Dear Mom,

I feel like this is something I have to write because if anyone knows how bad I am at verbally expressing anything it’s you, so here it is in writing.

Early this year, I found myself lying down and I was thinking about everything that happened over the past decade and I realize how much I accomplished and how far I came and truth be told I didn’t expect to achieve all that, not even close. At one point, I thought with everything we’ve been through as a family, I had to do a lot of things for you and the little one you blessed us both with and so I became this person that you didn’t even recognize and no matter how hard you tried I just decided to shut you out and so you felt it was just best to be grateful for the side of me you do get see. I decided this year to just stop for a while and try to see how it felt to do something for me for once and I understand now that it was extremely selfish to think that, especially after everything that took place last year but I want you to know that I’m sorry because when it comes to us three there’s no room for selfishness - of all people I should know that. Sometimes I feel like I hurt you more than I hurt myself and honestly speaking that scares me.

I never told you but I always admired everything about you growing up. You have so much faith, confidence, ambition, courage, strength, you’re humble, hard-working, fair, loving, honest, down to earth, loyal, one in 69 trillion and unbelievably beautiful (still got the best looking eyes this planet has seen for the past 60 centuries) and I thought with qualities like that how could someone be so selfless and still have such a big heart and not be vain or manipulative - I thought if you weren’t an angel then who was. We’ve been through a lot these few years and if I’m honest I found out you’re more human than I thought and I thank God every day because I saw the lengths you were willing to go to get what you want and I decided I was going to do whatever necessary to get what I want too. Right now I wish I could say you grew me up to be a man we could both be proud of but I can’t, at least not yet; however, I can say I’m going to do you proud though, that I swear. I’m a very capricious person, you are one of three people in the world that’s witness that first-hand and I thank you for everything you’ve done for me under the circumstances. I know that’s not something you hear from me enough but thank you never seems enough to me, but I really appreciate everything - absolutely everything.

You taught me that I’m different and that’s something I have to be proud of, it’s not worth hiding. You taught me that I’m blessed and whether or not I like it or know it I was born to make a difference and giving up is not even worth thinking about. You always said everything you do is for your two children and I’ve seen that's true every day through your actions and that has taught me to be a man of my word. Everything you’ve done defines strength and you've done it as a single mom, so believe me when I say there’s no one else in this world I respect more.

You always said think about the far future, don’t really focus on tomorrow and I’ve always lived by that; well, see the future has a lot in store for us, changes you can’t even imagine, I’ve seen it! The good thing is the one thing our triangle has always been good at is bouncing back so starting now ma, let’s do what we’re good at and start moving and striving again. Just remember you always said “we’re survivors and in Jesus name we already made it” – right now we’re just filling in the blanks. I know after everything you can’t help but worry about me but try to worry less, remember I’m your kid, I’m not planning on letting anything or anyone stop me from getting what’s mine in this life, neither is your little daughter – trust me. I love you and my remarkable chubby sister, more than you know.

Love,

One of Your Many Blessings

P.S. Ann-Fernee I know you would kill me if I did not give you a shout out so baby sis, there you go, so like you always say CHEERS TO OUR TRIANGLE!!!

Solitude’s Companion (A narrative poem)

I woke up this morning

contemplating on the story of a lost boy

the one that ran away,

they said when he ran he did the right thing,

I always found myself asking why,

They said before he ran he always had this look in his eye

one that spoke more than he did;

they said there’s not much difference

between the way he lived his life before and

the way he lives his life now

they said, that bagpack you see him with,

that’s how he’d always carry around life’s baggage,

he had the whole world on his shoulders,

we’d be damned if we even knew his real name

they said.

I always asked, where he went?

Did he have any family willing to help him?

They said it didn’t matter where he went or who he saw,

he’s not intending on letting anyone see

the reflection he sees,

but he’ll be fine.

I always asked how do you know?

They said because he’s been lost his whole life

only thing he fears is being found,

and we know that’s not so bad, right?

He’s used to floors, begging mostly,

Smacked around by pain so much, he’s gone numb,

but the great thing about him is

he’s forgotten.

Forgotten?

Yeah, how to dream, wish, hope – expect!

He thinks good is something that hides behind

darkness, selfishness and religious morality,

that happiness is just a word,

and charity is what he is,

so maybe it’s better he stays lost.

You want to know how it ended for him?

He came upon a crossroad,

each turn reflecting a part of him,

but only one reflecting what he desires,

And you know what?

He took the road he was most familiar with

and he was determined not to turn back.

What a child, eh?

This poem speaks about a boy who lost everything growing up and as a result he gave up believing that the world had anything to offer him. Every time it came to getting to know new faces or getting accustom to new places he remembers fitting in was never something that appealed to his nature and so he starts to run again. The boy represents a lot of us in society, who feels as though we’ve lost ourselves due to past circumstances. The poem states that we all have the opportunity to receive more than we could ever imagine in life but due to being lost for so long hope, faith and all the other great things life expect us to have seems too good to believe in much less have any effect at all on our lives. The poem concludes by showing that somewhere down the line similarly to the boy we all reach a form of crossroads in our lives, a point in which we’re given the opportunity to better our lives and a lot of us would take advantage of this by traveling a new path but the rest of us well like the old saying once said “better the devil you know than the angel you don’t.”

Secrets and Choices

“We are our choices” – Jean-Paul Sartre

It’s funny how your whole world can change in a week and it’s funny the choices you find yourself having to make when it does, but what’s worst is how quickly you find yourself going against everything you once stood for just to dig yourself out of a bad situation. We hear constantly life’s unpredictable, you just have to stay strong, remain optimistic and things will change, the thing about it is in order to bring forth change you’ll need to make some really big decisions and a lot of times you might find yourself beset by thoughts that are neither honorable nor considerate when faced with these choices.  So, what do you do when your way out results in you having to do something really selfish or better yet heinous?

I was always a fan of running; I thought if you leave the past in the past, learn to put one foot in front of the other without looking back, then hopefully the past will choose to remain in the past, but life has a way of digging up graves and dragging the bones directly to your doorstep. I guess what I’m trying to say is we all keep secrets, little ones, big ones it seems to matter less and less in a world like this, what really matters is the lengths we go to to keep them hidden. Some of us get lost keeping them, we find ourselves having to create more lies to cover up the ones we already told and before you know it we find that we’re in over our heads (I think is the phrase to use) with too many tales to remember. They say our secrets and the choices we make, makes us who we are today, that it defines us or whatever, well if that’s true then we’re all cowards as well as courageous idiots in my opinion but we’re too blind to see it. I think the worst thing about secrets is how foolish it leaves us; you start to think that maybe something can stay hidden forever or that you need to do anything necessary to ensure it stays hidden forever, but maybe the effects of exposing it won’t be as calamitous as you would like to think, maybe those around you will understand or help you in some way or maybe that’s just stupidity talking.

I think in life your secrets are yours to deal with and so are your choices and yes they affect those around you in more ways than you can imagine but it is what it is. I always thought that if you made a horrible decision then it’s only fair you take responsibility for it rather than dwelling on what could have been done differently or why it had to happen to you to begin with. Main point is you have a choice to make when it comes to your secrets and it’s simple, do you want to keep hiding and running or are you ready to face the consequences it bring? Either way I say do whatever you want but prepare yourself for if/when it catches up with you because apparently what’s done in the darkness must come to light – or something along those lines. I always said growing up “hope for the best but prepare for the worst.”

"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives" - Richard Bach.

"Too often in life, something happens and we blame other people for us not being happy or satisfied or fulfilled. So the point is, we all have choices, and we make the choice to accept people or situations or to not accept situations." - Tom Brady.

Just give up!

I’ve notice that I’ve written a lot surrounding the importance of not giving up lately and though that’s a message I think we should all take heed of I feel I should have pointed out the importance of giving up too, especially when you know in your heart it’s the right thing to do. This week I came across someone that reminded me about the conflict that takes place between a devoted heart and an unwilling mind… I feel as though we struggle with the easiest choices sometimes, but we choose to question our thoughts and actions due to feeling that the past we’re so accustomed to is a safer option to live with than taking a risk and embracing something that could potentially be better. The thing about life is safety will always be an illusion and the future, well that will always be a mystery but it eventually becomes your reality and whether you like it or not illusions are false for a reason.

Don’t dwell on the past too much, apparently with a little faith if it’s meant to be it will.

I digress, sorry! Giving up is difficult for a lot of us and it’s rare you’ll come across someone that definitely understands how hard it is for you to go ahead and turn your back on something or someone you care dearly about. We find that a lot of time we need support or guidance through the toughest times and even later down the line after countless comforting speeches we're still left feeling empty. Please don’t repeat past mistakes because of feelings of loneliness or emptiness it’s not worth it; if you know it was right to give up on then move on, just keep moving! It's time you learn how to live for YOU, acknowledge it’s time for a change and then use each day to focus on something different like creating new  goals for the future or starting new hobbies that may interest you.

I usually find it’s easier when you take it one day at a time, surround yourself with good company learn to smile then laugh, learn to accept your flaws, take responsibility, reach a point of self-actualization and embrace new situations or things especially the scary ones – just enjoy the feeling of freedom. So as I was saying earlier I feel we struggle with the easiest choices in life because of the fear of letting go but unless we give up how can we move on? Just remember because something is coming to an end doesn’t mean life has nothing more to offer you.

“To make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from”. T.S Eliot.

Keep tryin’ (Part 3)

“I’ve tried to cut these corners, try to take the easy way out, I kept on falling short of something. I coulda gave up then, but then again I couldn’t have ‘cause I’ve travelled all this way for something.” – Imagine Dragons.

I’ve been guilty of taking a few short cuts in life to get what I want, but I always find that I end up missing out on something significant or the consequences always comes back to bite me in the a… The thing about life is it seems to pave two different paths: one path seems to be this long, never-ending pathway to what we desire and the other seems to be filled with short cuts – these moments of temptation we can’t help but acknowledge. Funny thing about it is like everything in life that is short and rushed it never ends up perfect or fulfilling and like every other thing consumed by temptation you always seem to want more. Usually some of us find out that taking the easy routes through life is all we want to do and majority of the times that always leads back to feeling unsatisfied, which then leads to you wanting to give up – Don’t!

Sometimes all you need to do in life is reflect on the multiple times you could’ve given up in the past, acknowledge that maybe you’ve been through a lot worse; and acknowledge that you came all this way to do more than just surrender; just acknowledge you’re meant for more. Keep trying! Those are two words worth moulding your life around. I feel sometimes it’s best to believe that after darkness comes dawn, after lows comes highs and behind every valley lies a mountain and once you conquer that mountain it’s your time to live your dream - but unless you’re willing to keep going, to keep on trying then you won’t achieve much, will you? Keep Trying!

“I’ve had the highest mountains, I’ve had the deepest rivers, you can have it all but life keeps moving, NOW take it in but don’t look down.” - Imagine Dragons (Song: On top of the world).

“Keep trying because life’s worth it” - AKLH

Keep tryin’ (Part 2)

For whatever reason there are some people in life that we feel the need to give up on; we may feel that it has reached the point in which we just have to admit that we’ve given them too many chances, they’ve blown it and now it’s time to throw in the towel. It would be wrong for me to tell you that you should not give up on these types of people, but I think it’s wise to take some time out to sit down and reflect on how much you’ll be giving up and the difference these people could make in your life if you keep them around.

I think sometimes because of the high expectations we hold in our minds or heart of our close ones we forget that despite how well we think we know them they’re still unpredictable . Even though, we feel it should be simple for them to do what we feel is the right thing it may not be as easy for them as we would like to think; the important thing to acknowledge sometimes is the courageous effort they put into continually trying. A lot of times we fail to take heed of the degree of goodness these types of people emit in our lives due to the bad things they’ve done outweighing the good.

I understand that sometimes giving up may seem like the only thing to do if there’s any hope of helping both you and this person but I’m just saying make sure when your giving up you can wholeheartedly say you’ve tried to help this person as much as you could because they might feel that if you give up on them then they should give up on themself as well.  Maybe it’s time to start motivating people more, let them know that some form of change or progress has to  manifest for you to keep trying, let them know that you only want the best for them and that as long as they evidently keep trying you’ll do the same.

 

“Expect people to be better than they are; it helps them to become better. But don’t be disappointed when they are not; it helps them to keep trying” – Merry Browne.

Keep Tryin’ (Part 1)

“Don’t ever give up. You gotta keep trying, and never give up.” - Ryan Sheckler.

Sometimes there comes a point we hit a brick wall or just feel as though we’ve reached the end of the road, a point in which we find ourselves contemplating on whether or not we should just give up or continue trying. The thing you might want to remember when you reach that point is that giving up is very easy and the result of doing it never lead to changes or progression, but repeatedly trying takes courage and by doing so who knows where you might end up - main thing is you’ll progress.

There’s a famous proverb from Thomas H. Palmer that says “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again” and it’s easy to hear these sayings and say you will, especially when your life’s going great but you never truly know how much effort you’re willing to make unless you’re battling adversity. I could sit here and write millions of uplifting quotes about the importance of persistently trying in life, but unless you’re willing to try and make a difference in your life it makes no difference what I have to say.

I find that whenever we’ve reached breaking point we seek inspiration from the lives of others, we seek advice or support from those around us and that’s fine, but I once read advice is something we seek when we already know the answers to the questions we are asking but find ourselves too overwhelmed by fear to act without approval. I think all the inspiration you need is in the mirror, it’s in the footsteps you leave, the inner courage you underestimate and more importantly it’s in the vision you have for your life. Trying is easier than you think just remember the people you’re inspired by faces brick walls too but they didn’t give up so don’t make that an option for yourself.

“To fail is a natural consequence of trying; to succeed takes time and prolonged effort in the face of unfriendly odds. To think it will be any other way, no matter what you do, is to invite yourself to be hurt and to limit your enthusiasm for trying again.” - David Viscott.

BlogLovin

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/6306155/?claim=n452464e7w3">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Structure

Some say it’s better to picture a house and the process it undergoes before it becomes a home. They say before the house is built there has to be a plan, a structure of some sort, and once it’s a house further structuring will be needed if there’s any hope of creating the perfect home you pictured. They say it’s the same with life, we have these little plans that we put in motion hoping it leads to this remarkable picture we have in our minds, but a lot of us fail to acknowledge the importance of structuring everything that lies within those little plans.

With only 24 hours in a day, a lot of us may find that having some form of structure throughout the day keeps us sane - helps us to get from point A to B easier and quicker – usually these daily objectives are performed with a larger goal in mind and we know by following a particular schedule or plan we’ll accomplish something greater. But what if structure is just not your thing? What if planning your whole life around your apparent lifetime dream just seem too restrictive and stressful to think about?  What if you just want to go about life doing whatever, in the hope it leads to something tolerable or remarkable? I don’t think lacking structure in your life prevents you from accomplishing just as much as anyone else that structured their path to success; it just means you’re wired differently, open to unpredictability, and you choose to let your life find its own structure rather than forcing it to be this perfect image you mentally designed.

Structure or not life has a way of surprising us all; structure or not failure is something you may have to face and if you do it’s best you keep going: if you need structure then create a plan B, if you don’t need it then stop and think about what to do next but more importantly do what makes you happy. Personally, I think structure like many things in life is overrated, it may be needed but it’s overrated. I think it’s best to do joyous things that leads to something you’ll be proud of, rather than doing things you feel you have to (despite not being happy with), in the hopes it would lead to something you dreamed about but not entirely sure will leave you feeling content in the end. Sometimes life has a structure already laid out for us, one that could bring about more than we ever imagined, but because we’ve got other plans…

“Structure is one of the things that I always hope will reveal itself to me.” - Richard Russo

Companionship

Some of us can say we’re quite individualistic despite projecting the norms and attitudes associated with our tight-knit social circles or cultures; some of us can honestly say our actions are purely self-decided, that they’re not influenced by others, that we create our own path rather than happily follow the trail of someone else’s and that’s good. Some of us anomalies might find we’re so confident being individualists that we lack the ability to recognize that we’ve become so independent that the need for companionship and trust seem like an alien emotion or feeling. Eventually, we might even become so self-involve and prideful that we start to feel that we can solve all our problems on our own… but there comes a time we find that we may need help, that we might need someone to confide in or just lean on and it’s in these moments that even the most strong-minded individuals find themselves battling that dire need for companionship.

Trust is a factor that is extremely essential to have in all our lives; you get some of us who choose to dish it out more often than society chooses to throw around the word “love”; you get others who choose to reserve it for those they feel rightfully deserve it; and then you get those of us who choose not to trust at all. Even though, we’re not aware of it we choose to trust those around us a lot more than we think, for example, you go to a restaurant you trust they’re obeying hygiene standards when preparing your food and then you trust they won’t leave you feeling sick after your consumption. However, the difference between subconsciously and consciously trusting someone is understandably major, so for those of us who choose not to trust the people we’re really close to, usually find that they’ve become so accustomed to seclusion that they lose out on some really great friendships.

Great friends are hard to find in this world and sometimes previous experiences of distrust and betrayal can leave you feeling as though the pain of trusting again is not worth it. Sometimes, you’ll find that if you live your life around this feeling then all life has to offer you is loneliness, tedious daily routines and welcoming periods of melancholy (if that’s what you need then feel free to not trust anyone at all). But I think it’s worth it to have one or two companions maybe even a few more if you wish, that way you have someone to turn to in times of turmoil. Companionship leads to friendship, to get there you have to learn to trust someone or something you feel comfortable around, knowing they accept you and you accept them for who they are, with the unbearable will to be honest at all cost due to having the other’s best interest at heart.

“A companion loves some agreeable qualities which a man may possess, but a friend loves the man himself.” - James Boswell.