Sidenote: I have recently been sentenced to performing what I hope is a temporary but can conclude, very sad AM routine (as a consequence of playing mediator in an ongoing battle between Hypnos and my very determined inner insomniac, to help find an healthy medium). This routine involves waking up after 1-3hours sleep in the early AM and cleaning to my heart's content as I painfully wish sleep remembers I am still in dire need of possession. I digress... the following day after this date of mines, I found myself embarking upon my tedious AM routine and in the midst of me taking out the trash, I was suddenly attacked by this sudden gush of cold air, and right there, rocking my helpless tank top, sitting on the steps of my front porch being cuddled by summer's charade-ish efforts to mimic winter a revelation slapped me in the face. Within minutes I was standing on the mental train (Haye route) down memory lane, each stop was a year filled with shortcomings and before I knew it the rueful expression stemmed from flashbacks of 2010 slowly turned into a puzzling smile as I made my way into the new scenery of 2019 and there I was face to face with the young man from my recent date, sitting around a table, trying to politely gorge down a chessy entreè and admiring my mediocre efforts to stretch a bottle of wine into lasting 3 courses. Suddenly his face became distorted and in a miserable attempt to gain focus, I intentionally look away in the hopes that once my attention reaches his eyes once more, clarity would kindly follow. But as I raised my head, there it was ladies and gentlemen - CLARITY! I was no longer dining with this stranger, instead I was face to face with myself!
It took the hardness of my dirty steps and shivering in the facade reenactment of my favourite season, not the comfort of joyful dining leather chairs, nor the warmth of a cute stranger to finally get a slap in the face from the universe. (Sidenote: may I add this is in no way me saying you don't have to drift further than 2cm from your home to gain clarity - bitch get off your couch and make tge most of your life! If there's anything you should take away from this story, it's that a seal was broken and because of my desire to pursue, I've now open the door to the dating realm once again - can't do that just lazying about now - can you sugar!?!?!) ANYWAY BACK TO THE TALE OF THE HOPELESS YET SUCCESSFUL YOUNG MAN MENTIONED IN THE TITLE!
See lately or maybe for quite a while now, I have been questioning the degree of proudness I have for the individual's soul I've held captive till death do us part. Has he been smart in his decision making skills? Has he learned from the pain, joy and hard work that has been inflicted upon him? Is he hidding a modicum of bitterness for the way life has turned out? And the questions continue. See this boy I dated is not the me I know now, he's more like a sympathetic yet brave and candid hybrid of my past and my future (at least a version of my future self that would've came to be if I had taken the high road rather than making a lot of alleyway decisions to get what I desired. In a strange way I saw the pros and cons of my character through this guy. I knew if I hadn't kicked what he's enduring now in the butt centuries ago or even stayed on a path I deserted a lifetime ago then no doubt I would be dealing with my personality twin. Despite how better off he may have seemed compared to myself I can safely say I didn't envy him in the slightest. Sitting there on my steps I could only smile in glee for the growth I've since made, for I feel as though I'm a better man in spite of these so called "mistakes" or for a lack of a better word, "choices" I've made. He's in a place I've long excelled from and I wish him luck on his journey to recovery just like I did the man in the mirror.
To make a very long story short not many of us get to see a glimpse of who we would've possibly become had we not had made the "mistakes", choices or decisions we've made but no sadness should exist due to this, for you still have the power to determine or change how you feel about yourself. If you're not proud of you... Then start finding ways to be. I advise you start by doing what you love, especially the simple things e.g. read more, dance, write, sing, teach, motivate, attend events you never thought you would and while you're at it learn how to say NO to things that makes you unhappy. Because as Akil once said Rosa Parks made us aware of the most powerful word in the dictionary - NO - and in it lies more power, change and self love than you will ever truly grasp. And talking about self love I strongly advise you simply give yourself at least one compliment a day because as anyone who knows Akil can tell you I may be the "King of Sloth" but I'm also the "King of Self love" baby. See what I did there haha.
