrying because this is at the bottom of my lists of current interests and fascinations to contribute my energy and efforts towards developing but yet here I am. The progress on my collection of poems has taken a left turn down stagnant lane. The music is still awaiting off-paper permission and the acting, well there’s been no practice due to my job hunt and daily activities taking priority. I feel like I’m one role seeking another role at this point - not even a person just striving to make greatness his reality. That’s just sad but unfortunately I don’t feel sad about it.

It’s weird I spoke to someone awhile back and they expressed that they love this blog because it’s as though I’m speaking to myself and I’m glad they had came to that conclusion and expressed it to me because that analysis meant a lot. As a writer if your words can make people capture your intentions without you literally saying it then you just created magic baby. Whenever I write these pieces (any form of writing whether poem, music, etc) I just give my fingertips permission to wriiiite, sometimes my mind is absent in that moment - completely blank, and in the end I hope that my soul has expressed what it really wants me to acknowledge, feel or respond to. After reading this very blog post for the sixtieth time it's safe to say  I've got detachment issues and I know I need to focus on connecting not so specifically with people but my emotions. I don’t think I’ve truly been hurt in a very very very long time and as sad as it sounds I miss the feeling, so for now I’ll take these pathetic light jabs life enjoys throwing, until I’m ready to fight back. For now I just want to bleed, stare at this outpour, sit here and cross my fingers that I'll feel something in the process. But regardless I know staying down is not my destiny so CHEERS to the blood, sweat and tears that will come and toast to the successes that will follow. It’s time to work on honesty folks! What do you need to work on the most?

Here's a drink and a suitcase filled with well wishes for the road... BYE!

I recently left a job I had been working for what felt like a lifetime and I must say I feel relieved. I recently started to share my work with the public and I must say I feel alright about it. I recently decided it was time to pack my bag and do what was meant to be done a year ago and to be honest I found myself conflicted.

In regards to the job, in the end I learned I needed to work in that environment in order to get the mentality I have now. In my time spent there I learned the art of being reserved and not being highly opinionated or better yet when to argue my point and when not too. Also, I learned the art of prioritising but most importantly I learned the specifics I will never want to endure again. Can you tell how coy I'm being in my approach right now - that's because the job also taught me not to burn bridges too quickly hahaha something I enjoyed a little too much growing up. All in all I met some wonderful people and I strongly hope like myself they do exactly what the title of that racist horror film directed by Jordan Peele instructed! It took some time but I finally understood that an organisation will always be selfish - you're replaceable and underappreciated no matter how celebrated you are or how much work you contribute. Therefore, You need to start focusing on yourself and getting the most out of what you have to offer as an individual. Think of yourself as an organisation (please know I use that sentence very loosely). I simply mean understand business is business and anyone who is not in favour of your direction then do not feel remorseful about cutting them off, wishing them well and continuing to create your vision. YOUR HAPPINESS, SUCCESS OR GROWTH should not be put on the back burner.

Sharing my hobbies/work publicly and turning it into a possible career path has been something I'm not over the moon about but I do feel has to be done. I always said a lot of people hindered themselves from being GREAT by being the primary obstacle on their own path and I would hate to know I did that cometh the inevitable fool we called DEATH. If you want to pursue anything in this life you have to know it starts with an application. When I say that I'm not necessarily talking about an application form, I'm talking about APPLYING YOURSELF - putting forth some degree of effort to get to where you see yourself later down the line in this mysterious intangible wonder we like to call life. I say BE YOU, speak openly about your truth and let the pieces fall where they may. Don't stop yourself from being an inspiration in a world in dire need of inspiration.

Last but not least the new journey ahead... All I will say is we must do what we must do for the reasons we feel we should but always keep in mind if you don't look after number 1 then you're of no use to others. Believe it or not building your story is the only full time job you'll ever have in this life don't let those accumulated shifts of 50 hours per week make you think otherwise. Though it may not pay off in bags of notes, it pays off in more ways than you can ever fathom and that's why there's no greater satisfaction than to work on being the best version of yourself you can possibly be. AIM HIGH - REALLY HIGH! What I've learned is everything can be taught and adapted in this world so find your passion or interests, open your mind to challenges and aim to learn the most before trying to be the best. No harm in failing as long as you pick yourself up and TRY AGAIN! I feel as though we're overlooking the fact that as humans we can only "TRY" : we can only try to make the most out of the cards we've been dealt, *I feel like I said this already in a past post - déjà vu must be on a rampage my child hahahaa*.

Ps. To the lovely soul (you're the best) who asked me why give your all and exert all this effort only for life to then serve you less than what you set out to accomplish, all I can say is if you didn't exert any effort for anything then all you'd be able to say is that you accomplished NOTHING! Where's the fun in that? Hell, we probably would not have gotten to know each other so well and I may not have been this proud and absolutely overjoyed by the doors you're opening! Keep going because life has got awesome things in store for you, just remember be joyous of every accomplishment no matter how small they may be because we all had to start off small (to quote the GODS of PHILOSOPHY, "you have to learn to walk before you can run, much less CLIMB to your envisioned heights")! And like I said you never exit a situation without learning something beneficial - take comfort in that. 

I TRULY APPRECIATE ALL THE KIND WORDS YOU'VE THROWN MY WAY AND THE CONTRIBUTION YOU'VE MADE TO MY GROWTH THUS FAR - I CAN ONLY REPAY YOU BY CONTINUING TO WRITE AS YOU STRONGLY REQUESTED HAHAAAHA SO I HOPE YOU ENJOY WHAT'S YET TO COME! THANK YOU AND I LOOK FORWARD TO MORE WONDERFUL CATCH UPS.

Will this last forever or is there hope?

I recently met up with a few ex colleagues of mines for a catch up to discuss the past, present and future as us humans tend to do after a degree of separation. The gathering was joyous and that palpable feeling of genuineness led to a wonderful farewell or better yet an authentic see you soon. Now somewhere between alcoholic consumption and of course professing my undying love for cheese as I scoffed down a very cheeeeeesy pasta platter my mind drifted off to the land of "soons". I started to realised that SOON our lives will not be tied to this area, SOON we will all have left the job, SOON we might not even remember this moment or better yet it would be a memory being shared 5 years from now when we reunite once more. This tiny moment of escapism probably lasted only 10 seconds in reality but in my mind I felt like Scrooge being escorted through time for almost 4 hours. I saw how much we had all changed in the short time we had gotten to know each other. Then everything flashed forward years later and I was seated around a fancy table once more, surrounded by aged faces but a lot of great elements being endured now, still exist: the same adorable laughter, crazy joy and a sense of genuine appreciation for each other's journey; and a sense of mutual respect; and mutual understanding; also in a strange way love. It felt like deja vu. During the course of our goodbye it felt as though a selected few wish we would maintain this relationship forever. Then I had to ask myself what does forever truly mean because the fact that I was a part of this wonderful moment means it'll forever be in my heart and more importantly my history and that's more than enough for me. But given the chance who wouldn't like the opportunity to relive a spectacular moment in the presence of great company over and over again especially in a life filled with so much misery.

I think a part of me forgot how adamant I always felt about treating every moment as though they could never be replicated because the truth about is IT CAN NEVER BE REPLICATED. I will never be leaving this job again, and even if I do for whatever reason it will never be the same faces and personalities being left behind, hell this lovely restaurant we're dining in for example might not be here 2 years from now. It begs the question are we truly LIVING in every moment or are we hoping by some sheer miracle this moment would bless our eyesights again and we can have a second shot at a joke or two that was overlooked? Are we living for the now or dwelling on forevers is the question? Should we be hoping for soons or making sure that everything is said and done in this very moment? Can we accept that the past has passed and we can only try to make things better not change what's already been written?

I guess all I'm saying is the next time you're in the midst of laghter or drowning in the abyss of sadness appreciate you're able to feel and understand you have the power to choose how you react. And somewhere between your third or sixth glass of your favourite red or white appreciate that you're able to taste. Just start to appreciate! See the one thing I have learned from this little erratic complicated bastard we call life is that whether you've been dragged beyond the incomprehensible borders of heartbreak or find yourself wandering the beautiful land of euphoria there's always a lesson to learn. I find that the lesson usually is "you don't get to choose what affects you but you do get to choose how to react which means you have a modicum of control over your growth as an individual", APPRECIATE THAT!!!

Forget beauty, "hope" lies in the eyes of the beholder. Whenever you're faced with the bad ask yourself will this last forever... If your answer is yes then asked yourself have I always felt like this... I can say with 100% certainty there's no way you can say yes to that last question, so if your answer is no then all you have to know is that if things changed for the worse then it can certainly change for the better. But if you said YES to that question then in the words of Harvey Milk (BLOODY LEGEND) “THERE IS HOPE FOR A BETTER WORLD, HOPE FOR A BETTER TOMORROW”, so start believing! And to all those people that sees a fellow neighbour suffering, don’t ignore them because we all need each other if we’re going to create “a better tomorrow”.

Ps. To the soul that asked me last week given the chance would I like to see where I am 5 years from now - the answer is no because making the most of every second right now matters far more than where I will be 5 years from now; also, why would I want to jeopardise my strong will to hope *wink*! CHEERS TO A BETTER TOMORROW GOOD FOLKS!!! KEEP HOPING AND HELPING!!!