A literal train of thoughts

Sometimes at night when the entire world goes silent and sleep is nowhere in sight I sit and ponder, mostly on the trivial things : the clothes I'm rocking in bed as I write this, should I change my toothpaste brand or better yet my toothbrush, am I inspired to write another blog post - it's the little things. I hope you see my conundrum with the latter because once that question has been asked, the floodgates then opens to several others, such as am I inspired to write, what should I write about, do I have a pen, pencil or paper close by or can I actually be bothered to go through the hassle of opening a computer. Ohhh god I just gave you a little sneak peak into the mind of a writer... You're most welcome! But on a more serious note it's the little things that tend to spark a lightbulb and motivate my fingertips to tap away. Somewhere between questioning my common taste in toothpaste brands and weighing the likelihood of becoming the first Black actor to play James Bond, I wondered about my health and my lifestyle choices. I ask myself, did I mean the things I said in regards to making healthier lifestyle choices or am I waiting for a health scare, can I force myself to be motivated prior to being in dire need. I tend to wonder why I'm still complaining about reverting to this "I'll start tomorrow" mentality and not making the most of my current situation when I'm not currently doing the absolute most to change my mindset/approach. I also tend to wonder if I'm writing enough haha, I can't afford for my pen to go hungry, he acts very differently if I don't attend to his appetite rather quickly hahaa.

Anyway back to the nightly tales. While I'm in bed most nights I can hear the sound of trains speeding by in the distance and it dawned on me I've actually lived in a lot of houses that has provided the same experience and it's never occurred to me how little I gave a fuck. I'm not really referring so much to the noise but of the lives of people in transit. I was once this kid that loved to roam (especially late at night) and I really enjoyed a train journey, especially the awkwardly silent ones in London, it gave me time to contemplate on my life, formulate strategies to success and simply focus on my art, so the lives of my fellow travellers was a far thought from my mind. I became a transit writer at one point in my life - the trains just brought so much inspiration to my bones. I feel public transport gives us all a different outlook on things, really makes us differentiate what type of character we are from what type of character we think we are. For example, are you the type that crave socializing or are you more focused on simply getting from point A to B without disturbances, are you claustrophobic, can you handle crowds; and can you cope under peak time pressures; and are you generous to beggars; and are you kind enough to squash yourself to fit at least one more individual onboard; and are you succeptible to the unconscious invasive influences of ad trafficking; and are you willing to help others in a crisis or do you prefer to stand there videoing their distress; will you give your seat up for someone in need... It all begs the question who are you really? Like I said before, it's the little things.

I bring this up because our characters and decisions are shaped by the simpliest of moments, despite how minute that moment seem. I realised all this simply by hearing a train passed by but tomorrow I may hear one and make a decision never to live in close proximity of one ever again because I've exceeded their need for inspiration and now they're simply a source of irritating white noise. Who knows. It's strange how life works isn't it? There's so much you can't control but there's so much to learn about yourself in everything going on around you and in every experience you endure. I guess I brought this up to say mindfulness is key to growth. If you find out that you fail to reflect the character you thought you are or hoped you'd be by now then it's ok. You just have to remain mindful that change and growth work on their own accord and comes at the RIGHT TIME, they may not adhere to the stopwatch you set for them. Obvious right? But I guess we just get carried away in the furious waves of "I want it now, NOW!" we seem to overlook the obvious. I think it helps to remember the universe has taken you this far for a reason, you must have some effect on what's yet to come, so why not remain positive, hopeful and explore all the doors that opens along the way whether you intended for them to open or not and enjoy the silly little things such as the loud screech of a halting trains, or the sight of a map, or a glass of wine along the way, they will remind you you're alive and so are your senses, so indulge! You never know, the sound of a train might spark a new profession, the sight of a map might spark a travelling frenzy and a glass of wine may lead to you wanting to become a wine connoisseur. Real difference seldom stems from doing the absolute basic things like focusing on work or spending time with great friends after a bad break up and when you least expect it waalah - CHANGE appears! Just remember to enjoy the little perks of life while trying to grant yourself the more extravagant things it has to offer because moments and opportunities tend to pass rather quickly.

Great SEXpectations

Life grants some of us the pleasure of finding someone that blows us away in more ways than we can count. The first few interactions (dates or not) between you both feels fresh, hopeful and destined, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, not verbatim may I add, it's as though your "personalities are having the best throwdown you've ever experienced" - every conversation seems like foreplay but before the threshold of forever or any mention of till death do us part can be uttered, carnal expectations must be met. Which brings us to the realm of great sexpectations: if the chemistry between y'all are fantastic in every locations outside the bedroom then you would expect even the matress to be WOW-ed but what if that is not the case. I guess the question I'm asking is what if every box has been perfectly ticked but the sexual energy is so cold it fails in comparison to the heat of your smokin' fantasies, do you immediately throw in the towel or fight for sweat, fire and screams!

A lot of folks would conclude the
chase for that "va va voom ectasy high" should matter less as you progress in age. I keep hearing Wendy William's voice gladly professing young people should not settle for bad sex, kick your other half to the curve, but I don't think this should be decided on the basis of age especially if you're monogamous and have been for some time. In my opinion, that's saying it's ok for people above a certain age to settle for bad, sad sex (hahha) because they should feel too old to chase butterflies again or simply feel a forced sense of "contentment" in the sexual department as long as fulfilment is reached emotionally. HELL NO! I think as humans we have become accustomed to "waiting for the other shoe to drop" because we're so sure that perfection doesn't exist, we're forgetting that we can work towards acheiving perfection or at least as close to it as possible. SETTLING SHOULD NEVER BE THE CASE. YOU CAN ALWAYS WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE SURE FULFILMENT IS MET IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE BY DISCUSSING THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. DISCUSS! If you're uncomfortable by the thought of having this conversation then use that miserable and unsatisfied feeling that stems from your recent  "crappy sex ride", to feul you into a confession because change is needed! If this is someone you want around for a long time then I say train a fool to get it right "your style". Even confess some hidden naughty kinks to see what may or may not manifest - ain't a thing to be ashamed of, you're just expressing what you like.

Listen, if the relationship takes a turn for the worst after this conversation then you dogded several bullets by heading for the exit because if this person isn't capable of sticking out small battles such as this one then how can your partnership survive the sickening trials ahead. Look on the bright side, on one hand, you helped brought realization to another individual and you gave yourself peace of mind knowing you didn't throw in the towel easily - you tried! Now go out there and FIND SOME MIND BLOWING HIT THE SPOT, TOE CURLING, "YES YES YES!" SEX, cause let's face it after all the bad experiences you've suffered YOU DESERVE IT! Not to mention in a life like this, we all need a damn great release from time to time or at least one to reflect on in this life!

Almost forgot, if you're the one on the recieving end of this unpleasant conversation, put your ego aside and listen, take notes and respond favourably. At the end of the day sex is about mutual pleasure, if you're being given tips, then you're not being rejected just being probed for upgrade - SO UPGRADE, you may be very very pleasantly surprised by the outcome. And guys don't be scared to express this to your lady, they do it to us guys all the time - we all got needs.

I MADE IT!

A decade ago I prophecied that this past year was going to be tumultuous and consequently it would draw me closer to god - I'm pleased to say that's not the case. Let's just say myself and god need to remain at a safe distance. Anyway, where I'm from we take prophecies and signs very seriously so despite the moves I made this year and my efforts to stay positive, I was always waiting for the bridges I was building to collapse. A lot of things had transpired since last September and to be honest I've faced more struggles than I care to share. I'm still trying to forgive myself for a lot of choices I've made but who am I kidding I'd make the same ones again given the chance. I'm still hurting myself in the most unseen obscene ways but that's my journey to endure and my fight to win, I'll get there. For now I'm learning to slowly leave those internal scars to heal while also learning to give myself a fighting chance in the process. I sacrificed more than I can ever put into words and anyone who ended up being collateral over the past couple of years, I honestly don't have it in me to pretend to be sad, no one is more glad to lay on the bed of mess they've made more than I am. Trust me though, by hurting you or creating whatever vibes between us, I put you first, you're just not able to see it yet, but all in due time. Anyway enough about y'all.

I been reflecting on so much lately: it feels like 5 minutes ago I was this kid stuck in the rottening left liver of my ghetto in Jamaica watching these country white kids in Dawson's Creek, knowing I didn't belong in either settings, but seeking their experiences and level of intelligence whilst feeling like I was an outcast in my community to then be adopted by English streets only to feel even more lost yet strangely fulfilled and then years later being granted the privilege of leaving my footsteps on the land of the free... Ironically nothing is free. I been working myself to the bone and I can't tell you how it makes me feel 'cause I'm not sure I feel anything. I just see green lights. On another note, It's been weird taking necessary steps to get my talents some notoriety but I'm enjoying the journey thus far. Like I said all I see is green lights so I don't stop to strategize or think, I just distribute. Maybe I'll pause and switch up my approach, time will tell. For now I feel good knowing I was doing a little more than I was last year. The other day I heard this voice passing through the wind, it told me this blog will be a success, I guess time will tell about that prophecy too.

I am writing this to say I'm trying to do so much with the life I've been given and the time I have left and I suggest you do the same. I made it to a point I know who I am in this moment and maybe tomorrow something will change but as humans we subconsciously seek that need to find one's self so in this moment I'll revel in the joy of knowing I know who Akil is 'for now'. I find more and more life keeps granting me opportunities I think are outside my capabilities or I feel unready for but I deserve it. (This is what I want you to be aware of) if an opportunity has been given to you then you've earned it in some way, shape or form SO MAKE THE MOST OF IT. This is not about proving you're worthy but simply making sure that when you look back on this moment in time you can say I GAVE IT MY BEST and teust I will give it my best!

Right now I can honestly say I don't care about the definition of 'happy' or the feeling itself because I think it's more rare than people think to genuinely feel it, but joy, joy is a girl I know very well. We seem to have a friends with benefit type of thing going on so she comes and goes as she pleases but in this moment I can say she's here and we're about to have one hell of a time. Today is my birthday and I'm just glad I made it through another challenging f**king year a damn conqueror. Cheers to f**king up this new year of mines and may I crush every mutherf**king obstacle that steps in my way!

Tonight I'll cry

I found myself on the floor crying the other night, ever since then the waterworks just won't stop. I know the reason behind it and that's made it harder to turn this tap action I got going on off. I've been getting days off recently, and that's played a huge part in this mess I've become. Turns out when you're busy working all you think about is work and the things you're working towards achieving or trying to financially cover, so when the moment arrives in which you finally have some free time on your hands your brain switches to reflective mode. And as my eyes have gladly shown I've been thinking about far too much. I sat on my doorsteps last night at 3am and I noticed something I haven't in a long while. I always thought fondly of darkness, like I belonged to him and  my melanin just made it easier to roll unseen in his presence. As a kid, I constantly gazed out into the dark and as I grew older I would walk the darkest of streets with my headphones blaring tunes on the highest volume. I always felt like I knew who I was when surrounded by it and I'll forever be comfortable in the solitude and serenity it brung - ALWAYS. There's was something indescribable about the feeling of having my earphones blocking all the noises out, the streets seemed boundless and filled with possibilities... But over the last couple of years I've realized nights feel a little brighter each time I see them and my music seem to get a little lower no matter how high I turn her volume up and these streets they seem so small, action-packed and filled with directions, no guesswork anymore... Ironically, I feel so lost.

I keep remembering a poem I wrote awhile back for this blog called 'Solitude's companion', that boy was something else. I admired him: his courage, drive; and cluelessness; and independence; and lack of care, spoke volumes. He was absolutely clueless but extremely smart and care free. Where did he go? How did he become this guy? There's a song I find myself listening to a lot over the years especially as I write, I'm actually listening to it as I type this right now (Angel Haze - Dark places), in it she said she's "trying live her days without too many nights" - I always thought that sentence was so powerful. Sadly I'm the opposite. I'm that kid that use to find the darkest corner of a dark room, turn the music up and find joy in the darkest quarters of my mind, sadly it was where I felt my most comfortable. I can't seem to find that place anymore. That's probably a good thing right? I think god answered my mom's prayers haha. I try not to crave that feeling nor my desire to return to that 'safe place' because I fear what the universe might have to make unfold just to get me back there. I feel now. I truly feel! Believe it or not that's strange for me. I stopped caring about life a very long time ago but over the course of the past 7 years life has opened more doors than I ever intended and I finally realize not only how blessed I am but how much I have to lose. I don't want to lose!

I think I've beaten myself up enough for my past digressions. I'm learning to stop the angelic battle taking place between the presences on my right shoulder and the ones on my left. I grew up being taught to do whatever the fuck I got to in order to get what I want and I can't apologize for that, I'm not even sure I want to change my mindset. In my defence I've taught myself to play as nice as I possibly can while trying to secure the things I seek so hopefully that counts for something. You want to know the saddest thing about this person? [That was rhetorical by the way]. I haven't felt like Akil in a very long time. For the longest time I've felt like an actor that's been given the story of a good guy that's going to achieve greatness but somewhere along the line I started improvising to beef his story up and my actual character started to overlapping with his and suddenly I've blurred his truth. And here we are. It's like a bad actor, writer and director tag teamed his script and set out to tell more than the truth but somewhere along the line everything became as fucked up as their skills and expertise. But you as the audience will never truly know the truth right, just the story that's told. I don't even think I remember the original script, I guess I'm just hoping the kid still accomplishes greatness because I royally fucked his story up.

Anyway, tonight I'll cry, tomorrow I'll get up and pretend these tears aren't still flowing. And then tomorrow night I guess we'll see if this tap wants to give a brother a break. I've done this routine enough time, this should be a piece of cake. You wanna know what's truly sad... Four paragraph later and I still haven't grazed the gist of why these eyeballs are so expressive... They don't call me Mr Secretive for nothing. I guess it's the Virgo in me. Until next time kids, all the best.

Hi, my name is Akil and I'm a...

My dad was an addict. Where I'm from his vice was a pretty common one amongst men so I was one of many kids that came second, third or whatever I was ranked to an unexplainable desire. Though, I knew I was one of many, I always felt like I was an exception because I acknowledged how his addiction was slowly eroding the foundation of our family and really took heed of the consequences he faced from a very, very young age.

When I was 7, I endured a lot and within the course of 3 years, I truly came to the realization that in this world we live in, you can only depend on yourself to be your confidant, your backbone and the only pure source of truth. This drove me to make a lot of firm decisions - promises I vowed never to break. I was eight when I promised myself to never be an addict like my father. I told myself I would never allow myself to be addicted to anything in this world and if I had a family of my own one day, I would guarantee no desire overpowers my love for them and they'll never feel an ounce of neglect. Over the years I've made sure that's the case: once upon a time I was writing music everyday and I decided to stop writing for a year and when the time had came to restart, I chose to continue my drought to prove I was not addicted to it. If you know me to some degree, you know I have an unhealthy obsession with cheese, so when I chose to give it up for a year awhile back you could imagine everyone's shock. But the need to show myself it was an urge I could control overridden the love I had for it. I remember in the midst of my challenge I caught myself deep diving in a bag of quavers and after a whole lot of profanity my challenge rebooted, because a year without my little diary buddies was the plan and nothing or noone was going to change that. Unfortunately, due to spending a lot of time focusing on minor factors such as these, I overlooked the enormous fight that was brewing under my nose as a result of a few terrible choices. Sadly, I have a vice now... A part of me is glad to know it's not the same one as my dad but in the end you find that a vice is still a vice and an addict is still...

Despite the evident friction that existed between myself and my dad, I always felt the need to excuse his actions in my head. In his eyes I seldom saw the look of love for his family, and in the same breath I could see the overwhelming sense of remorse and self-contempt he was battling with due to the pain he had inflicted upon us but he still made the effortless decision to go back out in the world yet again for his fix. Little did I know this decision wasn't effortless at all. I remember there was a moment, I was 8 or 9 and I realised he was really trying to fight his desires but he was so powerless, and it was just of no avail. It made me see him in another light. A good dad was not only his shell but a title he was fighting to live up too everyday and what a battle it was. I always thought it must be hard, having to fight everyday, especially when you're constantly surrounded by your "weakness" and it's a common manner in which your gender bonds. But I underestimated how much of a fight it was! It didn't dawn on me in the slightest how many times the thought of pursuing his fix had crossed his mind in a minute, nor the time or energy spent in pursue or indulgence, the constant influences, the disgust he must have felt after his high had ended, nor how vaguely he remembers the feeling of disappointment when the need to chase that high once more creeps up on his bones. I keep picturing those closest to me and how hurt they would be by my actions if things were to worsen, just like I was, with my dad. I remember as a kid I thought hurting those around you was the worst or better yet most selfish thing an addict could ever do but I learned eventually that's definitely not the case. The worst part is fully comprehending how much you're hurting yourself, and the extent of how bad things could get (especially if you're enduring a relapse), but strongly feeling like the you, that fool with the need for this "high" is a giant compare to the meek, determined comrade of a shell fighting in your corner. Having to battle with that feeling of helplessness, need for control and self-love while coiled up in the tight chokehold of despair is hard! And as the old saying goes if you can't help yourself how can you help those around you. It's difficult trying to convey this to someone that will never truly understand because even if they walk the same lines, they haven't walked in your shoes. 

One of the lessons I've learned is that it does feel like a losing game or at least a waiting one. You feel as though once the door has been opened and this battle has left its muddy footprints on what use to be the clean carpets of your history, then it's an eternal fight to put a stop to the string of bad before this carpet turns into quicksand. You find yourself persistently trying to make it back to the starting line to recover and gain a semblance of control once more, but - sometimes hope is all you got and need my friend. Maybe it's time to realize the starting mark is no longer where you belong, this is where you are right now and this day marks a clean slate or as "clean" as you can possibly make it. It's o.k to say your hands are tainted and that you've been through a lot and still experiencing a lot. It's o.k to admit you need help and SEEK HELP. It's o.k to breakdown, apologise, and SPEAK about it and it's o.k to admit you're not o.k but you're trying to be. One day at a time, that's the motto.

I don't quite know how to end this... We all have our demons and no matter how dark our days may seem - remember they are 'days', therefore light exist, seek it! Maybe then the fight won't seem so dark, cold and as though it'll be a big loss eventually regardless of your efforts. Focus on navigating your way to where you hope to be. You know what's ironic, when I was younger and I started making promises to myself, I promised never to break a promise... It's funny how things and people change... We can only try to be better and cope with the changes that stem from our decisions - don't beat yourself to a pulp. I heard yesterday a lot of us give up on ourselves too easily but as long as we're alive there's still time on the clock, you can make it through all four quarters - KEEP GOING! I hope there's a young kid preferably a boy reading this right now and I made you understand that your mom or dad doesn't love their vice more than they do you, they're just enduring more than you're able to fathom and they are aware that they're a chip on your shoulder but their goal is to avoid turning that chip into a boulder and they're fighting hard to be less of a burden or disappointment. The hurt is not intentional - TRUST, that I can promise. Forgive and support a positive change in any way you can. I didn't show my father much love in this regard but maybe you can break the cycle.

Akil, meet Akil

So I found myself having this odd magnetic pull towards a certain individual I met lately and I could not figure out the reasoning behind such a rash desire towards a stranger I've barely exchanged... I've always said if you feel as though the universe is steering you towards a lesson or realization, then follow the scent of those emotions Columbo and see where it leads rather than running in the opposite direction only to still stumble upon the same challenge wearing a different face 2-5 years later. DON'T WASTE YOUR GOLDEN YEARS MAKING A FULL CIRCLE, SAVE YOURSELF THE TIME HONEY AND CONSUME AS MUCH WISDOM AS YOU CAN RIGHT NOW! Anyway, I told this gentleman I need to pinpoint the locus of my attraction and a date should do the trick: within a matter of days, that yellow tape surrounding that depressing, fragile house built of sticks and straws we refer to as dating was cut and I had crossed the threshold back into that world once more. On a positive note, the date went well, however the results of my intended test was anticlimatic and I was still stumped upon arriving home as to why I was so drawn to him.

Sidenote: I have recently been sentenced to performing what I hope is a temporary but can conclude, very sad AM routine (as a consequence of playing mediator in an ongoing battle between Hypnos and my very determined inner insomniac, to help find an healthy medium). This routine involves waking up after 1-3hours sleep in the early AM and cleaning to my heart's content as I painfully wish sleep remembers I am still in dire need of possession. I digress... the following day after this date of mines, I found myself embarking upon my tedious AM routine and in the midst of me taking out the trash, I was suddenly attacked by this sudden gush of cold air, and right there, rocking my helpless tank top, sitting on the steps of my front porch being cuddled by summer's charade-ish efforts to mimic winter a revelation slapped me in the face. Within minutes I was standing on the mental train (Haye route) down memory lane, each stop was a year filled with shortcomings and before I knew it the rueful expression stemmed from flashbacks of 2010 slowly turned into a puzzling smile as I made my way into the new scenery of 2019 and there I was face to face with the young man from my recent date, sitting around a table, trying to politely gorge down a chessy entreè and admiring my mediocre efforts to stretch a bottle of wine into lasting 3 courses. Suddenly his face became distorted and in a miserable attempt to gain focus, I intentionally look away in the hopes that once my attention reaches his eyes once more, clarity would kindly follow. But as I raised my head, there it was ladies and gentlemen - CLARITY! I was no longer dining with this stranger, instead I was face to face with myself!

It took the hardness of my dirty steps and shivering in the facade reenactment of my favourite season, not the comfort of joyful dining leather chairs, nor the warmth of a cute stranger to finally get a slap in the face from the universe. (Sidenote: may I add this is in no way me saying you don't have to drift further than 2cm from your home to gain clarity - bitch get off your couch and make tge most of your life! If there's anything you should take away from this story, it's that a seal was broken and because of my desire to pursue, I've now open the door to the dating realm once again - can't do that just lazying about now - can you sugar!?!?!) ANYWAY BACK TO THE TALE OF THE HOPELESS YET SUCCESSFUL YOUNG MAN MENTIONED IN THE TITLE!

See lately or maybe for quite a while now, I have been questioning the degree of proudness I have for the individual's soul I've held captive till death do us part. Has he been smart in his decision making skills? Has he learned from the pain, joy and hard work that has been inflicted upon him? Is he hidding a modicum of bitterness for the way life has turned out? And the questions continue. See this boy I dated is not the me I know now, he's more like a sympathetic yet brave and candid hybrid of my past and my future (at least a version of my future self that would've came to be if I had taken the high road rather than making a lot of alleyway decisions to get what I desired. In a strange way I saw the pros and cons of my character through this guy. I knew if I hadn't kicked what he's enduring now in the butt centuries ago or even stayed on a path I deserted a lifetime ago then no doubt I would be dealing with my personality twin. Despite how better off he may have seemed compared to myself  I can safely say I didn't envy him in the slightest. Sitting there on my steps I could only smile in glee for the growth I've since made, for I feel as though I'm a better man in spite of these so called "mistakes" or for a lack of a better word, "choices" I've made. He's in a place I've long excelled from and I wish him luck on his journey to recovery just like I did the man in the mirror.

To make a very long story short not many of us get to see a glimpse of who we would've possibly become had we not had made the "mistakes", choices or decisions we've made but no sadness should exist due to this, for you still have the power to determine or change how you feel about yourself. If you're not proud of you... Then start finding ways to be. I advise you start by doing what you love, especially the simple things e.g. read more, dance, write, sing, teach, motivate, attend events you never thought you would and while you're at it learn how to say NO to things that makes you unhappy. Because as Akil once said Rosa Parks made us aware of the most powerful word in the dictionary - NO - and in it lies more power, change and self love than you will ever truly grasp. And talking about self love I strongly advise you simply give yourself at least one compliment a day because as anyone who knows Akil can tell you I may be the "King of Sloth" but I'm also the "King of Self love" baby. See what I did there haha.

King of SLOTH

I have been meaning to write this for awhile now - I admit laziness is the reason I haven't. I've been noticing a lot more unfavourable qualities lately within this character of mine and it's been a trip trying to wrap my head around them. I waste a lot of time trying to work out if they always existed and I was just blind to their presence, or if I've simply been ignoring them, sweeping them under this already dusty and over used carpet infamous for covering my transgressions, or have they been laying dormant awaiting the right time to emerge forcing me to work on my so called growth. GROWTH is the bitch I've been having a lot of issues with lately. I feel like everytime I've leapt over a hurdle instead of being faced with another completely different one I'm thrown back to the start line to re-jump the same one masked in a new colour of paint. Maybe I'm just being mindfucked.

Let's talk about my recent encounter with this haunting deadly sin... I started working two jobs after my move to the country known for harnessing more drama than reality TV and for making dreams a reality, I seem to have turned this blessing into an excuse to avoid doing a lot of things. I've forcibly acknowledged my wonderful efforts to persistently do absolutely everything last minute. Now this is a trait I'm very familiar with because those stripes have never changed, but it just feels as though it is now in full effect. For example, two days ago I worked until 11pm and I was due to start again the following day at 4pm I refuse to leave the bed till 3pm unless I'm needed at my other job and the excuse I'm tired kept presenting itself when in all honesty I'm far from it. See I seem to think the problem lies within the small things like doing absolutely nothing for the majority of my day or referring to the ideals of exhaustion because of working a million consecutive days in a row but it's not. The real issue lies within my persistent need to use work (jobs I actually don't intend on keeping) to hinder me from taking care of business I actually need to carry out. At the start of the year, I faced a crisis, I remember feeling so unfulfilled and lacking in productivity despite working 7 days a week and it was purely because I was not pursuing anything I was passionate about... I feel as though history is repeating itself.

I have so many things that NEEDS to be done, so many goals and desires to pursue and for the life of me I can't seem to pinpoint why I'm preventing myself from stepping into the kitchen. I'm made of heat - this should be a piece of cake. But it begs the question have I lost my fire. I keep thinking about this blog and when I rebooted it - I wrote strangers in the new, there was such passion, this eternal flame that no amount of doubt could put out so why did I allow myself to act as an eclipse. I'm not doing anything I really desire - acting is on hold because of my excuses or lack of exertion; my approach to writing music has drastically changed and I think that's a battle within itself; and I haven't done a thing about kick starting my podcast after gathering my equipment on numerous accounts I've proceeded to no avail. It's strange because my brother and I have this motto - JUST DO IT (some would say we stole it from Nike and put it to good use), yet I fail to live up to it in these testing times. On another note shout out to my brother, he is doing some incredible thing and he has some wonderful material for you to delve spirit-deep into, find him on http://mohasan.net and also on his instagram page at Mo Hasan 92 - HE DELIVERS WHAT THE SOUL ORDERS, you will truly get a worthy serving!

Now this message is for you Akil... See this post as an intervention. This message contains love and motivation deriving from the soul of several people who wants you to succeed. All the sacrifices you've made, sweat and tears you can account for has brought you to this point. And no one knows how much effort you've placed into trying to excel beyond what life has granted you so listen to me, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS GLUM PLACE YOU FIND YOURSELF IN AND GET BACK TO REALLY WORKING TOWARDS WHAT YOU WANT! YOU DESERVE THE BEST SO PURSUE TO ACHIEVE THAT AND BEYOND! AND START TO WORK ON YOURSELF MAN - EMBRACE CHANGE LIKE YOU'RE KNOWN TO DO BUT ALSO STOMP THIS SIN TO DEATH, IT DOESN'T BELONG IN YOUR SPIRIT - JUST DO IT! WE'RE ALL HERE FOR YOU!

P.S. People if I have not been in touch with you lately,  in my defense (shout out to Iggy's sophomore album), I been so focused on getting my focus back on me, and sorting out this body of mess so it can be reinstated amongst the long line of masterpieces, that unscheduled communication hasn't felt very needed to me... I'm sorry, blame it on the laziness! Apologies to my mom and sis the most, forgive me.

We can all aid Death

The other night I was cruising down the street and I found myself staring at these train tracks a few yards away, and suddenly this eerie feel of death being on the loose flooded my spirit. I felt like death was wandering around, with absolutely no malicious intent, ironically they were just admiring life's beautiful perks. Then I wondered to myself, we all have a story right, well what's death story? Is it a he or she? Are they one omnipotent entity or multiple entities switching shifts as we do in our line of work to do the unbearable? Was this always their dream job, inherited business or have they been forced to take on this responsibility? Is this something they've been sentenced to do for eternity or in a strange way is this their attempt at penitence? Do they feel any remorse about taking lives or have they become accustomed to it like we tend to do with our daily routines, job duties and so forth? Do they remember what it was like taking their first life or their first ten lives? Did that feeling bring them joy or sorrow? Do they feel as though they desperately need a career change? Are they offended by the things us humans say about them, neglecting that this is their job and not the crazy actions of a psycho hungry for chaos or obsessed with causing grief? Do they wish to communicate and tell their story?

In a lot of the neighbourhoods I grew up in the consensus concluded death was an enemy - I always felt different, I always thought life is the enemy. How could something that starts off joyous, innocent and hopeful push you to the brink of mental instability, suicide, self loathing, etc and yet demands you still fight for its existence, presence or source, be considered good or prescious. Life fails to sound like an ally to me. I always thought death is life's alter ego, a personality that surfaces when life suffers an episode or mood swings, something along those lines. The irony of this all is this blog surrounds the idea of if life could speak but yet here we are hoping he or she would do just that. I think like life, we all started off good - that also refers to god, the devil, and death; and politians; and tyrants and so forth. But somewhere along the line free will became our greatest ally and enemy in the same breath. See when people hear the story of Adam and Eve they think the devil deserved the blame, some like me even blame god for taking a break from their babysitting duties knowing evil lingered in the vicinity, but the true evil in that story was free will, not an entity at all.

It took writing this to realise, that very night while I was out, maybe death was simply hoping to bask in the acknowledgement of their own free will. We enjoy putting a great deal of blame on the unforseen spectrums wandering around out there but fail to acknowledge that free will is our actual downfall - period. When you chose to drink and drive consequently taking a life, who's to blame? When you chose to quit your last 15 jobs at the first sign of a challenge and now you really require one but cannot seem to get an interview, who's to blame? Or the cigarettes that led to cancer, or the moment you decided to say no to protection and a STD said yes to you, or marry someone that failed to make you feel respected at every turn, or the moment you chose to cross the road without looking both ways... Who's to really blame?

It's time we start taking responsibility for our actions because death, he or she, is inevitable and as a job to do. Similarly, to all of us in society maybe death wishes their workload would remain light at least for today, and maybe like the rest of us they hope we'll simply help each other out, to make the whole "teamwork makes the dream work" concept a reality. What I mean by that is if you see a friend, co-worker, family member or whoever going down a destructive path or developing a bad habit e.g. driving without securing their seatbelt, make it evident and try to help them kick a bad habit. I'm sure death will appreciate having one less soul to collect today.

We can do better and create better by taking responsibilty and helping each other as well as death, by knowing there's no harm in throwing the "let me mind my business" mentality out the window and adapting the "let me help in the slightest" attitude. I remember reading Niyi Osudare's poem "Not my business" as a teenager and I learned if you sit back watching destruction unfold around you and you ignore its presence as it spreads because you think or feel that it's not your business to speak or act on then it will one day become your business when you least expect it. MAKE A CHANGE NOW! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!

The Miseducation Of Akil...

Due to current events I've found myself reflecting on the changes that I've endured this year and I've realised how drastic they have been. I started off the year working in an environment I definitely didn't want to be in and I got out. I moved country to be of assistance in a manner that's long overdue. I started sharing my talents with the world. I walked the unfamiliar lines of unemployment and motivated myself to really hustle again. I have become more open to expressing emotions and I've been slowly working on goals I WILL achieve by the end of the year. All this within the first half of the year - makes me excited about what the remainder of the year has to offer and really smashing my goals.

Inner growth matters greatly to me. I find that a lot of people (especially when having a friendly meet up after a long period of time)  want to hear about the material shit you've obtained or a fancy job title you now carry with pride and that's fine but if I don't feel that I've progressed physically, mentally and spiritually then I don't give a fuck about the riches I've obtained. I need internal progression to be my primary focus because at this point in my life, self growth, great health and peace of mind is what I truly seek and hope to maintain once acquired till the end of one's life.

I've been listening to couple tracks off Lauryn's Hill Miseducation album and 3 song titles really stand out: "Tell him", "Final hour" and "Lost ones". Now the thing about me is I pay too much attention to signs and interpreting various meanings. These titles are telling me that the universe wants to tell me to treat every hour as though it's my last and even if I lose one fight along the way bare in mind I'm fighting a war, there's plenty more fights ahead, so don't dwell on the past, simply learn from it with the intention to excel. So I want you to know that regardless of how much you are belittled by society or how many fights you've lost, or how many things you are dissatisfied with in your life, THINGS WILL CHANGE! However, if you want to see a specific change the effort has to be made on your end. It's sort of like working out, if you're attending the gym and doing every workout apart from abs exercises you can expect to receive a slim physique but not the abs you truly desire. No matter how much this world batters away at your image and it will (whether through ageing or the cruelty of your surroundings/upbringing), it's up to you to ensure that the person inside does not become an enemy. Train yourself mentally, physically, spiritually and so forth to be a fan of self-love and self admiration. Steer your path down roads that will make your character stronger and will shape you into the character you want to become. Ensure you become your biggest fan if you're not already!

This world has a tendency to make people feel undeserving of the very best, I hope you don't allow it to make you feel that way BECAUSE YOU ARE! It's ok to be misunderstood by many just make sure that the vessel you see in the mirror is perfectly aware of that powerful soul within and confident enough to possess and exert greatness in a humble fashion everyday. Also, ensure that when you reflect on the changes you've encountered you revel in the joy of knowing that you made those changes manifest, in turn bettering your character. Also, take note of how many situations you've overcame especially when you faced circumstances you deemed impossible to escape. If you were taught that for whatever reason (appearance, talent experience, location, history, etc) your success will be limited then you've been misinformed, YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING with practice and logic... MAKE IT HAPPEN, don't let MISEDUCATION triump. YOU'RE GREATNESS PERSONIFIED - PERIOD!

Dear whomever, forgive me for I have sinned!

I've been having a lot of flashbacks lately. Well to be fair I've been having them for awhile now they've just became more frequent lately - within the last month to be specific. Whenever eerie shit like this starts to happen I always ask why. Who wouldn't? Whenever you see flashbacks in the movies there's always some colossal shit storm conclusion coming and to be honest I don't have time for a storm, some quiet would be nice. I know my recent change in living conditions has triggered this sudden flood of reminiscence, and subconscious desire to value memory while working on my mental wellbeing but this seems like overkill. My concern is the cosmic lesson or endgame these flashbacks are leading too. The thing is these flashbacks have opened so many doors to things I honestly forgot and now my mind is playing the "analyze and blame your self" game and I really don't give a rat's ass about indulging in this mindf**king experience, I don't even want to write this post I'm just hoping some clarity f**king strikes so I can stop this bloodsport between my past and my present. I'm trying hard to use the polite side of my tongue but right now I sense a lot of F**K F**K F**K emerging in this post.

So many things were forgotten, I just don't get the purpose of this bulls**t time capsule action taking place now. If only life could speak...

I had this moment earlier, I had finished washing the dishes and as I was wiping the countertops I paused, frozen, and I had a flashback. When I was seven something happened and I began seeing the bad in people and I remember mentally starting my list of "nevers": it was a list of things I'll never do, or allow to happen, situations I'll never be in and so forth. Let's just say the past three years made that lifelong list seem like a joke. So much had happened and I guessed I failed to acknowledge or consider the consequences that will stem from my decisions. I can't even justify my actions because they were "nevers" for a reason. I wish I could say I felt ashamed or disappointed in the slightest but I don't, though I feel like I should be. Since the year as started I've been feeling this sense of worry creeping up and I can admit I've tried my best to ignore it. But I'm worried! I've been avoiding doing two things lately (one of which relates to a matter that kickstarted the list) and I can't seem to pull myself together to do what needs to be done. I've been telling myself for a very long time that I've been fighting many battles but I've failed to nitice my efforts may have been an illusion. Deep down I probably feel I've lost the war but I'm too scared to admit it and lay down my arms... As the kids would say FML.

Growing up, I was always brutal when it came to telling others the truth about themselves but I was 10 times as harsh on myself. Somewhere along the line I thought I endured too much why not give myself a break and then before I knew it giving myself a break became a 24hrs job. I was feeling free.

Several people tend to ask me why I'm always so positive and optimistic - the sad and I mean very sad truth is as a kid I taught myself to be. And trust there was a lot of pain along the way before I mastered those two successes. I remember me: he was so pessimistic and cared very little about joy but luckily he had an epiphany (yes they exist!) and realised he would be stuck in a loop of solitary displeasement because he was not allowing himself the opportunity to truly enjoy life. I decided early on I didn't want to be that person. So I began observing others; I learned when to smile and when to laugh, certain mannerism, things to say, then I taught myself much later how to be positive. I think I even taught myself to love. If you want some real honesty then you should know for the longest time I didn't know how I truly felt about much I just went through the motions, laugh when I thought I should, etc. I would like to say I am proud of who I am but who gives a shit, being proud was never a goal. I'm ok with the growth and the strength of the kid I'll leave it at that. I think I'm drawn to acting because subconsciously it feels so natural. I keep thinking about the poem I once wrote for this very blog a million years ago "Solitude's companion" and I admit it I'm lost, I've known that for a while...

Why did we digress? Sorry. I seldom expressed we should all face the consequences of our actions, but I don't think I can face mines not after everything I've remembered and the lines I've stupidly crossed. Never regret anything is on my list, not because I know I'll never be able to relive a moment, it's because in those moments I had a CHOICE to do what was just, self beneficial or right but... Sometimes I wish I had just left the kid to be a kid you know, leave him to just dance without shame, grow up without the burdens, risks and callousness but what's done is done, a dark cloud is what we signed up for. In time we'll say a prayer and continue to hope for the best.

I need a break, I'm over this f**king blogging shit.

Let me keep bleeding out - I'll be fine.

There's an unreleased post I wrote some time ago called "Where am I", not sure I'll ever release it but that's a question I ask myself a lot. WHERE AM I! I guess the only definite answer is where I'm supposed to be.

I can’t begin to tell you how much has changed for me within the span of a week: I moved countries, started taking care of a loved one, I’m unemployed (I feel like a complete novice to no-job-land and I’m rapidly feeling the effects); and I’m starting to feel like I’m fighting a losing battle on all front - me of all people, I don’t think you truly understand how rare that is.

I moved across the ocean last Sunday and within the span of 5 hours after landing I started my job hunt; I stayed on that vicious hunt until Thursday. Thursday oh Thursday, what can I say about you... Thursday I found myself reconnecting with an ex - a 4 hour conversation I doubt either of us would ever forget. It’s ridiculous how much pain a simple “Hi, I hope you’re doing well” text can hash up and how much can stem from a simple catch up after that said text. I remember growing up I kept saying I would stay away from any form of romantic involvement because my soul is not equipped to feel what the heart is supposedly meant to feel, and I knew without a doubt I would end up hurting anyone that tried to get close and, lo and behold, exhibit A. It’s so strange because I’ve walked into these intimate situations making it very clear I desire absolutely nothing serious but yet I ended up being the bad billy goat once the dust had settled. The truth is I wish I felt how I was supposed to feel or at least how others wanted me to feel but I don’t. Or maybe the truth is I don’t hope to feel that way at all because I don’t care to.


I am tired of hearing the words “I have faith in you” because I don’t know what it means nor does your actions support the words you utter. I am tired of feeling as though I owe anyone more than what I have already given. Even though I bleed, I feel no remorse for the person I’ve become and I don’t want nor need your sympathy, empathy, numerous chances or for you to 'have faith in me' because I only truly care how I feel about me. I’ll find my way, just let me bleed for now until I’m ready to wrap this wound up and carry on the good fight. As for you, your battle is your battle, pick a weapon of your choosing and good luck. And if you find yourself down at any point just know the only person you need, to get up on carry on is YOU! So to the person I hurt on Friday/Saturday I guess all I can say is you deserve the best and I hope life grants you just that - but I'll never be apart of YOUR BEST. I think we both know that but I hope we don’t become “strangers in the new”.

I’ve learned that I need to accept that I no longer share the same traits as I once possessed; however, if I desire to be someone I respect then I need to work on gaining some of those traits back. I was once unfiltered, candid and free spirited, I miss that. Now I’m just a liar because I adapted this "cautious of hurting others mentality" and as a result I tiptoed around the truth more times than necessary and if I’m honest I feel like scum, or do I? I really don’t know how I feel - I think I’ve spent the majority of my life just trying to feel and then here we are, in this moment, trying to work out if I genuinely feel anything at all or am I conjuring up synthetic emotions to not seem cold. I can admit with everything that I’ve endured recently I feel something, I’m just not sure how to describe it. It’s not remorse or sadness, it’s not hurt or upset-ness, it’s definitely not happiness - I don’t know how I feel but I do know I sincerely wish us all the best in our separate endeavors. Honesty, I missed just being point blank honest. I hear a lot of talk about people gaining everything they ever wanted in life and I think that's amazing. People say you don't have to choose between love and a career, you can have them both... I agree. I don't care to be one of those people - I would choose a career over finding the love of my life any day: If you had ask me to choose between the two a decade ago I probably would of chosen the latter but this is not 2009 now is it. I doubt I would of then too, my heart is not in the game if I’m being frank, so if that’s your aim...


Moving on, I think I’ve taken on more than I can handle and I need to start making some tough choices if I hope to accomplish anything at all. I haven't been devoting 100% effort into anything I do because I find myself trying to successfully achieve them all at once and it's unlike me to not exert my best. Ironically, as I’m writing this I’m coming home from an audition with a very reputable modelling and acting agency and I received a call back but I’m not sure once again how I feel. I’m not overjoyed or happy in the slightest. A part of me feels as though I didn’t deserve the call whereas another part of me just feels unbothered - which is very strange since this is a magnificent opportunity and something that could really open the doors I want to open (*WANT* I feel as though I should take heed of that choice of word), not to mention I’ve been in this new country less than a week and I’ve already accomplish something this massive. But I'm guessing I'm just dwelling on the fact that I could have done a lot better than I did at the audition. On another note, I put more energy into these blog posts than I do my other creative platforms and that’s worrying because this is at the bottom of my lists of current interests and fascinations to contribute my energy and efforts towards developing but yet here I am. The progress on my collection of poems has taken a left turn down stagnant lane. The music is still awaiting off-paper permission and the acting, well there’s been no practice due to my job hunt and daily activities taking priority. I feel like I’m one role seeking another role at this point - not even a person just striving to make greatness his reality. That’s just sad but unfortunately I don’t feel sad about it.

It’s weird I spoke to someone awhile back and they expressed that they love this blog because it’s as though I’m speaking to myself and I’m glad they had came to that conclusion and expressed it to me because that analysis meant a lot. As a writer if your words can make people capture your intentions without you literally saying it then you just created magic baby. Whenever I write these pieces (any form of writing whether poem, music, etc) I just give my fingertips permission to wriiiite, sometimes my mind is absent in that moment - completely blank, and in the end I hope that my soul has expressed what it really wants me to acknowledge, feel or respond to. After reading this very blog post for the sixtieth time it's safe to say  I've got detachment issues and I know I need to focus on connecting not so specifically with people but my emotions. I don’t think I’ve truly been hurt in a very very very long time and as sad as it sounds I miss the feeling, so for now I’ll take these pathetic light jabs life enjoys throwing, until I’m ready to fight back. For now I just want to bleed, stare at this outpour, sit here and cross my fingers that I'll feel something in the process. But regardless I know staying down is not my destiny so CHEERS to the blood, sweat and tears that will come and toast to the successes that will follow. It’s time to work on honesty folks! What do you need to work on the most?

Here's a drink and a suitcase filled with well wishes for the road... BYE!

I recently left a job I had been working for what felt like a lifetime and I must say I feel relieved. I recently started to share my work with the public and I must say I feel alright about it. I recently decided it was time to pack my bag and do what was meant to be done a year ago and to be honest I found myself conflicted.

In regards to the job, in the end I learned I needed to work in that environment in order to get the mentality I have now. In my time spent there I learned the art of being reserved and not being highly opinionated or better yet when to argue my point and when not too. Also, I learned the art of prioritising but most importantly I learned the specifics I will never want to endure again. Can you tell how coy I'm being in my approach right now - that's because the job also taught me not to burn bridges too quickly hahaha something I enjoyed a little too much growing up. All in all I met some wonderful people and I strongly hope like myself they do exactly what the title of that racist horror film directed by Jordan Peele instructed! It took some time but I finally understood that an organisation will always be selfish - you're replaceable and underappreciated no matter how celebrated you are or how much work you contribute. Therefore, You need to start focusing on yourself and getting the most out of what you have to offer as an individual. Think of yourself as an organisation (please know I use that sentence very loosely). I simply mean understand business is business and anyone who is not in favour of your direction then do not feel remorseful about cutting them off, wishing them well and continuing to create your vision. YOUR HAPPINESS, SUCCESS OR GROWTH should not be put on the back burner.

Sharing my hobbies/work publicly and turning it into a possible career path has been something I'm not over the moon about but I do feel has to be done. I always said a lot of people hindered themselves from being GREAT by being the primary obstacle on their own path and I would hate to know I did that cometh the inevitable fool we called DEATH. If you want to pursue anything in this life you have to know it starts with an application. When I say that I'm not necessarily talking about an application form, I'm talking about APPLYING YOURSELF - putting forth some degree of effort to get to where you see yourself later down the line in this mysterious intangible wonder we like to call life. I say BE YOU, speak openly about your truth and let the pieces fall where they may. Don't stop yourself from being an inspiration in a world in dire need of inspiration.

Last but not least the new journey ahead... All I will say is we must do what we must do for the reasons we feel we should but always keep in mind if you don't look after number 1 then you're of no use to others. Believe it or not building your story is the only full time job you'll ever have in this life don't let those accumulated shifts of 50 hours per week make you think otherwise. Though it may not pay off in bags of notes, it pays off in more ways than you can ever fathom and that's why there's no greater satisfaction than to work on being the best version of yourself you can possibly be. AIM HIGH - REALLY HIGH! What I've learned is everything can be taught and adapted in this world so find your passion or interests, open your mind to challenges and aim to learn the most before trying to be the best. No harm in failing as long as you pick yourself up and TRY AGAIN! I feel as though we're overlooking the fact that as humans we can only "TRY" : we can only try to make the most out of the cards we've been dealt, *I feel like I said this already in a past post - déjà vu must be on a rampage my child hahahaa*.

Ps. To the lovely soul (you're the best) who asked me why give your all and exert all this effort only for life to then serve you less than what you set out to accomplish, all I can say is if you didn't exert any effort for anything then all you'd be able to say is that you accomplished NOTHING! Where's the fun in that? Hell, we probably would not have gotten to know each other so well and I may not have been this proud and absolutely overjoyed by the doors you're opening! Keep going because life has got awesome things in store for you, just remember be joyous of every accomplishment no matter how small they may be because we all had to start off small (to quote the GODS of PHILOSOPHY, "you have to learn to walk before you can run, much less CLIMB to your envisioned heights")! And like I said you never exit a situation without learning something beneficial - take comfort in that. 

I TRULY APPRECIATE ALL THE KIND WORDS YOU'VE THROWN MY WAY AND THE CONTRIBUTION YOU'VE MADE TO MY GROWTH THUS FAR - I CAN ONLY REPAY YOU BY CONTINUING TO WRITE AS YOU STRONGLY REQUESTED HAHAAAHA SO I HOPE YOU ENJOY WHAT'S YET TO COME! THANK YOU AND I LOOK FORWARD TO MORE WONDERFUL CATCH UPS.

Will this last forever or is there hope?

I recently met up with a few ex colleagues of mines for a catch up to discuss the past, present and future as us humans tend to do after a degree of separation. The gathering was joyous and that palpable feeling of genuineness led to a wonderful farewell or better yet an authentic see you soon. Now somewhere between alcoholic consumption and of course professing my undying love for cheese as I scoffed down a very cheeeeeesy pasta platter my mind drifted off to the land of "soons". I started to realised that SOON our lives will not be tied to this area, SOON we will all have left the job, SOON we might not even remember this moment or better yet it would be a memory being shared 5 years from now when we reunite once more. This tiny moment of escapism probably lasted only 10 seconds in reality but in my mind I felt like Scrooge being escorted through time for almost 4 hours. I saw how much we had all changed in the short time we had gotten to know each other. Then everything flashed forward years later and I was seated around a fancy table once more, surrounded by aged faces but a lot of great elements being endured now, still exist: the same adorable laughter, crazy joy and a sense of genuine appreciation for each other's journey; and a sense of mutual respect; and mutual understanding; also in a strange way love. It felt like deja vu. During the course of our goodbye it felt as though a selected few wish we would maintain this relationship forever. Then I had to ask myself what does forever truly mean because the fact that I was a part of this wonderful moment means it'll forever be in my heart and more importantly my history and that's more than enough for me. But given the chance who wouldn't like the opportunity to relive a spectacular moment in the presence of great company over and over again especially in a life filled with so much misery.

I think a part of me forgot how adamant I always felt about treating every moment as though they could never be replicated because the truth about is IT CAN NEVER BE REPLICATED. I will never be leaving this job again, and even if I do for whatever reason it will never be the same faces and personalities being left behind, hell this lovely restaurant we're dining in for example might not be here 2 years from now. It begs the question are we truly LIVING in every moment or are we hoping by some sheer miracle this moment would bless our eyesights again and we can have a second shot at a joke or two that was overlooked? Are we living for the now or dwelling on forevers is the question? Should we be hoping for soons or making sure that everything is said and done in this very moment? Can we accept that the past has passed and we can only try to make things better not change what's already been written?

I guess all I'm saying is the next time you're in the midst of laghter or drowning in the abyss of sadness appreciate you're able to feel and understand you have the power to choose how you react. And somewhere between your third or sixth glass of your favourite red or white appreciate that you're able to taste. Just start to appreciate! See the one thing I have learned from this little erratic complicated bastard we call life is that whether you've been dragged beyond the incomprehensible borders of heartbreak or find yourself wandering the beautiful land of euphoria there's always a lesson to learn. I find that the lesson usually is "you don't get to choose what affects you but you do get to choose how to react which means you have a modicum of control over your growth as an individual", APPRECIATE THAT!!!

Forget beauty, "hope" lies in the eyes of the beholder. Whenever you're faced with the bad ask yourself will this last forever... If your answer is yes then asked yourself have I always felt like this... I can say with 100% certainty there's no way you can say yes to that last question, so if your answer is no then all you have to know is that if things changed for the worse then it can certainly change for the better. But if you said YES to that question then in the words of Harvey Milk (BLOODY LEGEND) “THERE IS HOPE FOR A BETTER WORLD, HOPE FOR A BETTER TOMORROW”, so start believing! And to all those people that sees a fellow neighbour suffering, don’t ignore them because we all need each other if we’re going to create “a better tomorrow”.

Ps. To the soul that asked me last week given the chance would I like to see where I am 5 years from now - the answer is no because making the most of every second right now matters far more than where I will be 5 years from now; also, why would I want to jeopardise my strong will to hope *wink*! CHEERS TO A BETTER TOMORROW GOOD FOLKS!!! KEEP HOPING AND HELPING!!!

Strangers in the NEW

We're here... We made it!

I haven't thought about this blog in what feels like an eternity. I haven't reminisce on the significance and the impact it once had nor could possibly have again until...

2018 was a really hard year for me : I set out to make the most of the year and somewhere down the line I derailed. I told myself I would travel and focus on my creativity (getting my collection of poems ready for publishing) and somewhere along these rocky roads to this cosmic destiny I know life has in store for me I felt as though I had to delay everything. So I stopped the chase! I usually have this unwanted tradition in which I find myself subconsciously titling the year before it even starts to creep into its second month and the year tends to end up defining that title without any effort on my part. Last year was the year of "recovery" and in the end I got why the universe rolled that title unto my path. See while I was plotting to travel, publish my pieces and simply smile, the universe was conjuring up pathways to teach me lessons I wasn't ready to truly understand but needed to calmly accept. I started digging a grave a very long time ago that I only began to acknowledge in 2017. I realised I was constantly justifying my actions by saying "if I worked as hard as I played then all my playful actions were excused because I deserved some satisfaction or some form of reward".

I lost myself somewhere between excuses and I saw it happening as I strayed off, stubbornly taking my own route and following my foolish intuitions but I did what any stubborn mule would do - I refuse to turn back. I found myself in the presence of a good Samaritan and I tainted that individual long before either of us had a chance to stop the incoming pain. I was in a box with another soul I didn't belong with and that only led to fleeting moments and... I had a flashback of this kid that made a promise to find home or his loved ones whenever his surroundings got too dark and this "box" was too dark. So I took a flight, admired a few clouds and made it back "home" to the only two people I love. To be honest it took awhile to truly comprehend where I came back too; I was far too busy focusing on the two people I wanted to see I forgot that even the location was considered home at some point.

This grave I spoke about earlier that I intended to cover up and happily move on from before 2018 only got deeper. There I was going into the NEW putting more chips on this already aching shoulder and things got even darker. 2018 began and with every new year came talks of resolutions and hope and I was no less of a victim to those desires than any other commoner despite the tribulations I was enduring at the time. I held off on pursuing my travels and I had to come to terms with how damaged my character had became and how estranged I had become from the man in the mirror. Whatever innocence existed had dwindled away. Recovering became key but my flesh had other plans and I surrendered. A lot of people ended up hurt by my actions last year but I can't seem to muster up remorse - I urge you to do the same as I've told my soul - move on!

I had to admit a lot of hurtful things to myself : I've done a lot of things I would not had tolerated years back, I made a lot of poor choices, I've done despicable things to get what I wanted but most of all I'm so unpredictable I don't even trust myself to do "the right thing" anymore. I learned I'll be trying to figure out who I am till the day I die and the truth is so will you because change never stops coming. I've learned I don't want to change the bad anymore than I want to change the good because I must've endured what I did to inherit qualities however unfavourable to conquer upcoming battles/opportunities. I will embrace this person no matter how intolerable or sweet he gets and in the end I can only hope that when I do accomplish more than I can fathom that I'm still able to look in the mirror and smile with a honest sense of proudness.

For 2019 the universe has spoken and I've been told this is the year of redemption and at first I believed it had to do with making a mend with those that were impacted by my actions last year but I feel as though I've misinterpreted the title. I feel this is the time to acknowledge how much I've stolen from myself, forgive myself if needs be and start to fight again, redeem what was truly promised by the universe upon birth.

I've been working a job for the last 13 months and I remember when I started a long time companion of mines said "I think you lack direction" as furious as I was to have someone comment on my life without knowing the depth of my struggle I knew it was true. I realised what you do on a day to day basis really takes a toll on your soul especially when you choose to sacrifice your voice for a cause that is not truly yours and shape your image for a hierarchical purpose rather than one that truly represents your individuality. It may not seem half the time that you can escape a relationship, or job, or that "grave" you keep digging but mark my words if you truly want to get OUT you'll find a way... DON'T DELAY!

I want to leave you with this, it's ok to accept the changes in your life - mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. We have no idea what the future holds - we're all strangers to the new but it's our story to write so don't shy away from making the most of this opportunity regardless of what the whispers of the world has to say about your actions. If you're suffering for your past grant yourself redemption, grant yourself a future.

Oh one last thing

Happy 2019! I'm glad to be back B***hes!