'My condolences', those words combined now sound so alien since ending up on the receiving end of them. I find myself shaking it off every time someone utters it and due to that nonchalant-ness they tend to repeat themselves to ensure I've heard, but what's a befitting response? Do I say thank you as though we've just completed a successful transaction? Or should I lower my head in sincere thought and sadness whilst remaining quiet? Or should I weep? Or do I give the traditional expected response "I can't believe it...I appreciate it"? I've always been the type that wanted people out my face as soon as possible with limited, I take that back, as little to no words exchanged and that still haven't changed so what do I say. Over the years I've tried to be the nicest version of someone I don't even recognized and I think this death has somehow dented this persona I've built. My smiles don't feel real anymore; my sadness seems... Somehow I feel like I'm now in autopilot, as though my everyday actions are being watched by the real me and I'm trying to move, say and do as expected, slowly waiting for this dent to expand into an eventual shatterm, consequently causing myself to regain the person I was before I started this whole nice guy disgusting sprouse. I'm not making sense am I? Kinda like 'my condolences'.
I learned when I was very young what it truly meant to be my Father's son. I came to accept the burdens and perks of such a role from very early on. The thing you should know about my father is he was flawed beyond belief as a father but he was an amazing man otherwise, therefore throughout time I chose to judge him by his actions towards others rather than towards myself. I've heard a few people say lately they can relate to me (not fully but to some degree) because they've lost their dad too, the truth is you can't relate! My condolences. There are things you can't say about the dead so I don't quite know how to follow through with this piece in a respectful way. I feel in some ways my dad like my mom is the foundation on which my knowledge is rooted. My dad taught me the art of selfishness, intelligence, the indifference of love; and the strain of additions; and bad fates; and misguided passion; and emotional independence and so much more I am grateful for. I find myself staring into the open air a lot lately, lost between a thought, a memory, a wish and an expectation then I somehow... I feel mind-boggled, like I'm watching the world from a bird eye's view on a TV screen and there's a big pause sign but somehow the show is still continuing, the world is still turning. Mostly, I feel torn, like I've lost a dad but haven't at the same time, like I've lost a piece of my soul but haven't at the same time, like I've lost more than I can put into words but haven't at... A part of me feels like I need to do what I do best and disappear off the grid, another part feels like I just want to quit my job and everything I do on the side and just click refresh on life. Can I do that? It seems easy. My dad could've done that, no?
Anyway, at his funeral I said a little tribute and it was something along the lines of "my father was a great man. He thought me a great deal, and his lessons and actions really shaped me into the man I've become. Like the rest of us he had his flaws and he had his strengths, he had a lot of qualities we admired and it made him the staple he was in many lives. His greatest skill being his wit and ability to cheer us up even in the darkest of times. We didn't just lose a father, son, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, friend, we didn't just lose someone close to us, earth lost a great mind, someone who really paved the way for many by simply using his smarts and just being himself. Today we recognized one of the greatest spirit that walked our community. He struggled like the rest of us to make ends meet. Despite his addiction and mistakes he fought to give those around him especially his children the brightest of futures and for that we thank him and acknowledge the place in our hearts he will always hold. R.I.P, we will meet again."
R.I.P HOWARD HAYE! PERFECT PEACE
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