The cost of Blackness

I broke a glass yesterday. The bizarre thing about it is I didn't see it fall, but I knew it was on its way down and consequently I braced for impact and heard it shatter in my mind before it had hit the floor. It really shone a light on inevitability for me. I just saw two pictures of myself on my wall, one as a kid and the other from two years ago and I wondered if due to my stubborness and my lonesome mindset, failure or evident slow growth was always predictable but I was too blind and defiant to acknowledge and act accordingly.

I recently suffered two tremendous losses and despite how shocking one was and how slightly expected the other was I was still torn by them both. But that's the price of inevitability right? We know death is a must yet we're stunned in its wake everytime. Since moving to America I've become very black conscious - it's hard not be and I think about the inevitability of being another statistic. I think about not being able to do the simplest things in peace e.g. wearing a hoodie I pay for, walking through a department store without being stereotyped as a robber, jogging through a predominantly white neighbourhood without being harassed, driving a fancy car without being pulled over because stereotypically your looks don't match the needed funds fir such a purchase; and carrying a gun under the 2nd commandment without being labelled a thug or killer; and chilling on my block with friends... I think about how our peace was robbed and how we continue to rob our own kind of those basic privileges by stereotyping each other and not uplifting each other as we should. Now I know what you're probably thinking, here comes another 'black lives matter' rant but movements are built created for a reason right. If unfairness didn't exist there wouldn't be a women movement or lgbtqa or BLACK LIVES MATTER. Fairness - basic human rights to be ourselves without a crowning of your halo of guilt before a crime is committed is all we asked. Imagine how the world could really change with such an attitude.

When I was younger than 10 I moved to England and my mom looked at me and she said you have to work 10 times harder than others because you're black. I remember thinking why at first then later determining the statement was senseless and silly. I said to myself you should work hard because you should work hard, everyone should work hard regardless of their race but I admit it now I was the senseless one. I was silly. By no means is this a WHITE vs BLACK issue or US vs THEM it's just the truth. When anyone is convicted and sent to prison the rule changes, there's divisions, clicks, jobs, schedules, a different variety of DOs and DON'Ts and they find that they have to give up a lot of basic expectations. Well being black in America is like that, in order to survive and grow the majority of 'us' have to learn the art of saying YES and NO, we have to learn when to smile and when to just keep quiet because our fairness like our peace was robbed. I had a boss that said to me once that I am a 'yes man' and I thought wow he's right how did I get here, I was never like this : it took me awhile but I realise I chose to be a representation instead of a statistic - us blacks are painted as violent, defiant and rebellious by nature and I wanted to sho2 we could be otherwise. But Rosa Parks taught us NO for a reason right... Sometimes you have to rebel especially when your first no is seeing as you being irrational.

Have you ever heard Tracy Chapman's 'Bang bang bang'? I think of that song sometimes, probably because I feel the world missed how revolutionary the message was. See regardless of our race, I think the song discusses everyone whose innocence was stolen by the temptations of others and once exposed to anything worldly - drugs, gun, alcohol we get that sense of power. And we do as expected with such temptations but there comes a time we realize that lure was of a vindictive nature, one to keep you in check, under someone else's control. The thing with power is once you get a taste there's no such thing as control only self preservation and perseverance and you no longer want to be on strings. But when things go too far you start to crave the innocence that is long gone and when you realize the stains of the past can never truly be washed away that innocence turns into revenge or restrain but even restrain only lasts so long right. I guess what I'm saying is really think before you take on a new habit. Really think! Also think about who else may suffer because of your decisions, the truth about the matter is 99% of the time someone else always ends up collateral damage. It's inevitable.