HOPE

I was speaking to someone lately and they mentioned they felt very depressed, they continued to express that they feel it's pointless getting intimate or close to anyone in this world when the outcome remains the same... Death! I responded death is natural and it's a way of life, what's pointless is letting that inevitable factor prevent you from living. We shouldn't have to sacrifice the wonderful things life has to offer, especially if they brings us a modicum of happiness due to knowing they're on a timer.

I feel like death has become such a reoccurring theme after experiencing so many losses throughout the world last year, so that daunting fear that us or our loved ones could be next is natural, but when stricken with fear you can only do one thing honey - hope. I binged watched Marvel's Cloak and dagger lately and it reminded me of the importance of hope. Remember 'dreams' people? Do you remember having dreams? Remember those infinitesimal moments you may have felt invincible like nothing was going to stop you from reaching great heights or just accomplishing what you desire? You remember your nightmares, how the fear dissolved after waking up and realizing it's not your reality? Well that's kind of the battle we're facing now only you're letting fear shield your hope and you need to acknowledge there's more to your life than just death, dread and disappointment. I said it before and I guess I'll keep saying it, this blog was built on hope. I wanted it to serve as a source of light for you all and myself, so if you think for a second the best is not yet to come, you're wrong! You should always hope for the very best, then prepare to receive the very best because the very best is what you'll soon receive. Your dreams will come true. Your goals will be met. Death will have to wait till you're ready and fear has no power because hope has spoken. Hope is your weapon in this fight so use it!

WoW, what a rant! I'm sorry. I feel like we tend to forget our species only came this far because we fought to overcome the adversity that plagued each year, decade, century, era by hoping our inventions and efforts would lead to so much more and they did. We live in the century of utter miracle, look around at how much the human race has. Look at the advances we've made and we all know things will only keep getting more advanced. Death is a cycle of life and so is hope, so is faith, so is change, so is courage. So have the courage to stand up to fear or depression, or whatever adversary is mentally blocking your hope from coming to the forefront and start to hope for great things again because this feeling of dread is not your testimony baby - SUCCESS IS! GRAB YOUR SEEDS AND START PLANTING GREAT FUTURE EXPECTATIONS... HARVEST SEASON IS NIGH!

A TRUE KING

I was speaking to someone earlier; he always inspire growth and wreaks of undying motivation. Every word uttered screams non stop success and just exchanging words with this individual made me acknowledge something vital to my own growth - I have no direction. Maybe instead of going uphill as I had always expected would be the case, I'm doomed to just remain on the same level, at the same pace forever hoping for change while knowing damn well I'm content with 'the cycle of maybes'. I remember a few years back one of my closest people had said to me "I'm going to be honest with you and don't take this personal, but you lack direction." Truth is I did take offence and I made it very clear I did, but if our closests can't tell us the truth without jeopardising the love and mutual respect for each other who else can, right? I went through a lot as a kid and when someone very close to me left my life, I guess my only plan became to escape the bad and embrace complete isolation. More and more over these last few years isolation seems impossible so I guess my heart and mind is just torn as to what I truly desire for my future living amongst a population I intended to abandon.

Two nights ago I found myself walking another dark road, nothing but abandoned decaying and or burnt down buildings, junkyards and so forth, I saw myself doing that walk many more times in this life and I wondered why. Why would a king not want to elevate, why am I still stuck in the memories of these broken homes, scars and failures I escaped already, more importantly why am I still walking, why can't I seem to leave them in my rare view. It dawned on me it's because I still think I can achieve maximum success on my own but I need help don't I? King status is either inherited, chosen or taken and let's face it the latter is my journey right. These rhetorical questions are aimed at me, don't feel the need to respond haha. So this 'king' as I like to him (the individual I referred to at the beginning of the post), wants to not only see me excel but help me get to my deserved wealth and I think I'll accept his sage advice and help to do so. Man that was hard to say haha. I'm not good at accepting a helping hand at all.

I knew for a very long time that I haven't been the me I once knew. Hustle game has depleted, daily choices have gotten worse, hobbies are not being invested in 100%, I feel no fulfillment whatsoever working the jobs I do and the list continues. I'm broken in more ways than I care to admit but that's not what this post is about - kings have their demons too. This post is to spark change, if there's someone in your life that wants to help you elevate, then accept the help - be cautious because we're all humans after all but ACCEPT THE HELP. I am going to forge new goals for the future, I can't afford to still be a victim of this decaying inescapable 1-man city in my mind anymore. We're all a work in progress right, just need to keep grafting and putting in the work to progress. Time to pivot the storyline from contentment to fulfillment y'all. CHEERS TO CHANGES!

I should take this moment to thank you all for your support, for reading, commenting and so forth! I appreciate it! I want to thank my mom and my sister for just being themselves above all, y'all are truly inspirational. And to the King that inspired this post, from one king to another I just wanna say thank you and cheers to the empires that will sprung from our prosperous moves.

This week (Update)

As I sit here trying to take in everything I've learned in the last three months alone, I realize how many times I've failed to accomplish yearly goals so now I've decided to set monthly. I think if I do this then maybe like puzzle pieces I'll somehow reach the bigger picture I have in mind for this year. Monthly goals are easier to track also, right? Anyway I digressed before even beginning to tell you what this post is about, so let's get into it. I've noticed that y'all don't recieve weekly updates on my life (probably because I doubt y'all would care and I do too much off the radar shit that I can't afford to be on paper so... Nonetheless, it's a Sunday, the week is almost finish so let's do you the honor of updating you for once. Disclaimer off the book shit will not be mentioned but at lwast you'll get an understanding of why I'm too busy to be posting every week.

I decided to add another job to my arsenal; I started it on Monday. Turns out I need the money. It's like nothing I've done before, so I'm excited to see what stems from it. It's in the danger zone side of city but I finally can accept tips and I get to take the train more often so those are great bonuses believe me. My writing is best when in transit, trust me a lot of inspiration coming y'all way in the near future. Tuesday I was at my main job, that day is a blur to be honest. Wednesday I was back at the new job, my plans for later that night fell through but it's a great new venture I'm excited to pursue so a raincheck is in the works. Thursday to Sunday were 5am shift days (hate early shifts btw), along with juggling the new job, whilst writing these posts for y'all and a great deal of personal business that is not fit for discussion! 

'Joint Kustody' (My YouTube Channel) dropped a vid on Friday of an interview that took place with a great guy by the name of Mike (Founder of Resilient Brand). Resilient is a brand that spreads the awareness of mental health and it was a pleasure getting to sit down with him and hearing his stance on the importance of acknowledging, understanding and responding favourably to your mental health struggles and also the importance of discussing it with those closest to you, so go check out the interview! Due to this new level of busyness I haven't spoken much to my mom or sis so we haven't had the opportunity to have our usual divine catch up to discuss how this crazy life is treating us individually, and it doesn't help that we're currently in 3 different countries. But finding that balance is on my to do list. FAMILY FIRST y'all know that's the mantra. Yesterday as in Saturday, I had a surprising message from an ex-colleague of mines trying to schedule a catch-up over breakfast next week; I'm skepticle about the timing of it all, maybe the universe has something to tell me and this colleague is the vessel or maybe it's just a good ole fashion 'keep this chapter open or close' type of revelation, we'll see.

This morning (Sunday) in case you've failed to follow the trail of dead days leading up to today, I had someone, who I'll mention in another post, motivated me to start thinking BUSINESS-WISE. It's a much needed push and I appreciate it. The person said they'll help me in my efforts so that's another venture I'm glad about. The strange thing is I was on my way to work earlier thinking I really have nothing to offer my future generation, why, why don't I. I spoke to my mentor not long before this and she said something quite profound and I quote "I know we want to be rich but richness is part of taking care of self" ponder on that folks. I had something rather good scheduled to end my week just right, but it turns out destiny had other plans. Nonetheless, no complaints, it gave me the chance to sit here and write this for y'all. Plus I'm elated I don't have to work another 5am shift anytime soon loool, hopefully the joy as somehow travelled through these words and invaded your veins. Now I gotta go apply for my EIN before the day finishes - time for business moves! *wink*

Tbh the only thing on my mind right now is finishing this collection of posts to deliver to y'all by the March 31st. I'm so excited to update y'all and I thank y'all for all the support and for reading.

How I met Philly

You know that show 'How I met your mother'? Well this is how I met Philly. See Philly and myself have a long standing history, I'm talking pre-historic Mary Anning rubbing all over fossil type of distant history. See as a kid I heard the word 'PHILADELPHIA' and I pictured absolute magic. Don't ask me why I just did. There and then I knew we would meet and have a happy life together and then like Polly, along came faith, angelic and appealing ready to deliver my wish like a genie and before I knew it there I was trampling all over the face of Philly leaving my footsteps as a blueprint for those that'll one day follow. Since moving I've travelled all over the city, seen it at it's quietest, craziest, busiest, funnest, freakiest, when it's real good and when it gets real real bad. I love Philly, I really do, the magic will never end... But it has... Well in a way.

When I first moved here I had a purpose, a great responsibility to put it better and during my quest to fulfil such responsibilities I tried planting opportunities that would one day allow me to flourish. I want to say along my journey, the seeds I planted were my primary problem, truth is I just lacked providing them with their necessary needs and therefore each relationship withered and I must say I'm glad they did, at least the majority of them. I was clearing the path to follow through with what I really wanted but even my efforts to do that was a failure. You're probably wondering what does this have to do with Philly right? Let's put it this way I think since moving here I've had the most opportunities I've had in my life and I've squandered them all for whatever reason. I've always known the importance of building relationships, I just never cared about it or them - my lonewolf mentality still trumps that need for team elevation/glory. Question is how am I going to achieve anything sustainable and lucrative without investing in any partnerships.

I recently formed a partnership with a colleague of mines, now we're a YouTube duo - look us up 'Joint Kustody', we're a pretty decent team. I guess in some ways I'm trying to plant seeds   about me or Philly really it's about you movers, the people reading this right now that have picked up their belongings and moved away from 'home', or those wanting to move, but still caught in the net of hope or limbo pondering on a new beginning or any successful ongoing investment. I want you to take heed of this, location only mean so little, it's the person's drive and intention to truly accomplish, that's what really matters. So no matter where you are in the world, give your seeds a chance to grow and flourish, nurture your investment, give your success a chance to flow wild like the wind and even if you're not the team playing type maybe it's time to learn to play well with others. Ok I'm done preaching, this is Akil in Philadelphia, signing out! Enjoy your year folks!

My Lover 'Loud' (Poem)

Smoking on this loud
paper and trees alight these thoughts
now I'm trapped in this mind,
marginalized on these pages I write,

limbs and organs like spaces broken to fit between words,

fighting to find meaning behind inaudible feelings.

Trapped,
like you in this photograph
an eternal smile
but you didn't depart in that fashion
you didn't hold unto that joy.
Ashes to ashes,
the Earth you rejoined.
I lost hope but you clinged unto my soul,
the part that shared some desire to be good,
the part that you somehow tamed a long time ago.
Now I smoke
remembering how many times you choked
on a roll big as oak.
We were cold
that december, roof top in New York
you in my arm as we shivered our way into slumber by the fireplace,
finding myself in my last 8th.
Trying get to 2 gram
but there was no limit man.
I was alone
few years later
drying my tears on that same rooftop
approaching another december.
We said we'd make memories
just for us two,
you promised you'd never let the voices intervene our love,
I'd forever be your muse.
I had to hurt you
and while your heart bled,
I bagged your pain up
laced it inside my green
now we both took a L.

I hope my memory leave bygones be

and you'll follow your internal map to 'happy'.

I still wear your shirt,

picture smelling your cologne

though it's long faded

I still picture you and me jaded

On the right side of the bed

as my debates went left

leading to arguments.

I get it
I showed no indication to change,
still chilled with my same lames,
chasing fame
in the worst ways,
groupies getting treated like they were on holiday,
time after time you forgave
but as easy as it was to start a new page
I'd flip back to my old ways.
I'm glad you surrendered,
gave up on me,
you were unhealthy,
now my footsteps are goal oriented
I'm eco friendly...
Strictly green!

I go hulk on some paper,

I avenged, smash, lust, repeat,

grind, weigh, rub,

roll, spit, roll, light, whiff, whiff whiff whiff whiff whi...

I blow my lover regularly

The type of sex only my mental can truly secure a release.

Your wife (Poem)

I'm not thinking about your wife
Not right here
Not right now.

I'm not thinking about the consequences
not right here,
not right now.
Not while your arms are wrapped around me
not while we're fighting to breathe
panting our way to relief.

I'm not thinking about your wife!
I'm not thinking about what comes next
I'm not hoping for overnight trysts
or a slice of her life,

or hoping to converse about what's already complex.

I just want your sex!

I see the outline of your wedding band,
Don't hide it, I know where I stand.
I see her everyday,
wave or lend her hand
when she's struggling with bags.
But friendship, I never can,

I wouldn't dare open Pandora's box.

You're mines
right here
right now!
You're mines
and that's enough...
For now.

I'm not affectionate

I found myself treading new territory once again today. On my way back home I saw the moon, this time looking much larger than normal, still following my every move as though I needed a friend to occupy my time in my uber driver's silence. As I ride the backseat I thought about some of the people I've been with in this life. I wondered if I gave them the impression that I was passionate, affectionate or loving at all. I'm sure I did. If I assessed most of my actions I'm sure I did give that 'I seek love' impression despite constantly being quite vocal about my lack of interest in the obvious. Disappointing tbh. I find that's the world we live in though, you can keep it 100 with someone but they either take your word as gospel or completely dismiss it and pursue whatever fantasy their minds has carelessly conjured up. I guess I'm to blame mostly or am I?

We live in the 21st century, there's films, series, skits, memes, youtubers and blah blah blah, repeatedly showing real life stories about being played or being observant to red flags and I guess if we choose to ignore the many warnings then we should take responsibility for the harm we cause ourselves right? Same goes for the player or unaffectionate or casual seeking party walking around collecting hearts and adding it to their collection. It may not seem like it but all parties has their cross to bear, it's just some feel that weight quicker than others and choose to openly express such a burden and others Reynold wrap that bitch up to deal with it later. I've been told I'm cold numerous times; the thing about being cold is, you tend to go numb and comments that's supposed to sting are not felt so I suggest when you come across a player or someone completely unaffectionate just run the other way, don't intend to change them or waste time hoping someday they acknowledge you're an exception not the rule. The weight on your shoulders will keep feeling significantly heavier if you don't cut that anchor loose.

I refer to the romantic state of our society as 'The ln betweeners' because I've noticed a lot of people still have romantic outings with their exs, whilst others wait to be claimed by someone they've been on many dates with or someone who they've been on and off with for years, others wait for their partner's intentions to match theirs, all the while knowing in their hearts it never will. Just a lot of people stuck in between dumb and full blown bullshit yet somehow they tend to play blind and hopeful. If you're one of these individuals then my deepest sympathies and good luck. I don't want you to think for a second I don't believe in true love, I do, and I think if that's what you seek then dip when you start seeing red flag and find the joy you really desire elsewhere. Waiting around for someone else to bring you joy only leads to heartbreak hotel in my opinion - and guess who pays to stay in that room of misery. I admire those that want to be a victim of Cupid, I think it's 'cute'. I on the other hand have a restraining order on the fool so I think for now I'm good. In conclusion, I guess what I'm trying say is if I'm your next victim, DREAM ON, stay far and run the other way like Cupid. I'm not affectionate - at all and same goes for these players you're praying and hoping would one day feel the same as you. LET THEM GO! LET US GO! MOVE ON!

In time I wait (Poem)

I remember here,
me and you
stuck in that ancient cycle of abuse.
I would watch the clock
hoping the tables would turn like its hands,
but time after time I allowed the same excuses to fly 
while I silently waited, 

with my faith ever loyal by my side.
I knew you enjoyed my fight,
every ounce you got, you fed,
it made you strong knowing you'd eventually leave my hope dead.
Now my happiest of moments feel shorter than a breath,
because you stole so much leading up to the wake of my confidence.

Habitual offender
yet I let you off scott free,
and with each day,
your bs stole another chunk of me.
I grew wiser knowing I'm the fool
and I'll go grey knowing I'm still being abused.
Every unknown bruise I accredit to you,
who else cared enough to leave a mark - just you.
I find myself stuck between growth and your place,
that place you created for little old defenceless me to feel safe.
Some nights I still wait.
Some nights I really wait!
Laying there, mind lost in space,
trying prepare, soaked in fear,
and I wait, to hear your footsteps,
my heartbeat racing with every one
then you'd hop in bed,
the stench of your breath as it traces my neck,
the whispers of you trying wake the seemingly dead,
as you begin to caress,
I'd say I'm tired but
I'm then greeted by force,
not respect.

I been trying find peace and order
in that order,

anything to keep you and mind on two different planes.
but I know you have my heart on call
in my mind I return to that cycle everyday.

Some nights I still wait.

I still wait.
Though in the back of mind I know things have changed,
some nights I still wait.
Some nights I still cry,
but when the sound of my sobs fill the air
and I feel the dampness of each tear
and there's no rustling of keys, no footsteps,
no creaking of my door or banging of my bedframe, no whispers,
I feel the change!
I know there's change,
but I still wait.
Somewhere in that solace
between each teardrop I find peace
and though I know it's short lived
and a memory or two of what you did
will soon steal my joy again
I embrace what little tranquil
the good lord has granted.
I do wish you well
and I wish the poor soul that now waits
with the same fear someday escapes
as well.
I wish them well.
I wish you, well.

The cost of Blackness

I broke a glass yesterday. The bizarre thing about it is I didn't see it fall, but I knew it was on its way down and consequently I braced for impact and heard it shatter in my mind before it had hit the floor. It really shone a light on inevitability for me. I just saw two pictures of myself on my wall, one as a kid and the other from two years ago and I wondered if due to my stubborness and my lonesome mindset, failure or evident slow growth was always predictable but I was too blind and defiant to acknowledge and act accordingly.

I recently suffered two tremendous losses and despite how shocking one was and how slightly expected the other was I was still torn by them both. But that's the price of inevitability right? We know death is a must yet we're stunned in its wake everytime. Since moving to America I've become very black conscious - it's hard not be and I think about the inevitability of being another statistic. I think about not being able to do the simplest things in peace e.g. wearing a hoodie I pay for, walking through a department store without being stereotyped as a robber, jogging through a predominantly white neighbourhood without being harassed, driving a fancy car without being pulled over because stereotypically your looks don't match the needed funds fir such a purchase; and carrying a gun under the 2nd commandment without being labelled a thug or killer; and chilling on my block with friends... I think about how our peace was robbed and how we continue to rob our own kind of those basic privileges by stereotyping each other and not uplifting each other as we should. Now I know what you're probably thinking, here comes another 'black lives matter' rant but movements are built created for a reason right. If unfairness didn't exist there wouldn't be a women movement or lgbtqa or BLACK LIVES MATTER. Fairness - basic human rights to be ourselves without a crowning of your halo of guilt before a crime is committed is all we asked. Imagine how the world could really change with such an attitude.

When I was younger than 10 I moved to England and my mom looked at me and she said you have to work 10 times harder than others because you're black. I remember thinking why at first then later determining the statement was senseless and silly. I said to myself you should work hard because you should work hard, everyone should work hard regardless of their race but I admit it now I was the senseless one. I was silly. By no means is this a WHITE vs BLACK issue or US vs THEM it's just the truth. When anyone is convicted and sent to prison the rule changes, there's divisions, clicks, jobs, schedules, a different variety of DOs and DON'Ts and they find that they have to give up a lot of basic expectations. Well being black in America is like that, in order to survive and grow the majority of 'us' have to learn the art of saying YES and NO, we have to learn when to smile and when to just keep quiet because our fairness like our peace was robbed. I had a boss that said to me once that I am a 'yes man' and I thought wow he's right how did I get here, I was never like this : it took me awhile but I realise I chose to be a representation instead of a statistic - us blacks are painted as violent, defiant and rebellious by nature and I wanted to sho2 we could be otherwise. But Rosa Parks taught us NO for a reason right... Sometimes you have to rebel especially when your first no is seeing as you being irrational.

Have you ever heard Tracy Chapman's 'Bang bang bang'? I think of that song sometimes, probably because I feel the world missed how revolutionary the message was. See regardless of our race, I think the song discusses everyone whose innocence was stolen by the temptations of others and once exposed to anything worldly - drugs, gun, alcohol we get that sense of power. And we do as expected with such temptations but there comes a time we realize that lure was of a vindictive nature, one to keep you in check, under someone else's control. The thing with power is once you get a taste there's no such thing as control only self preservation and perseverance and you no longer want to be on strings. But when things go too far you start to crave the innocence that is long gone and when you realize the stains of the past can never truly be washed away that innocence turns into revenge or restrain but even restrain only lasts so long right. I guess what I'm saying is really think before you take on a new habit. Really think! Also think about who else may suffer because of your decisions, the truth about the matter is 99% of the time someone else always ends up collateral damage. It's inevitable.

The good, the bad and the ugly

I've been thinking about the bad I've done a lot lately; I don't try to rationalize or justify it anymore, I just find myself contemplating my wrongdoings until someone snaps me out of deep reflection. I use to think I was a bad person but I came across a lot of evil since then - demons my actions can never hold a torch to and they seem to lack remorse. I wonder if they think about the bad they've done too. I use to observed their actions, I think somewhere down the line it made me cold, consequently trust and love fell off the table for me. I use to wait for winter to see if it was possible for a cold heart to feel any colder given that it was already accustomed to such temperatures. 

I noticed with a lot of 'these evils' they had an anchor. They tried not to admit it but their actions were snitches - they always had an anchor. I'm talking about someone that kept them from going completely nuclear! The problem is they know every bad they carry out loosens the rope on their anchor, they know every bad brings them closer to losing the only person/persons that see the tiny bit of good gripping the hem of their souls for dear life but yet it shocks them when that anchor somehow loses its grip and float away with the tide due to their actions. They're always shocked! Then here comes the nukes. I've been watching a lot of Marvel television as of late, the new superheroes gracing our screens are very flawed: some suffering from addictions, involved in assasinations, incapable of hiding their true identities, etc. Our so called heroes have really crossed over into the grey zone and marched head first into the land of darkness carrying out the most heinous acts but they are still seen as heros and it begs the question do the worst among us see themselves as good. I mean I can only speak on my behalf but the bad I've done I did because I felt I had to in order to survive or simply get what I wanted but does that make me good, I don't think so. However I can see why one would think otherwise, especially in a world in which we're taught to defend what is ours, 'life is not fair' and acquire the most, almost at any cost necessary, from a very early age. I can see why our wires gets easily tangled and we fall very short of perfection very easily. Maybe bad is the new good.

Today I woke up thinking about a particular someone, a soul that did a lot of bad in order to gain a lot of good and I admired how thin the line that separated their black and white reality from the thirst of the grey area is. This person went toe to toe with a lot of giants and David them all but I wondered at what cost. Do they stay awake at night being haunted by their demons. I wonder if I'm only a few nights or months away from those hauntings myself. I wonder if their soul is in line for that well known fire that haunts the pits of that infamous place we're all trying to avoid. Personally, I decided a long time ago I'm ok with that being my final destination as long as I know in this life I did what I had to. 

I came across a lot of sheeps in wolf's clothing but overtime they did become wolf, I guess the saying 'if you quack like a duck then you're a duck' is true. I don't know where I'm heading with this post so I'm just going to say I don't think it matters if you're good, bad or evil just accept the consequences no matter how mournful or detrimental they are. If you want to walk through life head high doing the worst of the worst then don't kneel and beg at the sight of death just be ready to give the scythe carrier one hell of a fight. I know I will!

My sanctuary (Poem)

This house is broken
like the hearts it hold,
rottening hope now gone
weary like my soul.
The cracks now cry for help,
walls are hopeless,
sheltered but my faith is homeless,
as silence is on bedrest,
I'm by its side praying for the return of its liveliness
but where do I begin
when time won't permit.
I'm sick,
sick of the same shit.
Water flows,
I say stop but
the tap won't listen,
no obedience,
and my wiring is now twisted,

ideas are vanishing,
bulbs are blowing in an instant,
and I'm in this darkness
trying to find my pieces
but it'll be a miracle if they ever fit.

In time this house will become a home again,
brick by brick the proof is already in the pudding.
Inspiring those around it like its former inhabitants,
the nucleus of change for its location.
I am one with it,
feel its foundation slowly strengthening.
I covered it in a bubble of prayer,
it needs blessings.
No ghost resides
so no need to exercise,
demons contrite and departed
now it practices pacifism.
This house will accept nothing but peace,
development, air to breathe.
The cracks will get filled,
sanded down therapeutically,
each and every wall attacked by Elpis!
Faith will be restored
joyful music will invade its core.
This will be a worthy shelter.
This will be a home again!
My home.

Forever my Angel (Poem)

You were just here!

I heard the news
felt the tears
YOU WERE JUST HERE!
Right here...
My hands around your waist,
dinner time we were in no haste.
Talking to me,
telling me tales,
always the protagonist,
the plot always the same
how foe after foe failed
and time after time you prevailed
due to god's divine grace.
Showed me how to stand on my own
believe in myself, set my own goals.
You taught me how to hone my skills
especially under the scrutiny of critics,
fight first cry later
but plot for triumph as each drop hit the pillow.
You're my definition of a soldier,
my confidence's shoulders,
ghetto youths' helper,
a true saviour - messiah.
You sold the tangibles
but none came close to the intangible,
your love was truly remarkable,
you showed us all how to be strong while vulnerable.

You were the foundation
and the pillars.
The building is still firm because now your spirit lies in each brick,
unbelievable strength even at your illest.
I'll love you to the fullest!
Fly my angel,
take your place in the highest of highest.
XoXo

Sonia Hamilton

I lost my grandma 6 days ago. Just re-reading that line gives me the chills. I can't believe how it all transpired. I could recount the order of events for you a million times and it'll still feel surreal. My grandma was my soul, taught me the very basis of love, respect and discipline. There was a point in which I felt like I mattered to no one but her and I vouched to return her kindness with the finest life could deliver, sadly I failed. But this is not about me, it's about the legend that came, stood firm, fight fiercely and departed with honour, great respect and dignity. I always admired my grandma! Something about the way she carried herself, her responses, her storytelling, her strength, her influence always screamed volumes of wonders to me. She touched so many and gave a new definition to the value of a woman so the fact that she was taken from us at all whether at age 100, 80 or 50 seems shocking and unjust but then again that's how we all feel about our departed loved ones, right?

It's been 19 days since my grandma died. To be more specific it's been 18 days 23 hours and 9 mins since my grandma died. I am broken! Feelings on ice like her body awaiting a moment I'll never be ready for. I sit by her window like I use to do as a kid and I let the memories flow, blow me away like the wind, there's so many yet so few at the same time as though we knew each other for short period yet also for a lifetime. I hear loss gets easier over time - I never got that concept. The pain seem to just set up a headquarter somewhere in the mind of the grieving awaiting visits and tears seem to spring without reason. Somehow this paragraph is turning into a poem and that's irritating me. I can't write about this and feel as though I'm doing my grandma justice in any way. I want to shine light on how amazing she was but the thing about legends is, you can't put them into words, no amount of syllables would ever seem fit, you had to encounter their presence to truly feel the power of their essence. I am broken and dismayed not just because my grandma died but because the entire world didn't get to experience her essence, see her smile, witness her fight, admire her dancing, witness her hustle, her compassion, or simply benefit from her smarts. SHE WAS EVERYTHING EVERY WOMEN DREAM TO BE! 

LEGEND

......

My grandma's funeral was 5 days ago and I missed it. I got to see the viewing her body via zoom though. I don't quite know how to put this feeling in words right now. I haven't thought much about it these past couple of days but as I write this I feel like life is slowly being drained from my bones. I feel like there's 10 bodybuilders just sitting on my knuckles and every letter is 10 times harder to type. No matter how much time spent with her it never seems enough, this all seem too soon. I never got to give her the great life she deserved to have lived. I wondered if I done enough for her, did I prepare her breakfasts well enough, clean her room enough, was I roght pushing her to take her medications when she was very reluctant, did I sit and laugh enough with her, should we had have deeper conversations, did I make it abundantly clear how much the whole family appreciated her, I don't know. Most of all I wondered if I gave her her roses - gave her her rightful credit for making me the man I am today. I guess I'll never know. I don't even think ahe remembered my name in the end but I'd take 10 more years supporting her through dementia than 10 more years without her. I keep hearing I should take comfort knowing she's no longer in pain now (her cancer got so bad), I guess I should but it makes me wonder why she had to endure such pain to begin with. Why do any of us? Why does life have to be a 'pain then recovery, then repeat till death' type of path? Why can't we just live.

R.I.P SONIA HAMILTON! PERFECT PEACE

I am my Father's son

  'My condolences', those words combined now sound so alien since ending up on the receiving end of them. I find myself shaking it off every time someone utters it and due to that nonchalant-ness they tend to repeat themselves to ensure I've heard, but what's a befitting response? Do I say thank you as though we've just completed a successful transaction? Or should I lower my head in sincere thought and sadness whilst remaining quiet? Or should I weep? Or do I give the traditional expected response "I can't believe it...I appreciate it"? I've always been the type that wanted people out my face as soon as possible with limited, I take that back, as little to no words exchanged and that still haven't changed so what do I say. Over the years I've tried to be the nicest version of someone I don't even recognized and I think this death has somehow dented this persona I've built. My smiles don't feel real anymore; my sadness seems... Somehow I feel like I'm now in autopilot, as though my everyday actions are being watched by the real me and I'm trying to move, say and do as expected, slowly waiting for this dent to expand into an eventual shatterm, consequently causing myself to regain the person I was before I started this whole nice guy disgusting sprouse. I'm not making sense am I? Kinda like 'my condolences'.

I learned when I was very young what it truly meant to be my Father's son. I came to accept the burdens and perks of such a role from very early on. The thing you should know about my father is he was flawed beyond belief as a father but he was an amazing man otherwise, therefore throughout time I chose to judge him by his actions towards others rather than towards myself. I've heard a few people say lately they can relate to me (not fully but to some degree) because they've lost their dad too, the truth is you can't relate! My condolences. There are things you can't say about the dead so I don't quite know how to follow through with this piece in a respectful way. I feel in some ways my dad like my mom is the foundation on which my knowledge is rooted. My dad taught me the art of selfishness, intelligence, the indifference of love; and the strain of additions; and bad fates; and misguided passion; and emotional independence and so much more I am grateful for. I find myself staring into the open air a lot lately, lost between a thought, a memory, a wish and an expectation then I somehow... I feel mind-boggled, like I'm watching the world from a bird eye's view on a TV screen and there's a big pause sign but somehow the show is still continuing, the world is still turning. Mostly, I feel torn, like I've lost a dad but haven't at the same time, like I've lost a piece of my soul but haven't at the same time, like I've lost more than I can put into words but haven't at... A part of me feels like I need to do what I do best and disappear off the grid, another part feels like I just want to quit my job and everything I do on the side and just click refresh on life. Can I do that? It seems easy. My dad could've done that, no?

Anyway, at his funeral I said a little tribute and it was something along the lines of "my father was a great man. He thought me a great deal, and his lessons and actions really shaped me into the man I've become. Like the rest of us he had his flaws and he had his strengths, he had a lot of qualities we admired and it made him the staple he was in many lives. His greatest skill being his wit and ability to cheer us up even in the darkest of times. We didn't just lose a father, son, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, friend, we didn't just lose someone close to us, earth lost a great mind, someone who really paved the way for many by simply using his smarts and just being himself. Today we recognized one of the greatest spirit that walked our community. He struggled like the rest of us to make ends meet. Despite his addiction and mistakes he fought to give those around him especially his children the brightest of futures and for that we thank him and acknowledge the place in our hearts he will always hold. R.I.P, we will meet again."

R.I.P HOWARD HAYE! PERFECT PEACE

The year of death is not over

Death. It's a powerful word isn't it. It recently dawned on me how many great minds, wonderful personalities and bright futures have been stolen at the hands of fatalism. I mean as humans we really fight, don't we? I've seen it first hand, when pain hits we try, really try to beat our obstacles to a pulp. It's one thing to override the sadness tied to getting out of bed and committing to jobs we really don't want to die doing but tolerate for economical reasoning day after day, added to the pressure of simply trying to walk in our truths - as our authentic self in a world that seem to can't comprehend that they are fighting to forbid truth on a planet that's in dire need of more candor, compassion and transparency; in addition, we're hit with incurable illnesses, environmental pandemics, political victimization and so forth but despite it all we continue to fight. We're really, really, really fighting, I just don't get why god or the universe or better yet life is on the prosecution's side of the court. Also, I don't get why it's blatant that humanity (our fellow brothers and sisters) regardless of race or other differentiating visual factors are our only hope for enforcing well needed changes and yet we're not helping each other be better and do better: we clnstantly choose to partake in this crab in a bucket, tug of war game against those in amongst us to no avail - we all fall at the hands of death victims if the same pathetic cycle.

2020 was an extremely tragic one not just due to the literal deaths we've all been publicly exposed to but the deaths of our social life, positive psychological state, HOPE and so forth. I think it was prophecied awhile back that 2020 like the year 2000 would bring about unforseen changes on a positive and evolutionary level but there we were feeling stuck (not just at home but also on the spectrum of progress). Maybe it did bring some form of cosmic change. Maybe we've been under the invisible influences of vanity and trivial thoughts for so long we needed a drastic page turner to shake our very core, to remind us of the things and people in life we truly value. The pandemic has been quite eye opening, it shined a light on so much: The government limited amount of power and questionable intelligence; the great divides throughout society; the fragility of mortality; the influences of role models; your will to enact change; personal triggers, systematic racism etc; and probably for the first time ever we endured a state of global instropection. *See there is something new under the sun* Every nation band together to unite against one threat, despite their different strategies to conquer the battle at hand, the greatest win was that we all united against one threat.

Somewhere not too far from your doorsteps another parent has lost a child, a grandparent has been taken, cousin, niece, nephew, aunt, uncle - another life has been stolen at the hands of fate. Somehow my condolences or a roomful of platitudes don't seem to cut it anymore and that heavy feeling of "I should live life to the fullest" seem to be accompanied with a gift wrapped timer because somehow we know we won't stick to that fleeting devotion despite desperately wanting to. Goodbye seems just as temporary, doesn't it? As though you'll one day see that face and hold those hands again and tomorrow may just be the day for such reunions but today the only thing that resonates is the grief of that departure. How do we make a difference we ask ourselves. Personally, I don't know. Death is inevitable! I guess all we can try to do is help those around us while we still can. HELP! Contribute to finding cures, or start rehabilitation centres, or start being a worldwide voice for those suffering from rape or mutually experienced trauma, just start helping, maybe a life or two could be saved if you do. 

I guess we still find ourselves perpetually wondering why does death keep coming? Why doesn't that resilient little fuck acknowledge our efforts and just surrender. Since the millennium has began, it has shown us how close we are treading to the edge of humanity's doom and it's high time we accept the curse of inevitability. What if the saying is true, "there's only one god and his name is death"? I mean all the other gods we serve has only delayed the inevitable right, but death seem to be the only one successfully doing as expected for millenniums. It's a shame such a fate still mortify us and the pain it carries is such a burden despite knowing it's inevitability. The year of death will continue so I guess our job is to live (life to the fullest) while we wait right. Maybe we're all lives hanging from nooses and the only thing we can do is keep the fight, so keep fighting.

New York, NEW YORK!

I always knew I would be in New York someday writing a piece I would remember till the end of my days. I always pictured writing it on a rooftop overlooking a portion of the city that would make me utter the words "THIS IS SO NEW YORK BABY!". I fantasized (yeah let's use that word haha) many times about writing many pieces in this GREAT city as I gleefully suffer from Carrie Bradshaw syndrome (you know what I mean) - inspirational but risque - quite salacious but only in the metaphorical sense - after all I do have a good boy status to uphold, hahaaaha. Though this is not a rooftop, I am 24 stories of the ground overlooking Ms beautiful New York herself, with a glass of champagne to my left, feet up, on the first day of yet again another optimistic year, about to write you something magical so I guess we should both feel blessed right?!? That's rhetorical btw lol. Point is fantasy do come through. So here we go, what can I say about you New York!

                                   ...

It's been 4 nights here in the Big Apple and I received a very astonishing and unwarranted realization whilst on the 80th floor of the Empire state building. There I was looking out over the city, admiring the lights that are desperately trying to swallow the city's darkness and I felt it - the feeling of being lost. At first I thought it related to the city itself you know, as though all the cultures that have woven themselves into the mix along with the constant architectural developments has somehow tricked the city into feeling as though it's lost its initial essence but the truth is it was in regards to the people. From the sky it seemed as though the city had devoured all life form and it dawned on me this is the city to come to when you want to get lost, or simply feel invisible. Even whilst walking around Times Square amongst very, very few souls (thanks to the fear of covid), I still felt invisible, as though there was a bubble around each cluster that converse with each other.

To you this may be a sad thing but to me it's probably the definition of a dream come true. See I realized when I was younger, the times I've felt most comfortable in my skin is when I'm walking through the most seemingly deserted territories or when I'm in the corner of a dark room with nothing but my thoughts. Unfortunately, over time a lot has changed, maybe it started with the crack of the door to that dark room letting just a preview of light in or the sight of possible life on one of those deserted streets but somehow I was enticed by change. And then it happened, like New York city I'm consumed by more than I can handle. Despite the apparent beauty of one's  growth so many mistakes have been made along the way. I grew to accept the lights I've let into my world, I accepted all the clarity that came with embracing changes, I accepted the fact that I'll never look in the mirror and truly feel like I know this person I'm looking at, but most of all I accepted the fact that I now feel found or better yet visible. See the thing you should know about me is the light brings clarity but it doesn't bring joy or genuine self assurance, I only knew myself, and I mean truly knew myself and loved the person I was when I was surrounded by darkness, lost between carriages in my train of thoughts, forgetting humanity had opinions thanks to the blank walls surrounding my sanity. Anyway back to New York!

There I was amongst others looking out from one of the tallest point in the city and despite the breathtakingly beautiful view all I was seeing was how much of the city hasn't been exposed to the light! And in that moment I understood why I felt that feeling of 'lost'. I think in order for me to find that vessel my soul ripped itself from just to taste the wonders of this world, I HAVE TO MOVE TO NEW YORK! I was informed that after the Twin towers was hit, it was built back and is now known as The Freedom tower, so maybe that's what we should title this year, 'The year of liberation'. Sometimes, something colossal need to  takes place for us to know in our hearts without an ounce of doubt what needs to be done to progress. I think what I'm saying is don't let fear be your guide in life, let revelations, inclines and your instincts steer your way and no matter how ludicrous your decision may seem stand behind them because maybe doors you can't even fathom will begin to open. Trust your decisions and make the most of every footstep that follows. 

I wish this tale was one about New York's fashion, beautiful sites or it's spontaneous promiscuous nightlife but it's just a tale about how another person have been saved by an apple (like Adam and Eve was in my opinion). NOW THAT'S AN APPLE SHOT! New York, NEW YORK I guess you're the next city on my slaughter list, I'll be seeing you real soon kid.

I can't find me!

I think it happened at age 23, 'cause that's the last time I remember feeling fine. As a kid I would look around and I would see other kids wanting to be this and that, having all the aspirations in the world but they were never focused on who they were in the present - I always was. As an adolescent, I would see others I was surrounded by struggling to find themselves, trying to grow at the pace society pressured them to keep up with and I didn't need to, I was already in my own lane, very sure of the person I was. At age 18, I was very much a staple in my mind, someone unmatched, someone who simply didn't give a fuck about those that didn't agree with what he stood for or who he is and very much satisfied being seen as an island away from the mass. I was this guy who relentlessly spoke his mind and went the uncalled distance to back it up if things escalated. By 19, I was living alone very much invested in writing and subconsciously finding his zen, so I invited 'the calm' into my spirit. At 20, I embarked on enforcing more changes than I can sufficiently put into words. At age 23 I decided to make some really bold moves, took one too many wrong turns and that was the onset of the avalanche that I now refer to as 'the sad identity crisis'. I stand by everything I did but the person in the mirror seems blurrier everyday. Is that relatable?

I realized early on in life that I didn't feel 'normal', I just thought my emotional clocks turned differently. Use to think of myself as some type of earth invader, sent to understand emotions and reactions then report back. It took me awhile to work out how to emit a particular feeling as weird as that sound and so I taught myself the art of reciprocal energy very very very early on in life. Meaning I will treat you exactly how you treat me - it's only fair, right? It made life easy. Somewhere after age 23, after trespassing on one too many forbidden paths, I was swarmed by a lot of emotions from others and I started to feel more human than ever before, probably because it was the first time I truly saw the face of hurt - I really looked into its eyes you know. I guess the act of reciprocation became difficult after that. I always say my favourite historian is Rosa Parks because she taught the population the most powerful word in history, "NO"! Once upon a time that was so effortless to say. Now years later I've become a lot more lenient, forthcoming and 'nice'... Not just reciprocal niceness, actually a nice person... I guess that's the major contributor to this blurry image.

I have these moments now where I find myself trapped between the image of the past and the one of my present - legit trapped - I would often astro project and see the present me in the middle of a tug of war. Somehow I'm just trapped. And there are some moments in which I am lucky enough to carve my way through the niceness of my present self to speak my true desires and there are other moments I sit still admire the past and/or acknowledged me fucking up my present. There's things I would never had stood for at age 22 that I just let slide now and it's more disappointing than astonishing tbh. I think a few years back when things took a turn for the worst, I told myself I should try and 'naturally feel' something, anything, and ever since then everytime I utter those words I open the door to another mistake. It works though, I do feel now! Or at least I tell myself this is how others should actually feel in a particular situation and I assume that is exactly what I'm feeling. The emotions feel a lot more natural than they did growing up. I feel sadness, joy, temporary satisfaction... The crave to continue trying to feel became so strong I stopped fighting, surrendered and continued to dig my emotional grave. At this point there's too much dirt under the carpet to ever be the person I once was or to be proud of the one I am now, so finding that old me is damn near impossible. He'll just have to remain trapped. I feel human now. I guess that's the only way to put it, I genuinely feel human. It's scary and probably stupid in the eyes of y'all.

Maybe the problem is not finding myself, maybe it's not being able to return home. I mean maybe I am from Jupiter as I had often joked and being here on earth has taken a toll on my system and I can no longer function how I use to. Maybe like Adam and Eve I've bitten into something forbidden and 'feeling' is my punishment. Maybe this was always my fate and that trapped soul is just a victim like many others to the changes he started but now refuse to accept. Maybe I passed the point of no return a long time ago and I should just surrender to the humans' ways. Or maybe my people is still on the way to rescue me and they're severely delayed - let's hope. Or maybe I just have to figure out how to find my new balance because like Pinocchio I'm human now. Or maybe I just need to start expressing how I feel again rather than trying be nice, maybe that's the recipe to finding joy again, right?