I've been having a lot of flashbacks lately. Well to be fair I've been having them for awhile now they've just became more frequent lately - within the last month to be specific. Whenever eerie shit like this starts to happen I always ask why. Who wouldn't? Whenever you see flashbacks in the movies there's always some colossal shit storm conclusion coming and to be honest I don't have time for a storm, some quiet would be nice. I know my recent change in living conditions has triggered this sudden flood of reminiscence, and subconscious desire to value memory while working on my mental wellbeing but this seems like overkill. My concern is the cosmic lesson or endgame these flashbacks are leading too. The thing is these flashbacks have opened so many doors to things I honestly forgot and now my mind is playing the "analyze and blame your self" game and I really don't give a rat's ass about indulging in this mindf**king experience, I don't even want to write this post I'm just hoping some clarity f**king strikes so I can stop this bloodsport between my past and my present. I'm trying hard to use the polite side of my tongue but right now I sense a lot of F**K F**K F**K emerging in this post.
So many things were forgotten, I just don't get the purpose of this bulls**t time capsule action taking place now. If only life could speak...
I had this moment earlier, I had finished washing the dishes and as I was wiping the countertops I paused, frozen, and I had a flashback. When I was seven something happened and I began seeing the bad in people and I remember mentally starting my list of "nevers": it was a list of things I'll never do, or allow to happen, situations I'll never be in and so forth. Let's just say the past three years made that lifelong list seem like a joke. So much had happened and I guessed I failed to acknowledge or consider the consequences that will stem from my decisions. I can't even justify my actions because they were "nevers" for a reason. I wish I could say I felt ashamed or disappointed in the slightest but I don't, though I feel like I should be. Since the year as started I've been feeling this sense of worry creeping up and I can admit I've tried my best to ignore it. But I'm worried! I've been avoiding doing two things lately (one of which relates to a matter that kickstarted the list) and I can't seem to pull myself together to do what needs to be done. I've been telling myself for a very long time that I've been fighting many battles but I've failed to nitice my efforts may have been an illusion. Deep down I probably feel I've lost the war but I'm too scared to admit it and lay down my arms... As the kids would say FML.
Growing up, I was always brutal when it came to telling others the truth about themselves but I was 10 times as harsh on myself. Somewhere along the line I thought I endured too much why not give myself a break and then before I knew it giving myself a break became a 24hrs job. I was feeling free.
Several people tend to ask me why I'm always so positive and optimistic - the sad and I mean very sad truth is as a kid I taught myself to be. And trust there was a lot of pain along the way before I mastered those two successes. I remember me: he was so pessimistic and cared very little about joy but luckily he had an epiphany (yes they exist!) and realised he would be stuck in a loop of solitary displeasement because he was not allowing himself the opportunity to truly enjoy life. I decided early on I didn't want to be that person. So I began observing others; I learned when to smile and when to laugh, certain mannerism, things to say, then I taught myself much later how to be positive. I think I even taught myself to love. If you want some real honesty then you should know for the longest time I didn't know how I truly felt about much I just went through the motions, laugh when I thought I should, etc. I would like to say I am proud of who I am but who gives a shit, being proud was never a goal. I'm ok with the growth and the strength of the kid I'll leave it at that. I think I'm drawn to acting because subconsciously it feels so natural. I keep thinking about the poem I once wrote for this very blog a million years ago "Solitude's companion" and I admit it I'm lost, I've known that for a while...
Why did we digress? Sorry. I seldom expressed we should all face the consequences of our actions, but I don't think I can face mines not after everything I've remembered and the lines I've stupidly crossed. Never regret anything is on my list, not because I know I'll never be able to relive a moment, it's because in those moments I had a CHOICE to do what was just, self beneficial or right but... Sometimes I wish I had just left the kid to be a kid you know, leave him to just dance without shame, grow up without the burdens, risks and callousness but what's done is done, a dark cloud is what we signed up for. In time we'll say a prayer and continue to hope for the best.
I need a break, I'm over this f**king blogging shit.
