Let me keep bleeding out - I'll be fine.

There's an unreleased post I wrote some time ago called "Where am I", not sure I'll ever release it but that's a question I ask myself a lot. WHERE AM I! I guess the only definite answer is where I'm supposed to be.

I can’t begin to tell you how much has changed for me within the span of a week: I moved countries, started taking care of a loved one, I’m unemployed (I feel like a complete novice to no-job-land and I’m rapidly feeling the effects); and I’m starting to feel like I’m fighting a losing battle on all front - me of all people, I don’t think you truly understand how rare that is.

I moved across the ocean last Sunday and within the span of 5 hours after landing I started my job hunt; I stayed on that vicious hunt until Thursday. Thursday oh Thursday, what can I say about you... Thursday I found myself reconnecting with an ex - a 4 hour conversation I doubt either of us would ever forget. It’s ridiculous how much pain a simple “Hi, I hope you’re doing well” text can hash up and how much can stem from a simple catch up after that said text. I remember growing up I kept saying I would stay away from any form of romantic involvement because my soul is not equipped to feel what the heart is supposedly meant to feel, and I knew without a doubt I would end up hurting anyone that tried to get close and, lo and behold, exhibit A. It’s so strange because I’ve walked into these intimate situations making it very clear I desire absolutely nothing serious but yet I ended up being the bad billy goat once the dust had settled. The truth is I wish I felt how I was supposed to feel or at least how others wanted me to feel but I don’t. Or maybe the truth is I don’t hope to feel that way at all because I don’t care to.


I am tired of hearing the words “I have faith in you” because I don’t know what it means nor does your actions support the words you utter. I am tired of feeling as though I owe anyone more than what I have already given. Even though I bleed, I feel no remorse for the person I’ve become and I don’t want nor need your sympathy, empathy, numerous chances or for you to 'have faith in me' because I only truly care how I feel about me. I’ll find my way, just let me bleed for now until I’m ready to wrap this wound up and carry on the good fight. As for you, your battle is your battle, pick a weapon of your choosing and good luck. And if you find yourself down at any point just know the only person you need, to get up on carry on is YOU! So to the person I hurt on Friday/Saturday I guess all I can say is you deserve the best and I hope life grants you just that - but I'll never be apart of YOUR BEST. I think we both know that but I hope we don’t become “strangers in the new”.

I’ve learned that I need to accept that I no longer share the same traits as I once possessed; however, if I desire to be someone I respect then I need to work on gaining some of those traits back. I was once unfiltered, candid and free spirited, I miss that. Now I’m just a liar because I adapted this "cautious of hurting others mentality" and as a result I tiptoed around the truth more times than necessary and if I’m honest I feel like scum, or do I? I really don’t know how I feel - I think I’ve spent the majority of my life just trying to feel and then here we are, in this moment, trying to work out if I genuinely feel anything at all or am I conjuring up synthetic emotions to not seem cold. I can admit with everything that I’ve endured recently I feel something, I’m just not sure how to describe it. It’s not remorse or sadness, it’s not hurt or upset-ness, it’s definitely not happiness - I don’t know how I feel but I do know I sincerely wish us all the best in our separate endeavors. Honesty, I missed just being point blank honest. I hear a lot of talk about people gaining everything they ever wanted in life and I think that's amazing. People say you don't have to choose between love and a career, you can have them both... I agree. I don't care to be one of those people - I would choose a career over finding the love of my life any day: If you had ask me to choose between the two a decade ago I probably would of chosen the latter but this is not 2009 now is it. I doubt I would of then too, my heart is not in the game if I’m being frank, so if that’s your aim...


Moving on, I think I’ve taken on more than I can handle and I need to start making some tough choices if I hope to accomplish anything at all. I haven't been devoting 100% effort into anything I do because I find myself trying to successfully achieve them all at once and it's unlike me to not exert my best. Ironically, as I’m writing this I’m coming home from an audition with a very reputable modelling and acting agency and I received a call back but I’m not sure once again how I feel. I’m not overjoyed or happy in the slightest. A part of me feels as though I didn’t deserve the call whereas another part of me just feels unbothered - which is very strange since this is a magnificent opportunity and something that could really open the doors I want to open (*WANT* I feel as though I should take heed of that choice of word), not to mention I’ve been in this new country less than a week and I’ve already accomplish something this massive. But I'm guessing I'm just dwelling on the fact that I could have done a lot better than I did at the audition. On another note, I put more energy into these blog posts than I do my other creative platforms and that’s worrying because this is at the bottom of my lists of current interests and fascinations to contribute my energy and efforts towards developing but yet here I am. The progress on my collection of poems has taken a left turn down stagnant lane. The music is still awaiting off-paper permission and the acting, well there’s been no practice due to my job hunt and daily activities taking priority. I feel like I’m one role seeking another role at this point - not even a person just striving to make greatness his reality. That’s just sad but unfortunately I don’t feel sad about it.

It’s weird I spoke to someone awhile back and they expressed that they love this blog because it’s as though I’m speaking to myself and I’m glad they had came to that conclusion and expressed it to me because that analysis meant a lot. As a writer if your words can make people capture your intentions without you literally saying it then you just created magic baby. Whenever I write these pieces (any form of writing whether poem, music, etc) I just give my fingertips permission to wriiiite, sometimes my mind is absent in that moment - completely blank, and in the end I hope that my soul has expressed what it really wants me to acknowledge, feel or respond to. After reading this very blog post for the sixtieth time it's safe to say  I've got detachment issues and I know I need to focus on connecting not so specifically with people but my emotions. I don’t think I’ve truly been hurt in a very very very long time and as sad as it sounds I miss the feeling, so for now I’ll take these pathetic light jabs life enjoys throwing, until I’m ready to fight back. For now I just want to bleed, stare at this outpour, sit here and cross my fingers that I'll feel something in the process. But regardless I know staying down is not my destiny so CHEERS to the blood, sweat and tears that will come and toast to the successes that will follow. It’s time to work on honesty folks! What do you need to work on the most?

Here's a drink and a suitcase filled with well wishes for the road... BYE!

I recently left a job I had been working for what felt like a lifetime and I must say I feel relieved. I recently started to share my work with the public and I must say I feel alright about it. I recently decided it was time to pack my bag and do what was meant to be done a year ago and to be honest I found myself conflicted.

In regards to the job, in the end I learned I needed to work in that environment in order to get the mentality I have now. In my time spent there I learned the art of being reserved and not being highly opinionated or better yet when to argue my point and when not too. Also, I learned the art of prioritising but most importantly I learned the specifics I will never want to endure again. Can you tell how coy I'm being in my approach right now - that's because the job also taught me not to burn bridges too quickly hahaha something I enjoyed a little too much growing up. All in all I met some wonderful people and I strongly hope like myself they do exactly what the title of that racist horror film directed by Jordan Peele instructed! It took some time but I finally understood that an organisation will always be selfish - you're replaceable and underappreciated no matter how celebrated you are or how much work you contribute. Therefore, You need to start focusing on yourself and getting the most out of what you have to offer as an individual. Think of yourself as an organisation (please know I use that sentence very loosely). I simply mean understand business is business and anyone who is not in favour of your direction then do not feel remorseful about cutting them off, wishing them well and continuing to create your vision. YOUR HAPPINESS, SUCCESS OR GROWTH should not be put on the back burner.

Sharing my hobbies/work publicly and turning it into a possible career path has been something I'm not over the moon about but I do feel has to be done. I always said a lot of people hindered themselves from being GREAT by being the primary obstacle on their own path and I would hate to know I did that cometh the inevitable fool we called DEATH. If you want to pursue anything in this life you have to know it starts with an application. When I say that I'm not necessarily talking about an application form, I'm talking about APPLYING YOURSELF - putting forth some degree of effort to get to where you see yourself later down the line in this mysterious intangible wonder we like to call life. I say BE YOU, speak openly about your truth and let the pieces fall where they may. Don't stop yourself from being an inspiration in a world in dire need of inspiration.

Last but not least the new journey ahead... All I will say is we must do what we must do for the reasons we feel we should but always keep in mind if you don't look after number 1 then you're of no use to others. Believe it or not building your story is the only full time job you'll ever have in this life don't let those accumulated shifts of 50 hours per week make you think otherwise. Though it may not pay off in bags of notes, it pays off in more ways than you can ever fathom and that's why there's no greater satisfaction than to work on being the best version of yourself you can possibly be. AIM HIGH - REALLY HIGH! What I've learned is everything can be taught and adapted in this world so find your passion or interests, open your mind to challenges and aim to learn the most before trying to be the best. No harm in failing as long as you pick yourself up and TRY AGAIN! I feel as though we're overlooking the fact that as humans we can only "TRY" : we can only try to make the most out of the cards we've been dealt, *I feel like I said this already in a past post - déjà vu must be on a rampage my child hahahaa*.

Ps. To the lovely soul (you're the best) who asked me why give your all and exert all this effort only for life to then serve you less than what you set out to accomplish, all I can say is if you didn't exert any effort for anything then all you'd be able to say is that you accomplished NOTHING! Where's the fun in that? Hell, we probably would not have gotten to know each other so well and I may not have been this proud and absolutely overjoyed by the doors you're opening! Keep going because life has got awesome things in store for you, just remember be joyous of every accomplishment no matter how small they may be because we all had to start off small (to quote the GODS of PHILOSOPHY, "you have to learn to walk before you can run, much less CLIMB to your envisioned heights")! And like I said you never exit a situation without learning something beneficial - take comfort in that. 

I TRULY APPRECIATE ALL THE KIND WORDS YOU'VE THROWN MY WAY AND THE CONTRIBUTION YOU'VE MADE TO MY GROWTH THUS FAR - I CAN ONLY REPAY YOU BY CONTINUING TO WRITE AS YOU STRONGLY REQUESTED HAHAAAHA SO I HOPE YOU ENJOY WHAT'S YET TO COME! THANK YOU AND I LOOK FORWARD TO MORE WONDERFUL CATCH UPS.

Will this last forever or is there hope?

I recently met up with a few ex colleagues of mines for a catch up to discuss the past, present and future as us humans tend to do after a degree of separation. The gathering was joyous and that palpable feeling of genuineness led to a wonderful farewell or better yet an authentic see you soon. Now somewhere between alcoholic consumption and of course professing my undying love for cheese as I scoffed down a very cheeeeeesy pasta platter my mind drifted off to the land of "soons". I started to realised that SOON our lives will not be tied to this area, SOON we will all have left the job, SOON we might not even remember this moment or better yet it would be a memory being shared 5 years from now when we reunite once more. This tiny moment of escapism probably lasted only 10 seconds in reality but in my mind I felt like Scrooge being escorted through time for almost 4 hours. I saw how much we had all changed in the short time we had gotten to know each other. Then everything flashed forward years later and I was seated around a fancy table once more, surrounded by aged faces but a lot of great elements being endured now, still exist: the same adorable laughter, crazy joy and a sense of genuine appreciation for each other's journey; and a sense of mutual respect; and mutual understanding; also in a strange way love. It felt like deja vu. During the course of our goodbye it felt as though a selected few wish we would maintain this relationship forever. Then I had to ask myself what does forever truly mean because the fact that I was a part of this wonderful moment means it'll forever be in my heart and more importantly my history and that's more than enough for me. But given the chance who wouldn't like the opportunity to relive a spectacular moment in the presence of great company over and over again especially in a life filled with so much misery.

I think a part of me forgot how adamant I always felt about treating every moment as though they could never be replicated because the truth about is IT CAN NEVER BE REPLICATED. I will never be leaving this job again, and even if I do for whatever reason it will never be the same faces and personalities being left behind, hell this lovely restaurant we're dining in for example might not be here 2 years from now. It begs the question are we truly LIVING in every moment or are we hoping by some sheer miracle this moment would bless our eyesights again and we can have a second shot at a joke or two that was overlooked? Are we living for the now or dwelling on forevers is the question? Should we be hoping for soons or making sure that everything is said and done in this very moment? Can we accept that the past has passed and we can only try to make things better not change what's already been written?

I guess all I'm saying is the next time you're in the midst of laghter or drowning in the abyss of sadness appreciate you're able to feel and understand you have the power to choose how you react. And somewhere between your third or sixth glass of your favourite red or white appreciate that you're able to taste. Just start to appreciate! See the one thing I have learned from this little erratic complicated bastard we call life is that whether you've been dragged beyond the incomprehensible borders of heartbreak or find yourself wandering the beautiful land of euphoria there's always a lesson to learn. I find that the lesson usually is "you don't get to choose what affects you but you do get to choose how to react which means you have a modicum of control over your growth as an individual", APPRECIATE THAT!!!

Forget beauty, "hope" lies in the eyes of the beholder. Whenever you're faced with the bad ask yourself will this last forever... If your answer is yes then asked yourself have I always felt like this... I can say with 100% certainty there's no way you can say yes to that last question, so if your answer is no then all you have to know is that if things changed for the worse then it can certainly change for the better. But if you said YES to that question then in the words of Harvey Milk (BLOODY LEGEND) “THERE IS HOPE FOR A BETTER WORLD, HOPE FOR A BETTER TOMORROW”, so start believing! And to all those people that sees a fellow neighbour suffering, don’t ignore them because we all need each other if we’re going to create “a better tomorrow”.

Ps. To the soul that asked me last week given the chance would I like to see where I am 5 years from now - the answer is no because making the most of every second right now matters far more than where I will be 5 years from now; also, why would I want to jeopardise my strong will to hope *wink*! CHEERS TO A BETTER TOMORROW GOOD FOLKS!!! KEEP HOPING AND HELPING!!!

Strangers in the NEW

We're here... We made it!

I haven't thought about this blog in what feels like an eternity. I haven't reminisce on the significance and the impact it once had nor could possibly have again until...

2018 was a really hard year for me : I set out to make the most of the year and somewhere down the line I derailed. I told myself I would travel and focus on my creativity (getting my collection of poems ready for publishing) and somewhere along these rocky roads to this cosmic destiny I know life has in store for me I felt as though I had to delay everything. So I stopped the chase! I usually have this unwanted tradition in which I find myself subconsciously titling the year before it even starts to creep into its second month and the year tends to end up defining that title without any effort on my part. Last year was the year of "recovery" and in the end I got why the universe rolled that title unto my path. See while I was plotting to travel, publish my pieces and simply smile, the universe was conjuring up pathways to teach me lessons I wasn't ready to truly understand but needed to calmly accept. I started digging a grave a very long time ago that I only began to acknowledge in 2017. I realised I was constantly justifying my actions by saying "if I worked as hard as I played then all my playful actions were excused because I deserved some satisfaction or some form of reward".

I lost myself somewhere between excuses and I saw it happening as I strayed off, stubbornly taking my own route and following my foolish intuitions but I did what any stubborn mule would do - I refuse to turn back. I found myself in the presence of a good Samaritan and I tainted that individual long before either of us had a chance to stop the incoming pain. I was in a box with another soul I didn't belong with and that only led to fleeting moments and... I had a flashback of this kid that made a promise to find home or his loved ones whenever his surroundings got too dark and this "box" was too dark. So I took a flight, admired a few clouds and made it back "home" to the only two people I love. To be honest it took awhile to truly comprehend where I came back too; I was far too busy focusing on the two people I wanted to see I forgot that even the location was considered home at some point.

This grave I spoke about earlier that I intended to cover up and happily move on from before 2018 only got deeper. There I was going into the NEW putting more chips on this already aching shoulder and things got even darker. 2018 began and with every new year came talks of resolutions and hope and I was no less of a victim to those desires than any other commoner despite the tribulations I was enduring at the time. I held off on pursuing my travels and I had to come to terms with how damaged my character had became and how estranged I had become from the man in the mirror. Whatever innocence existed had dwindled away. Recovering became key but my flesh had other plans and I surrendered. A lot of people ended up hurt by my actions last year but I can't seem to muster up remorse - I urge you to do the same as I've told my soul - move on!

I had to admit a lot of hurtful things to myself : I've done a lot of things I would not had tolerated years back, I made a lot of poor choices, I've done despicable things to get what I wanted but most of all I'm so unpredictable I don't even trust myself to do "the right thing" anymore. I learned I'll be trying to figure out who I am till the day I die and the truth is so will you because change never stops coming. I've learned I don't want to change the bad anymore than I want to change the good because I must've endured what I did to inherit qualities however unfavourable to conquer upcoming battles/opportunities. I will embrace this person no matter how intolerable or sweet he gets and in the end I can only hope that when I do accomplish more than I can fathom that I'm still able to look in the mirror and smile with a honest sense of proudness.

For 2019 the universe has spoken and I've been told this is the year of redemption and at first I believed it had to do with making a mend with those that were impacted by my actions last year but I feel as though I've misinterpreted the title. I feel this is the time to acknowledge how much I've stolen from myself, forgive myself if needs be and start to fight again, redeem what was truly promised by the universe upon birth.

I've been working a job for the last 13 months and I remember when I started a long time companion of mines said "I think you lack direction" as furious as I was to have someone comment on my life without knowing the depth of my struggle I knew it was true. I realised what you do on a day to day basis really takes a toll on your soul especially when you choose to sacrifice your voice for a cause that is not truly yours and shape your image for a hierarchical purpose rather than one that truly represents your individuality. It may not seem half the time that you can escape a relationship, or job, or that "grave" you keep digging but mark my words if you truly want to get OUT you'll find a way... DON'T DELAY!

I want to leave you with this, it's ok to accept the changes in your life - mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. We have no idea what the future holds - we're all strangers to the new but it's our story to write so don't shy away from making the most of this opportunity regardless of what the whispers of the world has to say about your actions. If you're suffering for your past grant yourself redemption, grant yourself a future.

Oh one last thing

Happy 2019! I'm glad to be back B***hes!

Believe & Goodbye

This past week has been quite eventful and we don't need to get too deep and dwell on all the details, but I been thinking about this post over the past few days and I think it's time to go ahead and do it so...

Recently, I been listening to a song a lot – Ironic by Alanis Morissette – and I find that whenever I’m listening to something so much there's a message hidden somewhere in it that I need to take heed of and usually I always think that message is hidden in a complex sentence or just a clever wordplay but this time it was just something simple - “life has a funny way of sneaking up on you and life has a funny funny way of helping you out”. I wrote about two months' worth of posts for y'all and I was honestly looking forward to posting them in the upcoming months because I thought the messages they were going to deliver was so influential, daring, eye-opening and very different from some of the stuff y'all have been fed already but hmmm.... Last week I saw that you can learn the saddest things from a nice sentence or a small act of kindness and it showed me I have a lot to work on as an individual and that's what led me to this very post folks.

I feel like at some point in life a lot us were given a bubble to live in and this bubble is safe but it's seems so claustrophobic at times but it's yours, you know, and that makes all the difference. Anyways, you have these moments where you look out at the world and you see so much happening and you just want to join everybody and so you pop your bubble. The thing is later down the line you recognize that there was a reason you were given that bubble you know and you underestimated how much your capable of achieving on your own from that place. Does that sound stupid? The main thing is folks when I started this blog, my main goal was to inspire one soul and to be honest I think I inspired the one person I didn't even recognize needed inspiring and that's all I can say.

I wrote something last week for myself and it reminded me of that person I once was and I looked around and I thought how did I get here; how did I become someone that became interested in pleasing everyone but himself; how did I end up surrounded by these four walls of contentment when I knew all along it could never be home; and most of all, how did writing become something I felt I had to do rather than something I actually enjoy. I was reading the post I posted 2 or 3 weeks ago “free fall and resurrect” and I realized I was never the type to be fazed by regression and I think it's my time to regress, free fall and resurrect (as silly as that sounds) and so folk I decided it's time to step away from this.

Growing up, one of my schools had this motto “only your best is good enough” and I want you to keep that in mind because if someone is not pleased with your best then they'll probably never be pleased with anything you do – do your best and be happy with it but try not to settle for contentment because its pleasant feeling only last so long. Believe in yourself, know your worth and what you want out of life and then go for it, like my mom always says “do what you gotta do”.

Lastly, it's been fun folks, thanks for reading, KEEP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF and GOODBYE!!!

The truth is you're flawed – be proud of it!!!

Where do I start folks??? Hmmmm, I think our insecurities are definitely something we all struggle with and it's funny because sometimes I wonder why; I mean I think a lot of times we know how insignificant these little imperfections are but we still choose to dwell on them and I wonder if we do that because we desperately seek reassurance or if it's more about gaining attention or just having something to complain about. It's like that Jessie J song “who you are”, you find yourself in the mirror one day puzzled about this continuous need to just scrutinize these tiny errors you find with your appearance when all you need to know is that it's okay not to be okay – we're all flawed and that's the truth ladies and gents, be proud!

You know what's funny, I was listening to a youtuber earlier this month and he said that when you're struggling with your insecurities you don't want to hear about anyone else's flaws because you got yours so who care about theirs and I thought that was weird because a lot of us walk by each other on the street and if we're honest we're grateful that we don't have the flaws a lot of other people have but yet we have the nerve to go back home and dwell on the ones we do have after seeing life could have been a lot worse in that department. Oh, why do we always feel like our appearance needs more work than our personality, you think because people can't see what lies on the inside it matters less - it doesn't folks to some people like me appearance counts very little. It's like that quote by R.W Emerson everything "pales in comparison to what lies inside you"; stop focusing on those around you and learn to accept yourself as a flawed being that constantly needs to try being a better human being.

I find that sometimes we psychologically jump into the deep end without noticing and before you know it we're sinking in the depths of self doubt, so self-conscious about all those factors we over exaggerate, that we lack the ability to see that like a lifeguard help is right there, don't be too prideful to see that someone accept those flaws and see them as something beautiful. I've learn that it's better to come to terms with your flaws folks just absolutely accept them because when you live in denial and someone chooses to jab a knife in that open wound well...

And for all those folks that chooses to play super modest to avoid seeming conceited well you learn down the line that the truth is the truth and ain't a thing wrong with being narcissistic, when you got it you just got it. We're all given a talent, we all have a purpose even if it seems like we don't, we're all human and most of all we're all flawed be proud of that because in the words of One Direction it's the little things that adds up to you and you might as well love them folks.

“If you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, you're fxxking PERFECT! - Pink (Perfect)

Be yourself ‘cause who you are is worth being (Keep Tryin' Pt 4)

I believe everything happens when it’s suppose to and it happens for a reason – absolutely everything - you come across certain people and things when you're suppose to, you do the little things when you're suppose to (though you overlook the great things they’ll lead to), problems occur when they are suppose to, dreams come true when they are suppose to, etc. With that being said, I have this “disappearing act” thing I do whenever I feel like I need to remember this person I’ve worked so hard to become and sort of block out certain elements of my character I find distasteful and I felt like this summer I really needed a little distance from the usual sites. I went away this summer with a lot of different intentions in mind but overall I wanted to chase down something I lost a long time ago even though I knew it was something I’ll never get back, but because I felt as though it was something I needed, I did. I don’t know if anyone else set themselves these impossible goals in life but I always do, and the funny thing is whenever I do it, my character – my whole mindset - undergoes this drastic change and all of a sudden I’m this person trying to express himself to the world but doesn’t know who he is himself – basically, it’s like being back at square one again.

The strange thing is I love that feeling; that’s a feeling I’ve always grown up having to adapt to, hence the reason this month surrounds the whole defining concept.

This year, I feel like I’ve kind of made the greatest change I’ve made in my life and it’s strange because my current state of mind is at a level I never expected it to get to. To be truthful I’m always preaching be yourself, be yourself but yet I wasn’t fully myself with those around me. I kept justifying it with more excuses than I care to remember but they all sound like blah, blah, blah now. The truth is I was too scared to admit that I was too afraid to be me. I’ve always said, being the character I am I have to feed people my personality in doses, I can’t just run up on them because then they’ll choke (not literally). But, this is where it all changes because I’ve been waiting for change to come my whole life but clearly it was waiting for me, so why wait any longer. The thing is this summer really showed me that all the characteristics I’ve loathed in other individuals growing up has consumed the hell out of me over the past few years and it’s all due to these excuses I’ve been making. I found myself asking how do you tell everyone around you that you’re the same fool you use to be only far different, and that was wrong for me to do because prior to this self-assessment period I didn’t really care about what people thought – if they like you good, if they don’t well one less worry, like the hands of time, you keep moving.

I always thought over the years that the things I admired most about myself was my honesty and my idiosyncrasies because I feel like it’s so great when you can honestly say your different from the mass and you're proud to be, but at the end of the day I was never going to lie to myself, so I gladly accepted that those things were going to be my main downfall as well. Without even noticing I became so truthful with myself, so disgustingly harsh that I became this person that was hard to look at and before I knew it I lost me. I say “be yourself because who you are is worth being” but there are these times in life where you just act like you're someone else because the person you are is too unbearable for you to let loose. In my case, I chose to be that new disgusting bastard because I wasn’t interested in being anyone else, the way I see it I can’t say I want realness and then portray someone I desire to be, just to avoid the horrible qualities I have – where’s the realness in that? You come across these people in life that want you to match their image and their expectations and you got to be careful because if you give in to their wants before you know it you’re a prisoner to that personality you’ll create to please them rather than being who you actually are. You got to be truthful to yourself and that’s hard to do but if you take it one step at a time and open the doors you need to when you feel it’s the right time, you’ll be fine - in my opinion. I’m telling you this because I feel like a lot of us always feel like maybe this world too unsympathetic and unwilling to give us a chance but as a society we constantly ask for the truth and realness but when we receive it we feel like it needs to be tweaked to match our personal expectations; you could tweak away but you’ll find out soon that making everyone happy defines mission impossible and you’re not Tom Cruise, it’s not your role – just be you!

I can’t see why you would expect someone to be honest with you if you’re not prepared to be honest with them. I say to people be true, be real with me, it don’t matter how malicious you are just be you because then I’ll know what to expect from the beginning. If your fake and your demons chooses to pop up unexpectedly it’ll be your fault when you get serve the pain you rightfully deserve. I’m just saying when you be yourself you find people that will willingly accept you for who you are and that ladies and gents save you a whole lot of heartache and time.

In relation, to the start of this post, insomnia smacked me down and I found myself awake one night in the summer and somehow I got this strange urge to listen to Lauryn Hill and without even noticing I came across this video that was very needed at that point and she was really drilling into her character and how society and personal concerns really influence our inner self. At some point in her speech she said “we been told to protect our outer man while our inner man is dying” and believe me, I understand that sometimes in life we put on this hard-bodied facade as a defense mechanism but don’t let it corrupt that great personality you're trying to hide. She also said “anything that is not growing is dead”, take a minute and really take heed to that quote folks because change is scary but it’s worth embracing and if you’re not changing as an individual then you’re not growing, you’re not moving from your current state and where’s the beauty in that?

“After all that I’m just ready to be me and it’s a lot to work through, you know, because all of us have hidden in these little boxes purposely because of parts of ourselves we were unhappy about and we didn’t love ‘em. And it's because we didn’t understand, you know, because there’s all this social doctrine that says that, you know, the infinite God with all this expression who created every single one of us absolutely different, on purpose, wants everybody to fit into the same suit. I’m like, you know, that’s deception... We were each created to be individual standards, you know, and we’re trying to fit into a standard; it doesn’t make any sense.” – Lauryn Hill (DAE - Interlude 5).

“Be yourself because who you are is worth being!” Period folks – AKLH

Hey Mr. Present, can you guess who it is???

Dear Akil,

             2013, WOOO HOOOO!!! Man I remember those days. So, if I got it right this letter should reach you a few days before you turn 21 but then again this time machine reminds me of stubborn old you when it comes to punctuality - I'm kidding. All jokes aside I know you'll get it; I remember reading it at your age and posting it on that blog thing we had (congrats for stepping out your safety zone I bet you never thought you'll be blogging), I'm proud of you! I'm writing this letter for a few reasons and I don't have much time so I'll be frank. See I know by now you already know what will happen or at least what you think will happen but you should know that once you open that door you can't close it just look at your arm and keep going (you know what I mean).

I remember when I read this there were very few clues about the far future so forgive me for leaving you with Mr. curiosity but I should let you know that 2014 brings three major things –one will begin before the year finishes – when they do just run with them O.K. "If you walk in fear you get nowhere" mate REMEMBER that quote! You'll also develop a fondness for three new hobbies and when you do as strange as they are follow through with them too. I don't want to feed you too much so next topic. I bet you want to know about the family, wouldn't you??? Your sister accomplished a lot and she's happy so you can look forward to the constant calls and updates - forget peace of mind (can't say you weren't warned); it's a good thing though. As for your mom she's happy, what can I say she's mom, main point is your triangle is still LEGENDARY.

I remember around this time you had a lot of tentative plans, follow through with them, it's worth it but remember your rules and remember that road – trust me you'll need to. Keep going that's the main thing and try to smile more man you need to. Oh, I tried sending a letter to the 11 year old us telling him to keep being that weird, capricious bastard and it will all work out but we both know he didn't receive it; it's probably for the best if you got this a decade ago I have a feeling you would've done a lot of things differently and neither of us want that now do we. You're heading down the right path son just keep your head up.

Yeah, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY when it comes, you'll enjoy it - (Spoiler Alert!!!) you got at least 50 more years to look forward to, I'll tell you that much. I'll see you in the mirror later down the line young one, until then stay humble, do what you have to and enjoy the memories - I sure did!

P.S you remember that one thing you wanted as a kid, well it turns out it's possible after all.

See you soon!

The Future You

Free fall then Resurrect

You ever feel like you’re free falling??? I feel like that a lot; I didn’t know that’s what this feeling was till recently. It’s like you’re falling and you can see the inevitable and whether or not you choose to fight it your body automatically does but you know it in your heart that the obvious will happen. In this moment you see it all, it’s like a huge collage of palpable moments that just seem to appear out of nowhere to help you feel warmth or happiness or sadness or just reach a point of acceptance. You truly understand in that short space of time the true meaning of two phrases: “before you die, your life flashes before your eyes” and “life is too short”. It’s in these last few seconds, that you really see how trivial a lot of things in life really were and why it meant so much to just laugh while you had the chance. The choice to jump or that accidental step that led to this unfortunate predicament seem so minor and it just concludes that all those unimportant “why me?” you chose to dwell on didn’t matter, your only focus is the aftermath of anything you face - can you recover from it? You see these moments and despite whatever emotions they make you feel, for a brief second you finally see the beauty of life and there it is – the inevitable.

You wake up to find that it was all a dream and then everything changes.

It’s like you had an epiphany that has forced you to recognize the vitality of YOUR life and how important it is to really take heed to the fact that spiritually you’ve changed – you’ve been given a second chance. The joy you feel just seem so overwhelming to not share with those around you but then couple days pass or a week, a month or couple months and you’re a victim of those trivial actions again. To be honest I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I know its significance to me but I feel it’s one of those messages you have to interpret in your own way so maybe it’s up to you to decide how it relates to you. See I’ve learned that I and everyone else trying to motivate and inspire you people are merely assistants on your path and it’s important that both you and I recognize that. See, I can write and try to persuade you that you have the courage to overcome anything but unless you can find the strength you possess then change can never take place; in other words, I can assist you mentally but physically mate you’re on your own and that’s sad but it’s the hardcore truth. I find lately that I need to constantly remind myself of that too because I get lost in these words thinking that maybe I’ll change the world one day but it takes a lot more than words of encouragement, we both have to somehow muster up the courage to change ourselves for a better future.

I don’t even know how I digressed so far – let’s rewind.

I started to write something a while back for y’all titled resurrection and in it I said that a lot of us may have given up on the goals we once pursued and the values we once believed in and by giving up we not only lost our aspirations but ourselves as well; somewhere along the way you find that you need to resurrect that old you and everything you believed in, in order to keep going. I remember saying the world is not ready for this when I wrote it but I think if anyone wasn’t ready it was me - never be scared to call on that OLD YOU when you want to pursue those goals you once gave up on because you’ll find that as long as you’re still alive you have a second chance to do anything. I’ll end by saying this, look around the world, it’s absolutely chaotic and you can call it luck, an act of God or the universe but the fact that you get to read this post shows how bless you are - there are a lot of people not able to. Don’t wait for a life or death situation to open your eyes, embrace the feeling of freedom while you still have it.

Define Yourself (A poem)

They took the perfect canvas

and they painted it white,

then they chose to get creative

and it hurt me that I didn’t fight,

they said they knew me

filled my head with all their expectations,

and I found myself believing that was me

that those things they said were my intentions,

and somewhere down the line

I created this personality,

one I smiled with

but the mirror proudly concealed.

Time came like a disease 
and weakened me,

and I took it as a sign

that this personality

that seemingly made me happy

was slowly killing me,

all those smiles I forced,

all those convos I hosted,

that wasn’t me.

Someone told me once

there’s only so long you could pretend to be happy,

there’s only so long you can pretend to be

someone you weren’t meant to be.

So I took some time out

to really address the issue

and the more I did

there came the tissues,

I heard if you want to change

you have to start from the inside,

but my heart and my mind

well, let’s just say their intentions fail to coincide;

I found myself thinking that maybe

I sent myself away for far too long,

that maybe, just maybe

it was time to sing that person a farewell song.

But it was you that made me think

fool, what are you on?

emotionally you’re dialing 911

but there’s a reason there’s no response.

One day I looked in the mirror

and I really started to f**k with sorrow,

I started to drill,

all those insecurities started to spill,

and like all those shrill cries

my heart slowly died,

and I felt like I was  left with nothing 

but the unwelcoming company of disgrace,

but then I looked at your so-call masterpiece,

and every single paint drop lifted from where it laid,

and that's when it came, 
that moment of freedom - that deep sigh,

and that was when I announced that person

had passed, that fool had died.

I grabbed a pen and some paper

and for once it wasn’t going to scribble notes of deception,

I needed a list for what I did and didn’t stand for

I needed self-actualization,

because you made me doubt my potential,

I believed your approval was essential

but no more – no, more.

I was determined to start over,

I thought maybe that would help me define this character

because if I didn’t get my act together

the aftermath was something I couldn’t bear to picture.

And right now it doesn’t hurt,

if you're at all concerned

because I understand that needed to happen,

I felt like I needed to burn

just to learn, what it is I really yearned.

It was in a moment of deep solitude

that I found perfection,

when I took up the mirror

and said be your own inspiration,

and that person looked back and said

"you decided to let the world know about you,

the when, where, why and whos about you,

I lost your reasons for staying in the shadows,

why you spent so much time, trying to seem shallow,

I don’t know why you chose to wallow,

or why you chose to follow,

why you felt the need to commit

or felt the need to do anything

to alleviate any pain they were feeling,

by following through with that unforgivable lie

it was your happiness you sacrificed,

If you don’t speak out now

you might never do it,

I’ll hold your hand as you declare it,

I’ll be the person you confide in,

and if it comes down to it

I’ll be that shoulder when you crying,

be yourself darling

because when it comes down to it,

it’s the only way you’ll truly be happy. ”

Remember that day

you told yourself,

YOU define YOU

don’t leave it in the hands of them,

well listen to yourself,

be YOU for YOU

because that much YOU OWE YOURSELF.