I never had dreams growing up!
I came from a community that submerged me in a black hole of criticism so I spent my time indulging in disassociation; I branded myself an outcast real early on and I guess my brain was occupied focusing on all the reasons I didn't fit in, I neglected any need for aspirations. For that reason I didn't dream. I would say the only thing I truly longed for was to leave my neighbourhood and move to the good part of town but it always felt more like destiny rather than a dream - still haven't seen the good part of my city yet, so much for destiny. All in due time. Anyway, if you've ever been a kid that felt you had to fit in slightly just to keep sane or a kid currently walking in the shoes of a non dreamer then trust you can relate to where this tale is heading. My community was very small, but I realised rather quick that there was a lot to learn if I had hoped to blend in, so I became a keen observer. I was bent on imitating any actions that would stimulate a positive response whilst avoiding lengthy conversations and conveying a sense of involvement and boy oh boy did I learn quick.There was one question that all the kids got asked in my community growing up and it stuck with me till this very day (it's still on auto replay in my most silent of moments) - what do you want to be when you grow up. See the one thing apart from classwork that I was really good at was dancing. Where I'm from dancing moved mountains and I was amongst the best, it came so naturally I had no reason to dream of wanting to be a well known dancer, plus it always seemed tied to envy (you'll learn that's the price for talent), and since I wasn't fond of any subjects at school, just doing them because I had to, none stemmed any DREAMS. So I fell back, and I listened day after day as the other kids would answer this question, hoping no one would ask me until I had the 'perfect' answer. It took me a short while but I realised the answers that recieved the most 'awe' was doctors and lawyers. Then I realised the kids that answered 'doctor' got bombarded with more questions than the ones who said lawyers - what type of doctor, why, do you know how hard and long you have to study, what hospital, you wanna be the one to cure blah blah, you have to learn what 'so and so' means, I'll test you on the meanings next time I see you, blah blah blah. See the beauty of growing up in the ghetto is almost everyone assumes when you say lawyer you're talking about criminal law so the questions became jokes (about freeing family members and contesting cops) rather than actual questions. This made it easy for me to just nod, laugh and smile like clockwork with each response. And that was how my journey of saying I want to be a lawyer began.
I was so good at faking this grand aspiration that I genuinely believed myself each time somebody asked me growing up what I wanted to be or do in life. Truth is the moment the convo was finished the charade took a backseat awaiting its next performance and I would return to being the guy with no dreams. Eventually, time passed, I moved abroad and realised I'm a wordsmith of sorts, and after several compliments I started to wonder what professions contain successful writers and there folks was the onset of my "I want to be a journalist" phase. And with absolutely no drive or care I created another charade, this time with the hopes of fooling myself first. Anytime I was asked the infamous question my answer would now be "Journalism. Any form of journalism. I just want to write." and if that answer led to more questions then I would suddenly kickstart my oh "or a lawyer" performance, because let's face it I was a pro at that 'monologue, easy to handle if spiraled into a dialogue' show - I could politely wrap that up in my sleep. The fact still remained I had no real dream or aspirations. Time passed and with it came the opportunity to study law and I remember thinking this is it, what if destiny just designed my whole childhood to bring me to this point so I can transform my lie into a full blown career. My family members was overjoyed to know I was studying law, where I'm from people say they want to pursue it but following through was so rare I have no comparisons worthy, but there I was. Little ole me studying law. I confirmed quickly what I knew from the beginning - I HAVE NOR HAD NO LOVE FOR PRACTISING LAW! So that facade dissolved quickly thanks to fate. At that same point in time I was studying English I thought ok law is no hope maybe my feet should be in the deep end of journalism, so let's better my writing techniques and later apply to journalism school. Boy that failed so bad, my feet took a wonderful trip spiraling into the welcoming arms of HELL NO rather than trotting towards that stage to collect that sexy Pulitzer prize honey. I didn't know what was left. They weren't dreams but there was some speck of hope tied up in there success when they were a possibility, you know?
Anyway, long story short, door after door closed, and as the house felt darker and darker, I felt nothing but faith. Just faith! She's been there all along. Faith was there when that kid decided he wasn't going to be hated for his idiosyncrasies anymore, and when he began to observe in order to learn how to fit in, and when he told himself that one day he'll leave his neighbourhood and achieve more than it could offer; and there when the same boy learned to only trust the fool in the mirror; and when he chose to only have that same fool as a role model; and when that same kid started trusting his instincts; and faith was there when the kid tuened into a teenager that felt no sense of care in regards to other's opinions; and when opportunities that others in his surroundings could only dream of appeared and he jumped at them all; she was there through failures, job rejections and the revelation that a simply no to this or that, opens a path for something possibly better and greater; she was there through the burial of every secret and in the passenger seat when every wrong turn led down a rocky road; and when the same teenager that threw caution to the wind, took life by the balls and just said "F 'em all imma be great someday"!; and she's been there as he forged himself into a man. Faith, that's all you need.
I got to a point I was working a job I knew would inevitably end, thank god, and there I was on the clock, digressing and I stumbled upon an ad about applying for acting. Eventually, I went to an audition for an acting school and they were playing this scene from a film on the big screen and my eyes surprisingly started to well up because in that moment I knew without a shadow of a doubt what I wanted to do for sure. I WANT TO ACT. No more facades for me, unless it's scripted haha. Some people would say you concocted a performance of wanting to be a lawyer and journalist your whole life, as well as told and acted out stories in class to amuse others constantly and you had no idea you had a passion for acting, clueless much lol. In all honesty, I've never been a dreamer and I don't consider becoming a successful Actor to be a dream more like destiny. DESTINY, remember her - in some ways she's like your hearts unspokened dreams and she always comes true especially when driven by positivity. I don't care about the questions that follow I just know it's gonna happen because I have faith and it's destined! It took me 26 years to figure that out and I say that to say this to you, whether you're 6, 16, 26, 36, 56, 86 or whatever, and whether you're a dreamer or not, whether you know without a shadow of doubt what your purpose is in this world or you're just trying find your feet in a sea of overbearing critics don't question life's plans just pursue and have faith everything will work out in your favour. My heyday will come and so will yours! No one can stop a legend honey, REMEMBER THAT!!! In the words of MY MOM the LEGENDARY QUEEN herself "we all have our time and when it's your time, no one can stop it baby!"
